31 May 2015

Touching as a Weakness

Here in this blog, I am opening the point of how I, in my life integrated myself within the personality / behavior / expression of being stoic to such an extent that I perceive the element of 'touch' as an act of weakness due to me associating a 'feeling' to the act of touch which is the feeling of 'enjoyment' and 'delightfulness', and reacting to that / those 'feelings'.

I realize that within the very point of reacting negatively to 'touch', when being 'touched' by another, such as a relationship partner, that my stoic expression is not genuine, but is rather, based on me suppressing myself around others, and 'resisting' touch instead of 'embracing' it. When I embrace touch, it simply means to accept and allow myself to experience the psychological and physiological emergences and changes that happen in that moment such as changes in physical pressure, temperature, physical arousal, and changes in mental processes such as the emerging of particular thoughts and the emerging of emotional responses that are defined as, for example, 'desire' or 'resistance'.

So to accept and allow myself to embrace 'touch' essentially means that I do not react positively or negatively when being touched because once I 'react', then I become submissive to that 'reaction', which is essentially, me creating a 'relationship' to touch which means that I will define 'touch' based on how I 'feel' in the moment of being touched, and will create a 'value' to being touched. And because I created a 'value' to it, I will react to positively or negatively to the 'experience' of touch because of me creating a 'value' to the particular thoughts and emotions that emerge in that moment of touch which I will then, thus, begin judging the person that's touching me which will lead to an experience of 'attraction' or 'resistance' to them.

So, for instance, lets say that someone gently / non-sexually touched me, and within that moment of them touching me, there were particular thoughts, memories, and also imaginations that arose where I, for instance, imagined the person in my mind touching me which all contributed to a particular feeling of 'delightfulness'. Because I reacted to the feeling of delightfulness, I created, in that moment, a particular pattern within me that I will 'act out' over and over again in similar situations, and will essentially and subconsciously want / desire to act out that experience over and over again. Thus, I will begin assessing other people and experiences that I believe can 'match' that / those patterns that I placed within myself as a form of a 'reaction' to particular memories in the past so I can fulfill my desire for that experience of 'delightfulness' once again.

In my case, it is more of resisting certain people that touch me because of how I patterned myself, over-time, of creating a positive relationship to being alone because of believing that when someone touches me, they are 'taking away' my past. Also, another point of resisting certain people that touch me is when that person doesn't 'match' the physical appearance in my mind of the particular memories and imaginations in relation to a person that I may have had an 'attraction' to in the past, or even to a person that is not real but that I simply imagined over and over again to the point that the imagination has become somewhat influential. But this point is multi-dimensional in and of itself.

So I realize that becoming attracted to or resisting touch is resultant of my relationship to my own thoughts and emotions within myself that I have developed over-time, and it is that 'relationship' that has become my 'definition' in relation to how I 'relate' to certain people. And it is that 'relationship' that is, in-fact, my overall 'reaction' to others that have become a definition of how I 'respond' to others. And it is within 'touch' that I am able to really become aware of these 'responses' / reactions, and change them to no longer be diminished to them.

So in the next blog, I will continue with this point with some self-forgivenesses.

10 May 2015

Whining to Get a Point Across

Here in this blog, I will write at least one self-forgiveness and one commitment statement that I will commit to live by in relation to something that stood out for the day that I decided to reflect on. If you'd like to know more about self-forgiveness, you can read my blog about self-forgiveness here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use whining as a way to direct a situation that emerged instead of realizing that the very point of whining is actually me becoming diminished to the person that I am whining to, and the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I whine enough, I will produce results that will support my perspective of what it is that I am whining about to make my perspective of what I am whining about more 'credible' instead of realizing that this is actually me manipulating my words and behavior, and within that manipulation, diminishing myself to those words and behaviors rather than being self-honest in relation to situation, seeing the situation for what it is, and providing a practical solution that is livable.

I commit myself to, when I am communicating to someone about a point -- to ensure that my voice tonality does not become an effect from an emotional reaction which can be assessed by the changes within my voice tonality.

I commit myself to be aware of when my voice tonality in communication changes, and assess if there is any pressure / buildup / churning that emerges or takes place within my stomach region (similar to the butterflies-in-the-stomach experience), and my chest area (such as a pressure or build-up in my chest region) because I realize that when there are changes in my body concomitant to (which means 'followed by' or accompanying) a raise in my voice tonality, that this is a tell-tale sign that I am reacting to a person / people / a situation because of changes within my body that were either not originally present before the dispute with the other person / people or changes in my body that were already present within myself that created the intent of wanting justify a point through 'whining' and 'emotional reaction'.

I commit myself to, when a point of 'whining' emerges from within myself, to specify what within myself contributed to the point of whining, by self-honestly asking myself, "What within myself contributed to this point of whining?", and from there, I see, realize, and understand that by asking myself this, I will have the opportunity to see more dimensions / memories / layers of what contributed to the point of 'whining' to be able to be more specific in relation to directing the point of whining into a 'stability'.

12 April 2015

The Desire for Another to Be a Certain Way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire others to align to my personality in such a way that their personality reflect parts my personality in order to provoke an 'experience' within me of 'appreciation' that I then 'project' to the person which creates an experience of 'appreciating' them more.

I commit myself to be aware of when I go into an experience of 'appreciation' that I 'project' to others and question if the point of appreciation is because they remind me of a part of myself that I am 'seeing' in them because I see, realize, and understand that if the point of appreciation is because the other individual reminds me of a part of myself, then the appreciation is not 'pure' and not a true self-elicited expression, but rather dependent on a part of me that I created a 'value' to that is directing the experience of 'appreciation' for me.


I commit myself to question the parts of me that I created a 'value' to because I realize, and understand that when and as I create a 'value' to something / someone, I 'inflate' it / them in my mind -- meaning that it takes up more of my 'awareness', thus, will obscure my ability to make constructive decisions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question my own personality traits, but to instead, react to external stimuli that gives me 'impressions' that I then define as 'personality traits'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself 'like' or 'dislike' others contingent on their personality traits.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I have, for so long, reacted / responded to external stimuli (people, places, things, etc.), and how I used those reactions / responses to mold and shape me into a specific 'personality' that I then create a 'value' to, and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way that I have developed myself in relation to how I 'respond' to external stimuli has also been the way that I have judged others in relation to their reactions / responses to me / others / external stimuli -- that I then 'measure' through my own reactions / responses that give me my 'impression' of them, thus, creating the 'experience' of either being 'attracted' to them (as a person, friend, or potential mate) or a 'resistance' (not liking them / wanting to talk to them, etc.).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with someone to try to get them to understand my perspective about something / someone and not realize that what is behind this is 1) me creating a certain 'value' to the specific point that I am trying to get across to others which indicates that I have not really assessed my relationship to that particular point, and why I have inflated it in my mind as something that has become a significant point / part of me and 2) not realizing that on some level within myself, I have created a 'reaction' to the particular point that I am trying to get across to others because of the point of creating a 'value' to it in such a way that I argue with others to try to get the point across, and not realize how I am, on deeper psychological levels, actually intructing their mind to do the same thing which is 'reacting' in fear to the particular point I am trying to get across to them that creates a memory around that fear that, then, can / will be elicited / expressed in future situations / circumstances as a 'reaction' / 'response' to someone else their life if it is not directed.

I see, realize, and understand that the 'value' that I give to particular 'emotions' / 'feelings' is resultant of a particular biased relationship that I created from particular thoughts and memories that I inflated in my mind that I reacted to that constitutes the way that I respond to others in spoken words and / or behavior. I also see, realize, and understand that the way that I respond to others in spoken words and / or behavior is me responding to those very own memories / thoughts, etc., that I project to others in the form of words and behavior that creates the illusion of direct communication.


I commit myself to, when I communicate with others, to be physically present / engaged with them instead of being engaged in my thoughts / memories because I realize that when I am engaged in my mind during communication -- that I am no longer engaged with the person that I am communicating with, but am actually split in two worlds (the world of thinking / imagination, and the world of physical reality), and cannot be in a direct communication with another until I shift myself out of the world of thinking / imagination / the mind.

I commit myself to take self-responsiblity for what I speak and what I express through a process of measuring the stability of my words and behavior which entails measuring the 'emotional value' that I associated to particular words that I speak / express and particular behaviors that I elicit in a moment, and I commit myself to become aware of the fact that when I speak and express words and behavior that have emotional value in it -- that the 'value' in itself is resultant of a particular biased relationship that I created from particular thoughts and memories that I inflated in my mind by my very own reactions / responses to them that constitutes the way that I respond to others in spoken words and / or behavior.