Day 7: Hope | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

Here in this blog, I am continuing with the previous blog which was "Day 6: Idea SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior". In the previous blog, I talked about the word 'idea', and how I within my life, defined and used the word 'idea' within 'interpretation' by placing my 'shoes' in the 'shoes' of another -- meaning that I would allow myself, within my mind, to see or experience something from someone else's point of view, but what I was actually doing was doing it not in a practical manner in coming up with a solution to where a particular situation / event / circumstance would be changed or directed in a matter that is 'best' contingent on what I would 'see' or perceive when and as I place myself in the shoes of another. It was more like me putting myself in the shoes of another from an emotional perspective where I would take my own emotional reactions with me as I place myself in the 'shoes' of another, and interpret other's and their reactions based on what I would say or do, and allow that to be the core of how I communicate with others.

I then did some self-forgiveness for defining the word 'idea' within and through 'intepretation' as interpreting other's physical behavior based on my own 'emotional reactions' that I project onto the physical behavior of others.

Here in this blog, I'd like to continue with some self-forgivenesses for the last part of the mind-pattern which is the part of the mind pattern where I went into my mind and uttered internal dialogue that I suppressed so that I do not have to face the point externally through communication. I realize that the things that are suppressed are the points that are not actually faced, but are made invisible which is then compromised by particular behavior that is seemingly more 'appealing' to the person / people that are hearing the words that are being communicated. Although, the words may sound 'appealing', but are in-fact manipulative, and so the point of sarcasm -- I realize is a point in which I diminish myself into manipulating others with a behavior that is externally appealing while at the same time, suppressing my real-actual perspective / expression that I desire to express / communicate about.

So the statement that I made internally was, "Today will be a good day? Oh you think so?" based on what the person was communicating about which is that the day will be a good day. I, within myself, knew that if I was to place myself in the shoes of the individual stating that and accept or speak such a statement within myself, I would be manipulating myself within speaking such a statement that the day will be a 'good' day because I realize that it is a point where I am projecting myself into a future that doesn't exist yet through speaking such a statement, and I would be hoping that the events / situations that play-out within the day turn out 'good' or 'okay' based on how I 'react' to those events / situations. So with me uttering such an internal dialogue of, "Today will be a good day? Oh you think so?", is me reacting to that very statement that is coming forth from the individual that I am in communication with that is in a position of diminishment through the very statement that today will be a 'good' day.

So what do I do? I instead participate in behavior that is more 'appealing', and suppress my own awareness / directiveness of the point being made that today will be a 'good day' because of the belief that if I was to communicate to the individual my own realization about that statement -- the person will be / become disappointed or 'taken aback'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through judging days within and of the week as 'good' or 'bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hope' for a day to turn out 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I put myself into a position of 'self-manipulation' when I 'hope' for things to happen because of how I tend to change my 'behavior' when that which I 'hoped' to happen either comes or does not come into manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that part of me 'hoping' for something to happen is me 'hoping' that my behavior will change from a neutral or negative emotion to a positive feeling, and so within that, not realize how I diminish myself to negative emotions and positive feelings because of the belief that I cannot change my own behavior(s), but that something else 'separate' from me has to change them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to when I DO direct my own mind / thoughts / reactions that contribute to my behavior -- then it is me moving and directing myself, and so thus, hope becomes unnecessary from the perspective of hope being defined as something separate from me that I expect or wish to manifest so that my mindset / behavior will change from a negative behavior to a positive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am susceptible to emotional reactions -- I am, at the same time, I am placing myself into a position of 'self-manipulation' because I can easily make the decision to stop, breathe, and direct myself to not accept and allow me, as the mind, to become susceptible to emotions that lead me to 'hope' for change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am participating in 'hope' through hoping for something or someone else to change my 'mental state' from a neutral or negative behavior to a positive behavior -- I have, in that moment, allowed that something or someone to take responsibility for me to get me out of one mental state, and bring me into another mental state which I, within this, have become disempowered to that something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a 'mental state' -- regardless of whether that 'mental state' is negative or positive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how mental states are the product of 'triggers' that happen in my daily life / living where I will come into contact with something or someone, and then depending on my relationship to that something or someone -- will change behaviors (mental states), and so within this, not realize how 'mental states' are actually erratic and cannot be trusted to build a stable foundation of 'character' and 'integrity'.

I commit myself to redefine 'hope'. I see, realize, and understand that when and as I 'hope' for things to happen, there is an expectation or a 'wish' for that very thing to manifest which, thus, creates a fear within myself of becoming 'negative' (such as becoming sad or angry) if the thing that I am hoping for doesn't manifest. I commit myself to -- instead of looking forward to the probable occurrence of someone or something to manifest to, instead, create myself in such a way that I contribute to that which I am hoping for -- which will, thus, shift me from only being in a position of being a 'product' of hope to an 'initiator' / 'contributor' of the 'future' in how I want the future to manifest through that which I make a decision to do now, and contribute to that decision through my doingness.

I commit myself to, instead of hoping that the day will be a 'good' day -- to see the things that happen throughout the day as a 'gift' to, instead of going into emotional reactions to the things that happen during the day to, instead, empower myself by practicing being 'stable' as 'breath' where I focus on my breath / breathing as a way of grounding myself in physical reality of which I, within this, am using me being aware of my breath / breathing as a way of short-circuiting the emotions and feelings that I experience within myself -- not realizing, within this, how me being able to do this means that I do have the ability to be stable, and that that which comes up from within me as emotions and feelings do not have to define me.

I see, realize, and understand that self-forgiveness is a tool that I can use as a way of telling and showing to myself through physical doingness that I can release myself from this particular emotion or a feeling.

When and as using my breath / breathing as a way of 'short-circuiting' my emotions and feelings -- I commit myself to be also aware of the type of emotion / feeling that is manifesting in the moment of me directing it so that I can effectively use self-forgiveness as a way of releasing myself from how I defined myself within my life in relation to the particular emotional / feeling behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, use 'sarcasm' to compensate for that which I suppressed, and internalize the 'sarcastic' behavior within myself, and then compensate that by manipulating my words and behavior in such a way that they look and sound appealing to the person that I am in communication with which will, at the same time, give me a 'positive experience' to create a 'balance' within myself so that I do not stay in a negative polarity of 'suppression' and 'sarcasm'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I, within  my sarcasm, am actually manipulating the other individual because of how I manipulated my own self because of the fear being self-honest in my daily life / living.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I am actually self-honest in my daily life / living -- that there will be no need to suppress my real-actual perspective on points that can be communicated about in such a way that they can bring clarity and understanding when communicating to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of bringing clarity and understanding in communciation with another individual to, instead, exist within sarcasm: from the perspective of sarcastically agreeing with what the other individual is saying, but within that, hiding the sarcasm to the point that they don't even notice that I am being sarcastic, and so as a result, the words that I am speaking appear to have an appealing expression to them as a way of pleasing the person that I am communicating with.

I see, realize, and understand that sarcasm is a way for me to 'feel good' about that which i suppressed within myself -- as a way of generating a positive experience within myself so that I do not have to face what I 'suppressed', but rather, justify what I suppressed through sarcasm.

I commit myself to create myself when communicating with others. I see, realize, and understand that I am actually being created when I am either suppressing myself during communication or reacting to the person's words and behaviors from a starting-point of trying to please the other indivdual through those reactions (such as smiling or laughing back). I commit myself to create myself by directing my words and behavior within communication instead of allowing my words to be directed by energy (emotions and feelings). For example, when I make a decision to end the communication -- instead of remaining in communication with the other individual to try to please them, to let them know that I will be leaving now, and to be clear and concise about it so they will be able to acknowledge it.

Day 6: Idea SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

Here in this blog, I am continuing with the previous blog which was: "Day 5: Excitement SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior" where I wrote some self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to define 'excitement' as the desire to communicate / interact with others based on my starting-point of wanting to experience 'pleasure' through being 'stimulated' by the words / actions of the individual that I am communicating with.

In this blog, I will continue with the mind-pattern that I wrote in the previous blogs -- continuing with the phrase "I hope I that "Hey!" sounded convincing to you....". To have context of the entire mind-pattern, I have written the mind pattern below once again:

• In my mind, I am saying to myself: "Let me go over there where you are so you won't think that I'm ignoring you."
• And then out-loud, I say to the person, "Hey!", with a smile on my face.
• In my mind, I am saying to myself while facing the person: "I hope I that "Hey!" sounded convincing to you...."
• The person is talking about today is going to be a good day. In my mind, I say to myself: "Today will be a good day? Oh you think so?"

A mind-pattern is basically like a snap-shot of particular words, behaviors, and reactions that self expressed within a particular moment, and then investigating that mind-pattern to find / understand the starting-point for existing within, and expressing such a pattern that self believed self to be in / as the moment of expressing it.

So I see, realize, and understand that within the mind pattern: "I hope I that "Hey!" sounded convincing to you...." is a point where I am attempting to / trying to 'adjust' my behavior to 'fit' exactly how I believe the other individual would respond to me within wanting / desiring them to respond to me 'positively'. In this, I see, realize, and understand how I am using my own ideas about how I believe that the other person would respond to me mainly through my own knowing / knowledge / experience / awareness of how I would respond if I place myself in their shoes.

So this, placing-yourself-in-the-shoes-of-another, become ideas -- and the ideas become diminished within only being expressed from the starting-point of 'interpretation' within interpreting someone else's behavior by observing how I would 'react' if I was 'in their shoes' / living their life. So it is a point where placing myself in the 'shoes' of another is something that is contingent on 'emotional reaction', and so 'emotional reacton' becomes the 'engine' that is used to 'drive' ideas -- as ideas become used in the form of self-sabotage.

So here in this blog, and continuing in the next blog, I would like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to how I project my own (emotional) reactions to / towards someone else, and use those emotional reactions to create ideas within my mind about someone when not realizing that that which I create as 'ideas' are actually me projecting myself to others, and within that -- not changing, but actually validating my (emotional) reactions, and remaining disempowered to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the 'shoes' of another within the context of using emotional reactions as how I reacted to others in the past -- into the form of 'ideas' where I 'project' these ideas that I created about others that I had in the past (depending on how I judged their reactions to me) -- onto the people in the 'present' that I am in communication with, and believe that they are reacting or expressing themselves in the same way, or a similar matter based on how I perceive / judge their words / behavior, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these 'ideas' to go into / express the same 'reactions' that I expressed in the 'past', and so within that -- not 'create' myself in / as the moment 'here', but use a 'previous moment' in the past to build / construct my actions / reactions in the 'present'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to 'trust' myself -- to 'move' / 'direct' myself in the 'present', but to instead, go into the 'past' and copy / duplicate a 'behavior' in the past to create and construct how I will act / react in the 'present' to / towards something or someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself when communicating to others by waiting on their response / reaction to me in order to formulate a response / reaction within myself that aligns to their response / reaction in such a way for them to be 'pleased' with me / my words as a form of 'validation' instead of communicating from the starting-point of self-honesty -- which is being 'honest' with myself and how my words are being used within communication.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that how I use my words in communication is how I express myself in communication, and so not realizing that when and as I express the need for 'validation' -- I am expressing myself to another within and as the form of self-diminishment, and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to 'change' within that through redefining myself in relation to the word 'validation', but to instead -- use the word 'validation' in / as the form of an 'emotional reaction' instead of in and as a way that it can be used to expess 'stability' and 'self-trust' within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within and through communication and interaction with others for so long through me wanting / needing 'validation' from others -- that the need for 'validation' becomes something that I 'expect' others to 'give me' that I define as a form of 'respect'.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'respect'. I see, realize, and understand the dictionary defines 'respect' as the condition of being honored (esteemed, respected or well regarded). I see, realize, and understand over my life how I have defined myself within and through my emotional behavior / reactions, and how I within this, look for 'respect' from others to give me validation of who I am in relation to my emotions / feelings / reactions that I use to create my identity to the world / others. So I see, realize, and understand how I have created my 'identity' contingent on my emotional and feeling behavior over the course of my life.

I commit myself to define 'respect' as 'self-respect' by showing regards to myself to walk / live / express the point of self-responsibility and integrity.

I commit myself to define integrity within and as 'wholeness'.

I commit myself to define 'wholeness' as me being 'here' interacting with and as physical reality.

I see, realize, and understand, that in order to be 'whole', I have to be 'here', and that if I am participating in emotional / feeling behavior, I cannot be 'fully here' because part of myself is being used to express emotional / feeling behavior within and as my mind rather than here within and as physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within and through communication and interaction with others for so long through me wanting / needing 'validation' from others -- that the need for 'validation' becomes something that gives me a sense of 'pleasure' that I define as the 'beauty' that makes relationships what they are.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'beauty', and live the redefined meaning. I see, realize, and understand that the dictionary defines the word 'beauty' as the qualities that give pleasure to the senses. I commit myself to be / become that 'quality' in such a way that I am able to 'gift' myself the word 'pleasure' through and as every moment by seeing how I can 'contribute' myself to be / become a living expression of each and ever moment. I see, realize, and understand that to be / become a living expression of each and every moment -- that I have to actually live words instead of accepting and allowing words to direct / influence me through emotional reactions, and I see, realize, and understand that this takes 'integrity' because if part of myself is being expressed through 'emotional reactions', then I cannot be fully here, grounded, interacting, and moving with physical reality.

So I commit myself to live words such as the word emotional RE-ACTION as 'RE-sponsible ACTION' by taking ACTION to bring myself out of the emotional action into living action.

I commit myself to live the word ACTION as acting within the principle of 'integrity' / wholeness / self-trust.

I commit myself to live the word 'trust' as trusting myself to move and direct myself in the physical. I see, realize, and understand that when I am emotional reacting to something / someone -- that I am not living the word 'trust' because my trust has been given to my 'mind' to move and direct me instead of me moving and directing me as the creator of my reality.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'idea' as a content of cognition that is used to formulate solutions rather than intepretations. So I see, realize, and understand that when and as I express ideas, that those ideas can be used to give / provide solutions to problems when and as placing myself in / as the shoes of another.

I will continue in the next blog....

Day 5: Excitement SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

Here in this blog, I am continuing with Day 4: Sarcasm SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior. In the previous blog, I looked at the mind-pattern:

In my mind, I am saying to myself: "Let me go over there where you are so you won't think that I'm ignoring you."
And then out-loud, I say to the person, "Hey!", with a smile on my face.
In my mind, I am saying to myself while facing the person: "I hope I that "Hey!" sounded convincing to you...."
The person is talking about today will be a good day according to their idea of what a 'good day' is. In my mind, I say to myself: "Today is going to be a good day? Oh you think so?"

I realized how the phrase, "But let me go over there where you are anyway so you won't think that I'm ignoring you.", is a phrase of manipulating myself to communicate with someone else because of an initial resistance to communicate because of the notion that I have to 'please' the individual that I am communicating with to have an effective communication with them. But what I didn't realize is how this resistance of communicating with others because of not wanting to 'please' them stems from how I defined 'communication' as the belief that I need to please the other individual that I am communicating with in order to have an effective conversation with them. So in the previous blog, I redefined 'communication' to communicating with another from the starting-point of directing my words that I speak and my actions that I express instead of molding and shaping my words and behavior to be aligned to how the other person expresses their words and behavior. Within and as aligning my words and behavior to be aligned to how the other person expresses their words and behavior -- here we have a communication that is now 'in sync' that creates a sense of 'enjoying' the communication. But within this enjoyment, there is no self-expression because one's words and behavior are being directed by the other's words and behavior.

So directing my communcation would mean basically to direct words meaning that in order to direct words, I first how to create myself to and as the words that are being communicated. So I redefined the word 'creator' as a person who sees words, sees the solution as how to live the word as SELF within and as how words are being expressed, and lives it (which is the solution) in communication such as the word living the word 'happy' for instance by expressing self AS the word 'happiness'. In this way, there is no need / necessity to be stimulated by the word 'happy' through another's words and actions because one is expressing / living the word happiness AS SELF through and as making the decision to express the word 'happy' in and as communication with another.

So in this blog, I would like to continue with the previous blog by starting off with how I changed personalities from the phrase, "But let me go over there where you are anyway so you won't think that I'm ignoring you." to saying "Hey!" to the individual that I am communicating with -- with a change in behavior by putting a smile on my face. I can see how this is, in-fact, manipulation of my words and behavior which means that I am not standing as an 'equal' to and as the person that I am communicating with, to and as the words that are expressed nor my own behavior or the behavior of the other, in-fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by changing my behavior out of fear of not pleasing the individual that I am communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a 'smile' to represent an illusion of / as 'excitement' to / towards another individual to make it seem as though I am 'excited' to see / hear from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself define 'excitement' as the desire to communicate / interact with others based on the starting-point of wanting to experience 'pleasure' through being 'stimulated' by the words / actions of the individual that I am communicating with.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'excitement' as the state of being 'here' and 'aware' in and as the 'physical' -- as a 'physical arousal' through and as being aware of one's physical and behavioral changes that happens in / as each moment such as one's changes in one's breathing patterns (from in-breath to out-breath for example). I see, realize, and understand that when and as I am here in the 'present', and aware of who I am in and as the present -- that I can 'detect changes' within myself such as changes that happens when and as I become stimulated by something or someone, and within that moment, be able to correct my relationship to that which stimulated me so that I do not have to go into an 'experience' of 'excitement' that did not come 'directly' from my own expression.

In the next blog, I will continue with the phrase "I hope I that "Hey!" sounded convincing to you...." by having a look at how this statement is actually a statement of fear made in / as a 'sarcastic' manner'.

Day 4: Sarcasm SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

This blog is a continuation of the previous blog which is "Day 3: Sarcasm | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior". In this blog, I will be doing self-forgiveness for the word 'sarcasm' based on the previous blog where I connected the phrase "You Think So?" to it representing a sarcastic statement.

In my mind, when and as I communicate with others, there are phrases of back-chats (inner babble) that manifest within myself. If I am to place these back-chats from my mind into the form of a pattern, they would read as statements below:

In my mind, I am saying to myself: "Let me go over there where you are so you won't think that I'm ignoring you."
And then out-loud, I say to the person, "Hey!", with a smile on my face.
In my mind, I am saying to myself while facing the person: "I hope I that "Hey!" sounded convincing to you...."
The person is talking about today will be a good day according to their idea of what a 'good day' is. In my mind, I say to myself: "Today is going to be a good day? Oh you think so?"

So here in this blog, I will write some self-forgiveness for these statements because I see, realize, and understand that even though these are 'sarcastic' statements, I see, realize, and understand that these statements are actually statements made in and as manipulation in the form of sarcasm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use sarcasm in and as the form of manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself when communicating with another individual, and allow that suppression to become manifested as 'sarcasm'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate from the starting-point of trying to please others, and within that, resist the point of communicating with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate from the starting-point of trying to please others, and within that, create and project 'negative' back-chat to the person that I am communicating with through believing that they are the cause of why I feel the way that I feel when I am communicating with them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how this point of 'resistance' is existing within and as a form of self-diminishment manifested as 'resistance' within communication based on how I diminished myself to the point of believing that I need to please others when communicating with others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my very point of sarcasm when communicating with others comes from a starting-point of / as the fear of not pleasing the person that I am communicating with which, thus, manifests as 'resistance' to communicate within the individual within and as the statement "But let me go over there where you are anyway so you won't think that I'm ignoring you."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not correct the point within myself of the fear of being 'ignored', and so project my fear of being ignored to / towards someone else within and as the form of 'resisting communication' with them wherein I use 'sarcasm' to 'suppress' this resistance, and to contribute to my fear of being ignored.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my fear of resisting communication with others is me enacting my fear of being ignored through using 'sarcasm' to 'balance out' my fear of not 'pleasing' the person that I am communicating with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for being 'emotionally dependent', and so manifest the back-chat within myself, "But let me go over there where you are anyway so you won't think that I'm ignoring you." -- because of the belief that the other individual that I am communicating with needs me to act or express in a certain way in order to stimulate their behavior or expression into and as a state of 'happiness' or 'pleasure'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within me blaming another for being 'emotionally dependent' -- that I am, at the same time, wanting 'validation' from them through trying to stimulate their behavior which I believe I will be successful at when and as they become 'pleased' by what I speak or express.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'shy' to and as the word 'confidence' through and as aligning myself to words in such a way that I am not using words to please others, but using words and 'living words' as knowing who I am to and as the words that I express daily.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my point of pleasing another individual within and as communication comes from me not being aligned to and as the word 'happy' in such a way that I make the decision to be happy in and as a moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I use the word 'happy' within and as depending on something or someone else that I perceive as 'separate' from me to 'give me' that happiness, and so thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'happiness' in such a way to where I depend on something or someone else to make me 'happy', and so mirror that definition of happiness through the belief that it is my job to make others happy through and as the words that I use and the behaviors that I express to others.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'happiness'. I see, realize, and understand how I defined the word 'happiness' as a word that is a response to particular 'stimuli' that creates the experience of happiness. Within and as my communication with others, I see, realize, and understand that my state of happiness is when and as I am not communicating with others because of the experience of being 'free' within that moment to behave / express the way that I choose. And so thus, I realize how I defined happiness within the context of being alone and not having to worry about other's well being. So I see, within this, how I exist separate from the word 'communication' which becomes the 'engine' that drives my state of happiness when and as I am not communicating to others.

So I commit myself to redefine the word 'happiness' as a state of joy or pleasure in knowing who I am through and as words such as the word 'communication.' I see, realize, and understand that when and as a word stimulates me -- that I am not the directive-principle of words, and so when and as I live the word 'communication' through and as self-trust, then I will be / become the 'living word' as 'communication' by and as living that word to its utmost potential.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'communication' within and as having the ability to communicate with and as another from a starting-point of directing my words that I speak, and my actions that I physically express instead of me as the mind, as energy, molding and shaping my words and behavior contingent on the words and behavior of another.

I commit myself to have self-trust when and as I communicate because I see, realize, and understand that when and as I become 'stimulated' by others' words -- that within that stimulation, there is no self-trust to / towards the words that are being communicated because of existing separate from and as the words that are being communicated.

I commit myself to develop self-trust by reprogramming my relationship to words through redefining words and living words to their utmost potential which is living that word to the greatest possible potential that that particular word offers as a point of change.

In the next blog, I will continue with how I changed my behavior from the phrase, "But let me go over there where you are anyway so you won't think that I'm ignoring you." to saying "Hey!" where I suppressed my actual expression which is not wanting to say "Hi" to actually forcing myself to say "Hi" in order to please the other individual as a way of keeping my relationship to them, in-tact.

Day 3: Sarcasm | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

Here in this blog, I am writing about the phrase, "You think so?" The phrase, "You think so?" is one of the most common tics that I utter everyday. A tic is an involuntary movement or vocal utterance. Tics are primarily symptoms of Tourette's Syndrome, but the medical diagnosis of my condition are unclear due to the development of my tics happening at a later age.

When I investigate the phrase, "You think so?" for myself, one dimension of this phrase would be me expressing the phrase from a sarcastic perspective to others.

When and as communicating with individuals within my daily life, there is a deep dimension within myself where I see / perceive the communication with the other individual as being a 'waste of time' because of the notion that there is nothing that we are actually communicating about that is important or significant in such a way that the communication is used a tool to bring about some kind of change within some level of our beingness. Instead I, on a deep dimension, judge the communication as 'useless', and within this -- not see, and realize how I allow the communication to be the directive-principle instead of me standing as the directive-principle within and as communication -- to where I become the 'living word' as living and expressing the words that I speak within and as communication with and as another individual. What instead happens is that I separate myself from the words that I speak, and allow the words to mold and shape me through emotions and feelings, and so as consequence, I either enjoy the communication with someone in separation from the words -- by seeing / defining the words that are communicated as 'more than' myself to where the words become the essence of the communication instead of me being the 'essence' within and as my communication with others, or I will not enjoy the communication with someone because of existing in separation from the words that are spoken -- by seeing / defining the words that are communicated as 'less than' myself to where the words become the essence of the communication of which I, thus, resist the words and so -- either resist the person, or react to the words that are spoken by the person that I am communicating with.

So in the next blog, I'd like to write some self-forgiveness statements. Self-forgiveness, for me, is me forGIVEing myself the opportunity to be / become the essence as the 'living word' by releasing my emotional reactions from words that manifest in relationships because when and as I become the LIVING WORD, it is thus -- me that lives words by and as taking each word and living each word to and as its utmost potential. I see, realize, and understand that when and as I 'live' words, there is no need / necessity to react to words through emotions and feelings because I realize that emotions and feelings are in-fact REACTIONS meaning that I allowed something else that I perceive 'separate' from me to initiate the reaction within myself which means that I am not 'living' that word that I reacted to, but what is, in-fact living the word FOR me is my (emotional) 'reaction' that I have no context of -- in and as that moment of reaction. So in the next blog, I would like to write some self-forgiveness statements for the phrase "You Think So" as a phrase that I have defined within and as sarcasm.

Day 2: Hey! SF | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

Here in this blog, I am continuing with the previous blog titled: "Day 1: Hey! | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior" where I talked about the word "Hey!" from the perspective of how I utter the word "Hey!" in the form of a tic. In the previous blog I described what a vocal tic is. A tic is basically an involuntary movement or an involuntary sound that is made. Speaking the word "Hey!" involuntarily would be a vocal tic. Tics are predominantly symptoms of tic disorders such as transient tic disorder, chronic tic disorder, or Tourette's Sydrome. Tics can also be symptoms of other disorders such as cerebral palsy or Huntington's disease.

In the previous blog, I talked about how I used the word "Hey!" in my life, and I realized that most of the time when I use the word "Hey!", it is to get / gain a form of 'acknowledgement' from another person so that I can feel 'validated'. So within speaking the word "Hey!", I realize how my starting-point for even uttering the word is within a form of self-diminishment which is an expression that is required to be able to experience how it feels to be validated by others.

I realize that to 'feel' 'validated' within / around certain people, or groups of people, means that I have to diminish myself to others which means that being in a position of self-diminishment, one will automatically accept everything about the other person or other people that I am desiring validation from -- regardless of their mental condition.

Society on the 'outside' almost always look normal because of how we agree on each other's own deceptive tactics within suppressing who we really are which is the reason that so much consequence exists within this word today. So to 'feel belonged' is also a point where I am validating everyone's mind -- regardless of what a person did within their lifetime and how it affected themselves and others. So this is really a big fuckup -- in wanting / desiring 'validation' from others because within wanting / desiring 'validation' from others, I am subjecting myself to all forms of minds that generate all forms of consequences.

I see, realize, and understand that when and as I desire 'validation' from others -- that I will have to diminish myself to the person, or people, that I am desiring validation from in order to experience 'validation' -- which means that within me diminishing myself is a blind acceptance of everything that that person / people stand for within their life and what they did, and how they contributed to 'consequence'.

I see, realize, and understad that within desiring validation -- is like a drug. It's like a 'good feeling' that 'stimulates' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word 'Hey' in order to get something out of it such as 'validation' or a 'positive experience'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'unstable' through desiring 'validation' from others..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by desiring 'validation' of the words that I speak and the expression that I show to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself as being a 'victim' to that which I speak or express to others instead of standing as the 'author' of what I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my words to 'dictate' me through using words to get validation from others based on their feedback that they give to me, and within that, believe that if their feedback is 'positive' -- that that means that what I said or expressed to them is an 'acceptable social expression'.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that which has become an 'acceptable social expression' by the feedback from others -- to 'perfect' my 'personality' and expression that I show to others so that I can use my expression to be validated by more people that I didn't get validated by initially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my 'stability' in relation to how I express myself with words, and my 'empowerment' -- as the 'power' to direct the words that I speak, and instead, use words to get 'validation' from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my words that I speak to 'define' me by using words from a starting-point of wanting to be 'validated' by others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that every moment when I am communicating with others, I am in-fact creating myself in that moment from a starting-point of either being a victim to the words that I speak, which I within that, allow my words that I speak create / define me, or from a stand-point of expressing myself through the words that I speak, meaning that the words that I speak becomes an 'extension' of myself rather than reacting to the words that I speak, and am not using the words that I speak to create reactions in others.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I react to the words that I speak -- that the starting-point for the words that I speak will be in the form of, for instance, a 'desire' to be 'validated'.


And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I react to the words that I speak -- that the starting-point for the words that I speak will also be in the form of a desire to cause reactions in others -- regardless of whether those reactions are positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in a 'position' to where I am 'influenced' by my words or another's words emotionally instead of realizing that to be the creator and author of what I speak -- that I have to stand in a position of 'stability' because if I am not standing in a position of 'stability', I am, 'rather', standing in a position of 'instability' -- as being self-victimized to the words that I speak.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the word 'Hey' by using it to get 'validation' from others.

I commit myself to change my relationship to the word 'validation' from it being defined within myself as the process of trying to attain validity to a particular 'behavior' or 'expression' of mine to be seen as valid amongst a social group or a social class to 'validation' being used as a tool to assist and support myself to, when and as I desire to be 'validated', I stop and breathe. I change my starting-point of the desire to be 'validated' to a starting-point of 'investigating' what particular expression within myself am I desiring to be 'validated', and to release myself from the relationship to that particular expression that desires to be 'validated' by realizing that when and as I remain dependent on 'validation' from this perspective -- that I can never BE REAL because I have given a superiority status to my thoughts, my emotions / feelings within and as my mind, and so thus, because I have given a superiority status to my relationship to my thoughts, emotions / feelings within and as my mind that I desire to be validated, I perceive that as 'more real' than me.

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Read June's Blog About The Word 'Hey': Day 1 | Day 2

Day 1: Hey! | 21-Day Mind-Investigation on Words and Behavior

Here in this blog series, I will be looking at different words and the physical behaviors that I connected to those words that I express within my world / reality. In this blog, I'd like to start off with the word 'Hey!' from the perspective of how I speak the word 'Hey!' as a vocal tic. Vocal tics are involuntary sounds or words made that usually occur with people who have a tic disorder such as transient tic disorder, chronic tic disorder, or Tourette's Syndrome.

Here in this blog, I want to look at how I, before I developed a tic disorder, used the word 'hey' in my life because, for me, if I am not standing 'equal' to the word 'hey', then the way that I use the word 'hey' will be used from a starting-point of self-diminishment -- meaning that I am using the word 'hey' to get something out of speaking / expressing the word 'hey' to others -- such as 'attention' or a 'positive feeling', and within that, if I allow that to be my starting-point for saying the word 'hey' to others, then that becomes my definition, and so thus, my 'standing' as who I really am as 'stability' and 'empowerment' gets 'suppressed' within myself, and what thus, takes the 'forefront' is self-victimization -- in relation to being a 'victim' to the words that I communicate to others, and how I perceive myself to be within that communication.

I realize that the way that I communicate to others with how I define words and express and speak those words is actually, in-fact, how I see myself when communicating to others, and so am actually expressing myself either from a stand-point of being a 'victim' to words within allowing my words that I speak to define me, or from a stand-point of being the 'creator' and 'author' of what I speak. I realize that in order to be the creator and author of what I speak, that I cannot stand in a position to where I am 'influenced' by my words or another's words. I realize that, as the creator and the author of what I speak -- that I have to stand in a position of 'stability' because if I am not standing in a position of 'stability', I am rather, standing in a position of instability -- which is where self-victimization comes into play.

So getting back to the word 'hey', the primary point that comes to mind in relation to the word 'hey' is me wanting attention from others in order to receive 'validation' from them; so I would speak the word 'hey' which, thus, would create a reaction from their end that would trigger them to look at me in a slight anxiety. Another thing that comes to mind is when I see other individuals communicating about something of which I would, thus, break into their flow of conversation by being a part of it so I can feel as though I 'belong' instead of feeling 'separate' from the individuals that are communicating with each other. I see, realize, and understand how this is also related to using the word 'Hey!' -- as a way of getting / gaining validation from the person that I am wanting attention from.

So a general mind-pattern for this would be me saying within my mind, "I want your attention, so I will have to say 'Hey!' so you can hear me and give me validation".

So in the next blog, I would like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to this. Self-forgivness is a way for me to release myself from self-victimhood by investigating my relationship to the words that I speak. In this case, it would be investigating why I desire attention in the first place. And then from me investgating the point of why I desire attention from others, I can thus, forgive myself -- for accepting and allowing myself to be a victim to what I speak because I realize that I am the one that is, on some level, deciding to be a victim to that which I speak. So I can, thus, in-fact see the bullshit that I put myself through, and thus, be the 'bull' that breaks through self-victimhood into self-empowerment.

I will continue in the next blog....

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Read June's Blog About The Word 'Hey': Day 1 | Day 2

Echolalia and Echopraxia: Self-Forgiveness

In the previous blog, I mentioned how I experienced something called echolalia which is an automatic repetition of vocalizations made by another person. Echolalia, basically, can be a symptom of Tourette's Syndrome along with other medical conditions such as schizophrenia, dementia, and epilepsy. Along with echolalia, there is also a phenomenon called echopraxia which I have, since the last blog, experience only once or twice. Echopraxia, basically, relates to mirroring physical behavior from someone which is also a symptom of the medical conditions mentioned above.

In the previous blog, I talked about two primary points in relation to Echolalia which is the copying / mirroring of others contingent on:

1. The belief that I am not 'complete', and so require to copy others as a way of developing my behavioral platform.


2. Inherited biological changes that occur in the DNA that others along the generational line copy / duplicate.

So in this blog, I would like to write some self-forgiveness statements in relation to these two primary points. Self-forgiveness, for me is a way of releasing myself from, for example, the notion that I have to copy and duplicate others in order to feel like I 'belong' so that I will not feel 'inferior' to others because I realize that within me copying and duplicating others from this perspective -- that it is actually a manipulation point within suppressing the idea about myself that I am 'inferior' to others, and so I will constantly make an attempt to strengthen the other polarity -- which is copying and duplicating other's expressions to attempt to / try to 'fit in' with how I perceive the is the 'most agreed' / 'most expressed' behavior(s) of general society. So here I start.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the general behavior of society is a collection of people copying / duplicating other people over and over again to the point that what is presented within and as society has become the 'accepted' expresson of 'disempowerment' presented in an 'elegant' framework.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'unique'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that anything that I 'blindly' believe as the definition of 'who I am' is based on the fear of 'losing' that which I believe I have gained as a 'personality' that I use to 'impress' others with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'not complete'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something or someone that I perceive as a 'separate' entity to me to 'complete' me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the 'fuzzy logic' within this -- which is me blindy accepting who I am, but at the same time, believing that I need something or someone else to 'complete' me.

I commit myself to instead of blindly believing who I am because of how I 'feel' in that moment, I commit myself to question how I feel.

I commit myself to stop trusting in the nature of how I feel if I do not know where those feelings are coming from.

I commit myself to stop depending on others to make me 'feel' a certain way.

I see, realize, and understand that within me emotionally reacting to something or someone -- that I, on some level, have done or contributed to the same thing that caused me to emotionally react to that something or someone, and so thus, am 'mirroring' my own self-dishonesty through the person that I emotionally reacted to.

I commit myself to shatter all self-definitions that I have about myself because I realize that when and as I go into an 'emotional reaction' about something or someone -- that that is 'equal' to looking at a cracked mirror -- meaning that I allowed that something or someone to influence me, and so thus, cannot stand in and as a 'position' of stability and constancy.

The Word 'Bitch'

Here in this blog, I'd like to talk about my experience with my tics. My tics have developed over time into several different movement tics and vocal tics. One of the new vocal tics is the word 'bitch'. I realize how the word 'bitch' is one word within the human language that has been categorized as 'offensive'. When I think about the word 'bitch', I see it as a word that, when it is spoken, it is spoken by someone with confidence. So to me, the word 'bitch' represents confidence.

When vocalizing the vocal tic 'bitch', there is no emotional and feeling behavior attached to it, and since there is no emotional and feeling behavior that is present when vocalizing it, I connect me vocalizing the tic 'bitch' to 'confidence'. But when I speak the word 'bitch' directly, then there is a slight resistance to speak it because of perceiving it as a 'bad' word.

So here, I'd like to write some self-forgiveness statements for defining the word 'bitch' as a bad word, and also for fearing to vocalize it because of how the word 'bitch' represents a 'bad' word. Self-forgiveness, for me, allows me to gift myself, through writing, the opportunity to look back at my experiences, and release any judgments that I placed on words, and any fears that I hold onto within myself. Within releasing my judgments and fears, I am able to more clearly see my starting-point (which is the reason) as to why I see the word 'bitch' as a bad word, and my starting-point as to why I fear expressing confidence in certain moments. So here we start with some self-forgivenesses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word 'bitch' as a 'bad' word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that I am 'separate' from confidence, and so within this, when I vocalize the tic 'bitch' believe that the vocalization of it is 'giving' me confidence instead of realizing that to 'be' or 'have' confidence is a self-decision -- not a decision coming from elsewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more that I vocalize the tic 'bitch', the more 'confident' I will become of being able to communicate with others without fear or resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a 'personality' or a 'behavior' of 'confidence' to my tics, and to other people that speak the word 'bitch' (believing that they are confident in every aspect of their lives because they speak the word bitch), and so thus, see my tics and other people that speak the word 'bitch' as 'more superior' than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word 'confidence' to my tics through believing that because there is no emotional and feeling behavior present when I tic -- see each movement or vocal tic as a representation of 'confidence' instead of realizing that when I project 'confidence' to something or someone else from a starting-point of seeing that something or someone else as 'superior', how that projection of confidence is based on a 'feeling' within myself that is generated by the belief that I am 'separate' from confidence.

And so thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can never actually 'express' confidence until I give up own self-judgment of myself as having 'no' confidence of which I, from within this self-judgment, will see others as 'confident', and desire to have my perception of other's level of 'confidence'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the one that is creating my perception of others as 'confident' when I perceive others as being 'more superior' than me in the area of confidence, and that I am the one that is creating my desire to have their level of confidence within myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to correct myself (or refuse / resist correcting myself), from the perspective of investigating the origin / the source of what it is within myself, my memories, my emotions, etc., that I am holding on to of which I am keeping myself in the belief that I have 'no confidence', and so within this not realize how I am existing in a 'personality' or a 'behavior' of having 'no confidence' that is coming from my relationship to memories and emotions that I have not looked at / investigated or resisted to look at / investigate within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to my father, and so within this, see my father as 'superior', and because my biological father was was not present with me in my younger ages, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy / duplicate my mom's behavior which I interpreted as 'submissive', and so within this, create a 'personality' within my life of believing that I am 'inferior' to others.

I realize that the word 'bitch' is a word that has been giving a negative connotation to it because of my experience of how this word makes others feel 'inferior'.

I realize that when I react to how the word 'bitch' makes others feel 'inferior' -- that I am also defined by this fear of inferiority within myself which I will, thus, desire to be validated within my life through desiring others to tell me how 'smart' I am or how 'confident' I am or how 'special' I am.

I realize that when I fear that others are being 'invalidated' by my words that I speak or behaviors that I express through movements, that it is because I fear being invalidated by them through their reactions towards me, and so will constantly validate others in my life by telling them how 'smart' they are or how 'confident' they are or how 'special' or 'beautiful' they are.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of being invalidated by others because the more that I fear being invalidated by others the more that I am not able to take self-responsibility to direct the communication in a way that is best. Because if I allow the communication to direct me through emotions and feelings, I will use those same emotional and feeling reactions in other situations / events / circumstances and will, thus, create a 'domino effect' where other people will begin copying and duplicating my own reactions.

And so I commit myself to develop self-honesty within myself through realizing that I do not need to be validated by others because the more that I look for validation through others, the more that I will look for that 'confidence' through others instead of expressing that confidence within myself. I realize that confidence comes from an expression where the need for validation no longer is necessary, and so I commit myself to be self-honest by speaking and communicating with others in such a way that I am no longer looking for validation, and am no longer validating the other person / people that I am communicating with by trying to please them through words and gifts.

Echolalia and Echopraxia

Since February of the year 2014, I have experienced something that is called echolalia. Echolalia is the automatic repetition of vocalizations made by another person. It can be a symptom of Tourette's Syndrome, but is also a symptom of aphasia, schizophrenia, dementia, catatonia, and epilepsy. There is also a phenomenon called echopraxia that has not been my personal experience, but relates to mirroring physical behavior which is also a symptom of all of the 'disorders' mentioned above.

I realize how, within my life, how I have adopted other people's behaviors and mannerisms, but I might not be fully conscious in these moments of this process of adopting other people's behaviors and mannerisms. Because I adopt these particular behaviors and mannerisms, it is like a process where I actually, on an unconscious level, separate myself from that individual, in other words, seeing that individual within my mind as a 'separate entity'. And also I realize how, within this how I, because of seeing other people 'separate' from me, how this point is 'mirrored' within myself where I see my own self as a separate entity -- meaning that there are things within myself, within my mind, that I believe have to be fulfilled, and so I adopt other people's behaviors and mannerisms to attempt to fulfill the point that I believe needs to be fulfilled. It is like separating myself from myself, within my mind on an unconscious level, and creating myself as who I 'want' to be contingent upon the behaviors and expressions of others, and so within that, adopt other people's behaviors and expressions to 'fulfill' that want / need / desire that I see myself 'lacking' -- on an unconscious level. When I say 'on an unconscious level', I might not be consciously aware of this process, but it is something that has been a consistency within my life -- and this is, in a sense, no different that Echolalia and Echopraxia even though echolalia and echopraxia are termed as medical or psychological conditions or disorders. So the question is, doesn't everyone have Echolalia and Echopraxia to some extent when looking at it from the perspective of how other people's behaviors and mannerisms are copied / duplicated within ourselves?

There is also the phenomenon where even things that we have encountered, experienced, and / or walked within past moments in our lives is copied -- in which, what we are essentially saying is that our expression as individuals is dependent on past circumstances because of how our behaviors and mannerisms that were expressed in the 'past' is re-enforced, and re-lived through our minds that then gets siphoned into and as a physical behavior that we adopt. So it is like -- our individual expressions and our relationship to the 'present' is not actually lived nor even fully recognized or understood, but what is recognized is the 'who we are' that is defined through past circumstances that we adopt over and over again in our lives like a broken record into the present 'reality', and because it is lived and expressed within the present reality, we believe it to be who we really are. The question is, isn't this the same as Echolalia and Echopraxia in a sense -- where our past behaviors and mannerisms are relived and reinforced over and over again to the point that it becomes automated as part of our 'personalities'?

And also, according to research that has been gathered from the Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta, it was shown that it is possible for some information to be inherited biologically through chemical changes that occur in the DNA. During tests they learned that mice can pass on learned information about traumatic or stressful experiences – in this case a fear of the smell of cherry blossom – to subsequent generations.

So it is a point to consider also how our genetic factors can additionally play a role in how our behaviors and mannerisms can be duplicated to members within our family. For instance, I never realized how me saying the word 'dang' within my life is equal to how the word 'dang' is also expressed by other members of my family in a similar fashion. The point here is not so much the knowledge and information of how particular words and behaviors are transferred from one individual within the family to other individuals, but it is to realize how our words and behaviors that we accept as our individual expressions are already compromised when we are not aware of why we in-fact speak the words that we speak, and how / why we express the behaviors that we 'express'. It is not such a point of fearing to be a 'drone', and feeling as though to be free -- one has to 'deprogram' the genetic structures and the DNA that is responsible for the duplication of particular words and behaviors of other family members, but instead, wouldn't it be cool to -- instead of blindly duplicating words and behaviors from others -- to understand our relationship to the particular words and behaviors that we speak, and why we speak them?

This, thus, brings a new awareness to ourselves in which, with this new awareness, we can thus, redefine our relationship to what and how we speak and how we express ourselves to others through our physical behaviors. In that we, we no longer remain as a 'reaction' to words and behaviors', but realize ourselves as the 'creator' of how words and how behaviors are expressed within us as us.

In the next blog, I will provide some self-forgiveness statements in relation to how we can understand our relationship to particular words and behaviors that we speak and why we speak them.