Day 21: Judging Food That is High in Carbs as 'Bad' | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar

Here in this blog, I am continuing with Day 20: My Dad Has Diabetes So I Will Have it Too | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar. In the previous blog, I realized how my fear of diabetes stems from my dad having diabetes which contributes to me having a resistance for foods with high carbohydrate content. This fear of having diabetes was never really a prominent point within my life until it was triggered by a video that I watched wherein -- what I interpreted from the video was that eating too much sugar can contribute to a higher risk of diabetes. So here within this blog, I will write some self-forgivenesses regarding my resistance and fear of consuming foods that are high in carbohydrates.

For me, writing and speaking self-forgivenesses allows me to see the patterns that I am participating in daily that does not contribute to walking, establishing, and living within and as a principle of 'integrity', but moreover -- contributes to creating consequential situations / circumstances that could have been avoided if one did not 'react to' whatever it was that one reacted to within a particular event or situation that lead to a consequential outcome. And within seeing the patterns, I am able to 'forgive' those patterns as a form of 'releasing' those patterns from within myself, and then come up with solutions for real -- where I change my relationship to that which I am reacting to. In this case, it is me reacting to foods that have high carbohydrate content, and then creating a consequence of being 'picky' when I eat instead of trying each / every food item out in portions, rather than not trying them out at all. So here, I will write some self-forgivenesses, and then look at the corrections accordingly.

I see, realize, and understand that my starting-point for buying the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars is because of 1) to maintain a stable level of blood sugar, 2) to have something to eat a my job in between meals that won't raise my blood sugar level, and 3) to 'hope' that I do not get that 'bloating' sensation like I did when I ate the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been eating Munchies™ Peanut Butter on Toast crackers, but judged them because of their high-carbohydrate content.

I see, realize, and understand that I do not know how the Munchies™ Peanut Butter on Toast crackers affects my blood sugar, but went by a belief that because of their high carbohydrate content, I should get something 'low' in carbohydrate content just to be 'safe'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how this is, in-fact manipulation where in I manipulate myself by choosing food items that are seemingly 'low' in carbohydrate content to avoid the risk of diabetes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the knowledge and information about the carbohydrate content that is found food such as in the Munchies™ Peanut Butter on Toast crackers without cross-referencing the effect of eating food that are high in carbohydrates, according to research, with testing my blood sugar levels with a blood glucose meter, a lancet device, a lancet, and a test strip 2 hours after I eat.

I commit myself to see how my blood sugar levels is affected by the amount of carbohydrate content that I eat by physically testing my blood sugar levels with a blood glucose meter, a lancet device, a lancet, and a test strip.

I commit myself to -- when the test results of a glucose meter results in high blood glucose readings -- to portion the amount of the particular food item that is high in carbohydrate content and then to test again to see how it affects my blood sugar level instead of removing the entire food item which results in judging the food item as 'bad' or 'unhealthy'.

Day 20: My Dad Has Diabetes So I Will Have it Too | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar

Here in this blog, I am continuing with Day 19: Comparison | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar. In the previous blog, I talked about how I compared the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars with the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars. I also redefined the word 'comparison' from me judging a particular food item based on what it has in it, and then seeing that food item as 'better' compared to another food item that does not have that same ingredient -- to redefining it as using the word comparison as a way of examining, and noting the similarities or differences that each particular food item has with the other food item as a way of forming / formulating a 'solution' that can be practically lived as a 'correction' in relation to food that I eat.

I realize that the solution within the previous blog is that I cook something, such as meat for instance, that will stabilize any experiences of hunger within myself so that I won't keep getting hungry throughout the day, and also to cook something that has quality nutrient value, and that which I know that, based on experience, research, and measuring my blood glucose levels -- does not cause bloating, flatulence, stomach pain and / or bowel movement indications, and does not cause any spikes in my blood sugar levels. I also realize that this does not take the place of me trying out another protein bar that has similar sweeteners and properties like the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars and the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars have, but that cooking something like meat, for instance, is used for all of the other reasons mentioned above which are again:

1) So that I won't keep getting hungry throughout the day

2) Does not cause bloating, flatulence, stomach pain and / or bowel movement indications

3) does not cause any spikes in blood my sugar levels

I realize that to self-honestly correct myself is to face the resistance of wanting to buy any more brands that are similar to Fiber One and South Beach Diet so that I will develop an awareness of what I can eat as a protein bar -- that will not cause any symptoms of bloating, flatulence, stomach pain and / or bowel movement indications.

So here in this blog, I am writing self-forgiveness in relation to my relationship to food that has high-carbohydrate content. Self-forgiveness gives me the opportunity, through writing, to look at my relationship to carbohydrates, and to look at the fears in relation to what I have developed about carbohydrates. I realize that my fear of eating too many carbohydrates stems around a video that I watched where I interpreted the information in the video stating that one is at a higher risk of diabetes contingent on the amount of sugar that one consumes. And I realize that the origin of this comes from my biological dad having diabetes, and so within this, developing a belief within myself that my genes are more susceptible to diabetes because of my dad having diabetes. So first, I'd like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to this, and continue with my fear-relationship to carbohydrates in the next blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my dad has diabetes -- that I will get diabetes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having diabetes even if I am more susceptible to diabetes. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how this 'fear' stems from me not having an awareness of what I am putting into my body that can contribute in keeping my blood sugar levels stable.

I commit myself to develop an awareness of what it is that I am putting into my body as food -- that can contribute in keeping my blood sugar levels stable by buying a blood glucose monitor, a lancet device, some lancets, and some blood glucose test strips to test to find out what my blood sugar levels are two hours after a meal and / or when I wake up in the morning.

I will continue in the next blog with my relationship to high-carbohydrate content foods and how I developed a resistance to high-carbohydrate content foods because of my fear of being more susceptible to diabetes.

Day 19: Comparison | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar

Here in this blog, I am continuing with Day 18: Fiber Makes Me Run to the Bathroom | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar. In the previous blog, I talked about how I blame certain food items for being the reason for my experience of bloating and bowel movement indications. Whether the particular food item actually contributes to physical reactions, the point here is that I realize how 'blame' is used within the starting-point of wanting to have a 'pleasurable experience' to the food that I eat instead of looking at food, and creating a relationship with food from the starting-point of seeing, realizing, and understanding how that particular food item can contribute to my overall physical health. In this blog, I'd like to continue with the previous blog, but from the perspective of why I even chose to eat more fiber-rich food and fiber-rich products, but here, I want to start off with why I compared the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars with the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars that I ate some time ago before the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars -- which lead to a 'resistance' to even want to buy and eat the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars.

Self-forgiveness is something that I use in most of my blogs. It gives me the opportunity, through writing, to look at my relationship to, for instance, blame -- and to see how I use 'blame' to hide, for instance, 'guilt'. I realize that even if I do not know that I am hiding 'guilt', it is because that guilt has become a part of myself, and so the 'guilt' in this case would be not wanting to see, and realize that I have made my starting-point of eating foods a desire to experience 'pleasure' to the foods that I am eating instead of looking at and choosing foods from the starting-point of how my physical body's health can benefit from the type of foods that I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a 'resistance' within myself to consume the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars because of me projecting the past of when I ate the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars, and how I experienced bloating, and bowel movement indications after eating them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the pack of Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars from the starting point of fearing to have bloating and / or bowel movement indications, instead of trying it out first -- with no ideas, beliefs, or assumptions about it -- to see how my body processes it.

I see, realize, and understand that, just like blame, how 'resistance' is actually a judgment that I place upon a food item. I see, realize, and understand, within this, that a judgment reflects an ‘issue’ that exists within myself, whereby, that issue is superimposed (projected) onto the food that I am eating. I see, realize, and understand that my resistance that I have to buying the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars is not only resisting the particular ingredient within it that caused me to experience bloating and bowel movement indications, but this 'resistance' stems from me 'resisting' to change the way that I eat in a way that contributes to my overall physical health.

So, I commit myself to redefine 'resistance' into 'acceptance' so that when a resistance pattern comes up withn myself -- to, in that moment, redefine my relationship to that which I am 'resisting', by seeing how that particular person, place, and / or thing that I am 'resisting' can contribute to me seeing a solution within that moment rather than reacting to the particular person, place, and or thing.

I commit myself to redefine 'resistance' into 'acceptance' as a way of 'accepting' what is in front of me / in my physical reality, and within that -- seeing how what is in front of me can contribute to me seeing a solution within that moment instead of reacting to the particular person, place, and / or thing. I also commit myself to see how I can contribute to the particular event / situation with 'solutions' rather than 'reacting' to the particular event / situation that I am 'facing' with 'resistance'.

I commit myself to, in the moment of me deciding which candy bar that I should choose -- to, instead of deciding from the starting-point of fearing the experience of bloating, flatulence, stomach pain and / or bowel movement indications -- to choose from a starting-point of that which will assist in stabilizing any experiences of hunger, that which has quality nutrient value, and that which I know that, based on experience, research, and measuring my blood glucose levels -- does not cause bloating, flatulence, stomach pain and / or bowel movement indications, and does not cause any spikes in blood sugar such as meat.

I commit myself to, buy one candy bar instead of the whole pack of a product that is high in fiber and which, essentially, has similar sweeteners like the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars, and the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars to test to see how my physical body digests it so that, instead of resisting it by not buying it at all, it will be a point of 'acceptance' within testing it out to see if it has the same digestive affect as the South Beach Diet Fudgy Chocolate Mint-flavored candy bars, and the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars. Within this, I see, realize, and understand that, I can use my experiences of these particular candy bars that have a relatively high fiber content digests within my body to critically compare the ingredients and study the ingredients of which from within this, I can relatively gain an awareness of what I can eat that will not constitute in creating symptoms of bloating, flatulence, stomach pain and / or bowel movement indications.

I see, realize, and understand how I use 'comparison' to judge something as 'better than' something else contingent on what that particular person, place, and or food item (in this case) has in it. I commit myself to redefine 'comparison' where I, instead of judging a particular food item based on what it has in it -- in relation to another food item that does not have that same ingredient to -- use comparison as a way of examining, and noting the similarities or differences that each particular food item has with the other food item as a way of forming / formulating a 'solution' that can be practically lived as a 'correction' in relation to food that I eat.

I will continue in the next blog with how I judge and resist certain food items because of their high carbohydrate content without even testing to see how the particular food item practically and realistically affects my blood sugar levels.

Day 18: Fiber Makes Me Run to the Bathroom | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar

Here, I am continuing with Day 17: Fiber Makes My Food Safe to Eat | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar. In the previous blog, I talked about me deciding one day that I will buy a pack of Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter Meal Bars, and how the reason for buying them was to watch out for my carbohydrate intake, and so I was looking for something high in fiber because of the information that I researched about how fiber contains the sugars in fruits, vegetables, nuts, etc., thus, making it more difficult for the digestive tracts to break down the cell walls which, in turn, helps the liver by giving it more time to process the sugars.

Here in this blog, I'd like to continue with my relationship to fiber and how I experienced myself during and after I digested the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bar in the form of self-forgivenesses. Self-forgiveness allows me to look at my relationship to fiber, and how I experienced myself during and after I digested the particular Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bar. What does the word 'relationship' mean in this context? My 'relationship' to the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bar, is basically my emotional relationship to it (in other words, my emotional reactions to it), an in addition, the particular thoughts that I have about the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bar, and any imaginations that come up within my mind about the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut butter meal bars. So here I start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the very ingredients within food as being the 'cause' as to why I experience certain kinds of physical body reactions such as, in this case, bloating, and digestive reactions leading to bowel movement indications.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that blaming food is when there is an emotional reaction to the food that I eat, and / or when I judge either the entire food item and all of the ingredients or a single ingredient within the food item as being the reason to why my physical body reacted the way that it did.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how blaming the food that I eat is basically looking at my experiences that I had with a particular food item or an ingredient within a food item that I judged as 'bad experiences' instead of looking at the nutritional content, and how that particular ingredient or food item contributes to my overall physical health.

I commit myself to look at / research how a particular food item / ingredient contributes to my overall physical health. I realize, within this, that when I 'blame' food -- that my starting-point for eating the particular food item was because of wanting / desiring to experience 'pleasure' when eating it instead of looking at how that particular food item contributes to my overall physical health.

I commit myself to, instead of seeing / defining food from a starting-point -- as a substance that exists to give me pleasure -- to redefine food as a substance that is used as a source of nourishment.

I will continue in the next blog on my relationship with carbohydrates, and how I judge food items as 'bad' if they have a high-carbohydrate content which is one of my starting-points for me leaning to fiber as a 'good carbohydrate' that supposedly helps with maintaining blood sugar levels.

Day 17: Fiber Makes My Food Safe to Eat | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar

One day, I decided to buy a pack of Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter Meal Bars. The reason that I bought it is because I was watching out for my carbohydrate intake, and so I was looking for something that is high in fiber. This particular candy bar has sugar (which is sucrose). Sucrose is composed of 50% fructose, and 50% glucose. It also has chicory root extract, maltodextrin, and other 'hidden' ingredients that act like sweeteners but are used for other purposes. Fiber supposedly is an unrefined carbohydrate that helps slow the absorption rate of sugar. According to Dr. David Ludwig, fiber provides its greatest benefit when the cell walls that contain the sugars remain intact. Sugars are secluded in the cells of fruits, and it takes time for the digestive tract to break down those cells. The sugars therefore enter the bloodstream slowly, giving the liver more time to metabolize them. Four apples may contain the same amount of sugar as 24 ounces of soda, but the slow rate of absorption minimizes any surge in blood sugar. Repeated surges in blood sugar make the pancreas work harder and can contribute to insulin resistance, thereby increasing the risk for Type 2 diabetes. So when I learned about how fiber helps slow the absorption of sugar, I went to buy some candy bars that were high in fiber.

So here in this blog, I will write some self-forgivenesses regarding my relationship to the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bars. Writing self-forgivenesses, or speaking them, gives me the opportunity to look at my mind patterns of judgment, for instance, such as judging the particular candy bars that I bought as 'better than' or 'more healthier' than 'regular' candy bars, or comparing the candy bar that I chose the second time with the candy bar that I chose the first time. Self-forgiveness allows me to then investigate the reason why I am judging or comparing something / someone to something / someone else, and from me investigating my patterns of judgment, comparison etc., I am able to develop a point of correction that I can apply physically by correcting myself each time that a similar event / situation occurs within my life where I would normally use judgment, comparison, etc. within and as the words that I speak and / or the behavior(s) that I express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself follow my 'desire' for something sweet by eating any particular food item that is sweet so that I can have an experience of fulfillment and pleasure instead of investigating that which I am actually consuming -- making sure that that which I consume is 'agreeable' to the body, for example, in sustaining optimal blood-sugar regulation.

I commit myself to buy a blood sugar monitor, some lancets, and test strips to test to see how eating certain food items, such as a candy bar, effects my blood sugar levels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot have anything sweet because, practically, everything is high in sugar.

I commit myself to test different kinds of food items that I believe is high in sugar with a blood sugar monitor before I consume the particular food item, and two hours after I consume the particular food item to test to see how the particular food item that I believe is 'high in sugar' affects my blood glucose levels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should 'give up' certain food items that are high in sugar content instead of realizing that I can 'portion' those particular food items instead of giving them up.me 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I give up certain food items that resulted in readings that were above the 'normal' glucose readings (in relation to my physical body blood glucose levels) instead of portioning those food items -- that this 'giving up' point is because of a fear of having high blood glucose levels if I eat the particular food item again -- which is based on a judgment within me of judging the particular food item as 'not fit' for the consumption of my physical body.

I commit myself to portion my intake of the particular food items that corresponded to high blood glucose readings after eating them, and then test again to see what the blood glucose readings are again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the food items that are high in sugar content as 'bad' or 'unhealthy', and judge the food items that are low in sugar content as 'healthy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel safe' when I eat foods that are low in sugar content, and feel a slight sense of 'anxiety' or 'uneasiness' when I eat foods that are high in sugar content because of the fear of having diabetes if I eat too many foods that are high in sugar content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will get / have diabetes if I eat too many foods that are high in sugar or carbohydrate content.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this fear of getting / having diabetes stems from me not having an awareness of the nutritional content of the foods that I am eating, and an awareness on how my body is being affected by the foods that I eat. And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have an awareness of how my body can be nutritionally supported by the foods that I eat, and so within this, fear dis-ease and sickness because of me not directing this fear of dis-ease and sickness through supporting my physical body's health.

I commit myself to develop an awareness on what I put into my body, such as the vitamin / mineral content of particular food items, the sugar content, and I additionally commit myself to develop an awareness on the kinds of ingredients found in food, and what those ingredients are used for, how they are produced, and how they affect the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when I eat foods that have high fiber content because of the belief that fiber slows the absorption of sugar.

I commit myself to test to see how fiber affects my blood sugar levels by, for example, testing my blood sugar levels before I eat a piece of white bread, and testing my blood sugar levels after I eat a piece of white bread. I commit myself to, on the next day, test my blood sugar levels before I eat a piece of whole grain wheat bread or rye bread, and test my blood sugar levels after I eat a piece of whole grain wheat bread or rye bread, and compare both results of how both breads affected my blood sugar levels because I realize that white bread, according to studies, has less fiber content than whole grain wheat or rye bread.

I will continue in the next blog with my relationship to fiber and how I experienced myself during and after I digested the Fiber One Chocolate Peanut Butter meal bar.

Resources

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21 Days Mind Investigation on Sugar

http://budsoflife.org/sf-sugar

The Sugar Log Project: Developing an Awareness of How Much Sugar We Consume

http://sugarlog.budsoflife.org/

Relationship Support: Blogging with Partner

June (my wife's) 21 Days Mind Investigation on Sugar Blogs

Financial Support

https://leonperry.selz.com/

Life Support

My Living Principles

The Press

Day 16: Taste as a Reward SC | 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar

Here in this blog, I am continuing with 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward SF | Day 15. In the previous blog, my self-forgivenesses were focused more on memories within my life where I connected different types of food items within those memories to experiences of happiness and enjoyment, and within that, I realize how I use those same memories / experiences, and how I reacted within those same memories / experiences as references to how I react to particular present situations that have similar components to the memories / experiences that I reacted to in the past -- such as the food that I am eating within a particular moment, or the restaurant that I am eating at and / or the food that I am eating at the particular restaurant. So here in this blog, I will continue with some self-forgivenesses and commitments as a way of wrapping up the 'Taste as Reward' point.

Self-Commitments allows me to identify points of correction that I can physically / practically live within my life as a way of changing my relationship to a particular person or event / situation that I initially reacted to. When I physically / practically live what I commit myself to do within writing, it is a way of correcting myself to not react to an event or situation that arises, but to remain stable and remain clear of who I am in relation to the event / situation as a way of grounding myself.

I see, realize, and understand that when I believe that I should 'feel' something 'emotionally' to / towards the food that I eat, that this is actually me manipulating myself to see the food that I eat as something 'more than' what it in-fact is.

I see, realize, and understand that I use emotions to manipulate my perception / judgment of people, places, and things, and so thus, will judge that person, place, and / or thing as either 'better than' or 'inferior' to me.

I see, realize, and understand that when I react emotionally to the food that I eat, it means that I reacted to the taste of a particular food item to the extent that the 'taste' of a particular food item became the main element about the food that I look for which I either ignore, miss, or am not aware of the other important contents / components about the food that I am eating such as where the ingredients of the particular food item comes from, what are the vitamin and mineral content of the food, what do the vitamin and mineral content do as a means of supporting the body, what is the sugar content of the particular food item, what are the ingredients within the particular food item that is 'disguised' as sugar, what is the protein, sodium and fat content of the particular food item, and what other types of foods can 'go with' the particular food item that I am eating as a means of 'compensating for' the lack of vitamin and mineral content that the particular food item that I initially decided to eat does not have a sufficient amount of -- to provide the body with effective nourishment.

I commit myself to ground myself in relation food by changing my starting-point towards food to, instead of reacting emotionally to the food that I eat -- to find out what particular ingredients contribute to the taste of the particular food item, and to see how that which contributes to the taste of the food item became merged together as a delicacy.

I commit myself to find out what contributes to the taste of the particular food item by separating the ingredients one-by-one to see how that particular food item / delicacy is created.

I see, realize, and understand that how I see certain foods that I eat as a 'reward' is because of how the taste affects me emotionally, but that that which contributes to the taste are different ingredients. And so within this, I see, realize, and understand that I am, in-fact, unconsciously assigning all of the different ingredients that make up the particular food item as being a 'reward', in essence -- and thus, seeing them as a 'delicacy' within my mind, but not realizing that they are the 'everyday' ingredients that I have eaten many times.

For instance, I realize that one ingredient that makes the peanut sauce what it is -- are peanuts; so I am, unconsciously within my mind, assigning the peanuts a status of being a 'reward' based on how the peanuts constitute to creating the sensations of 'taste' within myself that I assign an 'emotional' value towards -- because of the taste.

Within this, I realize how I manipulate myself by seeing peanuts by themselves as 'not a delicacy', and how I see the peanut sauce as a 'delicacy' when they are added with other ingredients.

I realize that part of the reason that I am seeing the peanut sauce as a 'delicacy' is because of how the peanut sauce reminds me of me being at home as a child eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and not having to worry or be concerned about what I am eating because of me being ignorant to the fact of what is involved with the making of the bread, the jelly, and the peanut butter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the peanut sauce as a 'delicacy' because of how the peanut sauce that I ate with the salad rolls reminds me of me being at home as a child eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and not having to worry or be concerned about what I am eating because of me being ignorant to the fact of what is involved with the making of the bread, the jelly, and the peanut butter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this, see the point of being 'ignorant' about things as a kind of 'freedom'.

I commit myself to understand this world, how it works, and what the current events are within the world as a way of expanding my awareness on 1) how I am contributing on an individual level within my behavior and routine daily-living to that which is in this world, in essence -- manifested consequence, and 2) how I can walk a practical change within myself to assist / support myself to ground myself to no more be an effect of situations / circumstances that arise by reacting to them emotionally, but rather take responsibility in correcting myself in relation to whatever comes up within myself as emotions and reactions.

I realize that part of the reason that I am seeing the peanut sauce as a 'delicacy' is because of my 'lack of knowledge' within knowing how the peanut sauce is made.

I commit myself to expand the definition of 'delicacy'. I realize that the definition of the word 'delicacy' is something considered choice to eat. I commit myself to redefine the word 'delicacy' as something that is considered 'choice' to eat based on knowing what the ingredients of a particular food item is, how they are made, how it affects the body, and how all of the particular ingredients can constitute to providing optimal nourishment for the physical body.

I commit myself to expand on the definition of 'memory'. I realize that the definition of the word 'memory' is the cognitive processes whereby past experience is remembered. I commit myself to redefine the word 'memory' as the cognitive processes whereby past experience is remembered and used as a reference to how one can change in physical reality and how one can correct oneself when it comes to facing moments in physical reality to no more duplicate the emotions and behaviors of who one was in the past, but be able to ground oneself in the present to be able to walk in physical reality with stability, clarity and self-trust.

I see, realize, and understand how I define a reward as something that is 'separate' from me that I believe that I have to 'achieve'.

I see, realize, and understand how the dictionary defines a reward as a 'benefit' that results from some event or action.

I see, realize, and understand that a 'benefit' is something that aids or promotes well-being.

I see, realize, and understand that the most optimal 'benefit' that can be applied in every situation is to do that which is best in all ways possible.

I commit myself to redefine the word 'reward' as a 'benefit' that aids in producing that that which is best in all ways possible: realizing that what is best in all ways possible is producing ways of living and existing that are the most optimal in all ways, which will naturally align to what is best for oneself on an individual level.

21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward SF | Day 15

Here in this blog, I am continuing with 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward SF | Day 14. In the previous blog, my self-forgivenesses were focused more on my experience with receiving a reward when I was at a school spelling bee competition. In this blog, I'd like to now write some self-forgivenesses in relation how, for instance, when I won the spelling bee I became happy, and when I received the school spelling bee trophy, I became 'happier'. I realized in the previous blog, how this is the same with eating food. It's like saying that when we eat food, we should 'feel' something 'emotionally' in relation to the food and in relation to ourselves depending on the taste of the food. For instance, if the taste of the food is seen or judged as being 'bland', then we should feel 'less happy'. And if the taste of the food is seen or judged as being sweet, then we should feel 'happy' or 'happier' because of how sweet foods tends to generally activate more of the 'happiness experience'. And because a meal is experienced as being 'less sweet', the following meal, which is the dessert that is sweet, should make us 'feel happier' because of it being seen or defined as a 'reward' based on the taste. So it is as though 'taste' has been connected to 'feelings'.

So here I will write some self-forgivenesses in relation to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should ‘feel’ something ‘emotionally’ to the food that I eat – depending on the taste of it.

For instance, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I judge the food that I am eating as 'bland', fear that I will feel 'less happy' because of my 'experience' with foods that I judge as 'bland' as not being 'tastefully pleasing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect foods that I define as 'tastefully pleasing' to the word 'happy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect foods that I define as 'tastefully pleasing' to the word 'fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect foods that I define as 'tastefully pleasing' to the word 'joy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect foods that I define as 'tastefully pleasing' to the word 'fulfillment' because of my experience to eating foods that I define as 'tastefully pleasing' as being 'fulfilling'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance within a memory of me eating cream of wheat because of how I judged the taste of the cream of wheat as being 'bland' and the texture as 'gummy', and so within this, put sausage and bacon into my cream of wheat so that it will become more 'tastefully pleasing' to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not question the feeling of happiness that I experience when I eat foods that are sweet because of how I experience foods that are sweet as being 'tastefully pleasing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect foods that I define as 'tastefully pleasing' to the word 'happiness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the cinnamon roll, as being tastefully pleasing, to the memory of my grandmother eating cinnamon rolls with cheese, and experience myself when remembering these moments -- to 'happiness' because of how I was more 'communicative' and 'interactive' with my grandmother in those times and because of how I created a 'sense of loss' within my mind of not having those 'communicative' and 'interactive' moments anymore.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate for myself what those experiences were within my mind that created my experience to my grandmother that I interpret as me being 'more communicative' and 'interactive' to her -- not realizing that what contributed to my experience to my grandmother as me being more 'communicative' and 'interactive' is my experience of myself in those times as not having to worry about money, not having to worry about bills, being ignorant and naive about what's really going on in the world, and being ignorant and naive about what 'responsibility' and integrity really means.

And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of connecting the cinnamon roll to those moments of me interacting with my grandmother at a young age -- activate an experience of happiness within myself when I eat cinnamon rolls because of how I connected the 'taste' of cinnamon rolls to the memories of me interacting with my grandmother.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from 'happiness' and only become or experience 'happiness' when I remember something, and not realize how I am using my memories as a 'bridge' to 'happiness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my memories to give me an 'experience' of happiness, and define me within that 'dependency' through accepting that emotional or feeling experience to something or someone as a 'part of me' instead of realizing that I have made it 'part of me' through me emotionally reacting to my memories and accepting those reactions within the belief that my reactions are how I 'express myself'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the cereal, Corn Flakes, to one of my uncles when he informed me that eating Corn Flakes is a 'Robinson' thing, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I have a slight fondness to eating corn flakes, connect this 'fondness' of eating Corn Flakes to my uncle informing me that it is a 'Robinson thing' for my extended 'Robinson' family to be 'fond' of Corn Flakes. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize how I limit myself to that which I perceive and believe is part of my DNA -- which is to be 'fond' of Corn Flakes cereal. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my inclination and my reason to want to believe that me being fond of Corn Flakes as part of my DNA is so I can 'feel closer' to my family, and so within this, not realize how I am actually perceiving myself as a 'separate entity' from my family -- within believing that I am 'separate' from my family, and so use any and everything to try to 'connect with my family' within an 'illusion' of 'wholeness' to 'feel' like I am 'part of' the 'family'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect enchiladas as being 'tastefully pleasing', to the memory of my immediate family and I going out to Pancho's Mexican Buffet to eat together, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this 'togetherness-moment' within the word 'happiness' and 'fulfillment' within and through the belief that when family is 'together' enjoying each other -- that this experience is one of the most 'significant' and 'key' moments within one's life. And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the memory of me eating with my family into and as each and every moment that I eat enchiladas -- as a way of 'savoring' those memories when my mom and step-dad were married, and when my brothers and I were all living under the same roof as one household.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Braum's Cookies and Cream milkshake as being 'tastefully pleasing', to the memory of my family and I going to Braum's to get some ice cream and shakes, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this 'togetherness moment' within the word 'happiness' and 'fulfillment' within and through the belief that when my family is 'together' enjoying each other -- that this experience is one of the most 'significant' and 'key' moments within one's life. And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the memory of me going to Braum's with my family into and as each and every moment that I pass Braum's when driving or when I eat cookies and cream ice cream or drink a cookies and cream milkshake -- as a way of 'savoring' (SAVEoring / SAVIORing) those memories when my mom and step-dad were married, and when my brothers and I were living all under the same roof as one household.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when we eat food, we should 'feel' something 'emotionally' to the food that we eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through using 'emotions', and projecting my 'emotions' onto 'food', and believe that when I 'eat' food, that I should 'feel' something to the food that I eat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this statement is a statement of me accepting and allowing myself to be 'submissive' to my 'emotions' and to 'food' within accepting and allowing me to be / become influenced emotionally to the type of food that I am eating in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by my emotions within becoming influenced by my emotions and project my emotions to and towards food (within the taste of food).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'less happy' when I judge food within my mind as being 'bland'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'happy' when I judge food within my mind as being 'tasty' because of connecting the memories of me eating sweet foods to me having an 'experience' of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within 'feeling less happy' when and as I create a judgment about food in my mind as being 'bland'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within 'feeling happy' when and as I create a judgement about food in my mind as being 'tasty'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my 'emotions' to food, and believe that if a meal is experienced as being 'boring' then I should 'compensate' for that experience by getting a 'dessert' that I believe will make me 'happier' because of the 'taste'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'reward' to 'good feelings', and with this, associate all rewards as being something that is there to make me 'feel happier' about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within and as my mind and emotions within making rewards something that is 'superior', and so within that association, base my level of emotions and feelings and how I will 'react' to a particular reward contingent on how I define that reward within my mind and how I see it within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'taste' to 'feelings'.

I will continue in the next blog....

21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward SF | Day 14

Here in this blog, I am continuing with with 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward | Day 13 where I will write some self-forgivenesses in relation to what I wrote within that blog. I realized through writing that blog, how taste is something that I use to maintain a level of contentedness about life because of how I get a pleasurable feeling / sensation from some food items that I see or judge as being 'tasty' which will 'keep me content' (if you will) for several hours until the next meal. So within this blog, I will have a look at this point, and other points.

Writing self-forgivenesses, or speaking them, gives me the opportunity to look at, for instance, where my relationship to, with, and towards food comes from. I realize that it can start from one memory, and that if I do not take responsibility to let that memory go, what happens is I will relive that memory over and over again, and then start to develop emotions and feelings towards that memory and then because I did not stabilize myself in relation to the memory, I then define the memory as 'part of me' which I will live over and over within a particular state-of-mind or 'mood' that is triggered by a particular event or situation because I did not want to let go of the memory that I associated with an event or situation in some form or fashion. And what I mean by 'let go of' is a point of just simply realizing that I am not defined by my 'past', and so what I will do is, instead of reacting, I will just remain 'stable' and consistent with what I am doing or expressing myself within -- in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to 'do something' specific or 'consistent' in a particular activity, such as eating food at a restaurant, that will result in me getting a 'reward' which is, for example, dessert.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, depending on the starting-point of getting or achieving a 'reward', how this point of believing that I have to do something specific or 'consistent' that will result in me getting a 'reward' is because of me seeing a 'reward' as something 'separate' from me that I have to 'gain' or 'achieve'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when there is an emotion or a feeling that is attached to getting or achieving a reward, how this is indicative of me believing and perceiving that a reward is 'separate' from me, and that I have to 'do something' specific, consistent, and adequately in order to gain the reward.

I commit myself to -- when desiring dessert at the end of a meal, to instead, eat the dessert before the meal and see how I will react to this change, and write down / investigate my reactions, and which memories they are connected to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something or someone can 'make me feel happy' instead of realizing how this is projecting my own emotions and feelings that I created within myself onto something / someone, and within this, not take responsibility for that particular emotion or feeling that is coming up from within myself.

I realize that this 'looking for happiness' is a point of self-disempowerment -- where I disempower myself in relation to something or someone else by creating an 'emotional dependency' to that person.

I commit myself to ask myself, "Why am I searching for happiness elsewhere when I can simply express myself as 'happiness' in any moment?"

I commit myself to redefine 'happiness' in such a way that 'happiness' is not dependent on a 'feeling' to express it because I realize that when happiness is dependent on a 'feeling' to express it, that I cannot express it all of the time until that particular feeling gets activated within myself through events / situations / circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I believe that something or someone can 'make me feel happy', that this is me projecting my own emotions and feelings that I created within myself onto something / someone else, and thus, giving that emotion or feeling more 'power' and more 'control' over me instead of me taking responsibility for that particular emotion or feeling.

I commit myself to, when and as I have that tendency within myself to see others in a way that I believe that they are making me 'feel' a certain way, I stop, and breathe. I realize that I am projecting my own emotions and feelings that has been created overtime within myself onto that something or someone, and thus, seeing them within a more 'superior' status than me.

I commit myself to slow myself down when I am interacting with others. I realize that when I immediately react to others in a certain way, such as reacting to my name when someone calls me -- that that reaction is based on a slight fear and / or a slight anxiety-response within myself because of the fear of 'disrespecting' and / or 'ignoring' the person that is trying to get my attention.

I realize that when I slow myself down, that I am able to direct myself more effectively when communicating with others so that I do not immediately go into these reactive moments. I realize that when I go into these reactive moments when, for instance my name is being called out, that it is based on a fear of not validating that person within that moment or a fear of disrespecting the person that called my name, and so I realize that when I fear validating another person -- that I fear being validated, and so I commit myself to slow myself down in a way that when my name is being called, for instance, to move in a more 'slow' and 'smooth' fashion at the pace of my breath as a way of correcting the point within myself of the fear of being validated by others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I believe or perceive that something or someone is 'making me feel a certain way' that this is actually an outflow or a 'consequence' of me not taking responsibility for the emotion at hand, and thus, believe that I cannot take responsibility for it, and cannot 'direct' the emotion or feeling myself, and so thus, will blame another -- believing that they are the ones that are causing me to 'feel' a certain way.

I commit myself to change my communication with others -- to not become 'emotionally affected' within myself, and project the way that I feel to others.

I commit myself to stop expecting others to validate me within / through communication.

I commit myself to change my words and behavior in a way that the words that I speak and the behavior that I express is not expressed in such a way to get the other person that I am communicating with to validate me. I see, realize, and understand that this is actually manipulation within the desire to be validated by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my 'level of happiness' on an external 'source' or 'force' that I define as a 'reward' instead of asking myself the question, why does 'happiness' have to be dependent on something or someone else that I see or define as a reward? Wouldn't I be more stable if I simply decided to be happy? That way, I do not have to depend on something or someone else, or an event or situation to trigger a 'happiness experience' within myself.

I see, realize, and understand that when I become 'triggered' by a 'happiness experience' within myself -- that this 'happiness experience' is based on a 'fear experience' within myself where this 'happiness experience' is seen as 'happiness', but is actually an expression of 'relief' from me fearing to not be happy.

I commit myself to investigate my state-of-mind, and emotions to ensure that there is not an 'opposite' negative reaction or experience, such as fear, that is 'fueling' my state-of-mind and emotions because I realize that when my state-of-mind is being fueled by a negative experience within myself -- that what I am actually experiencing -- when I am feeling 'content' or 'happy' is a 'relief' -- which is me 'suppressing' the 'negative' within myself and not 'facing it' head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit happiness within a 'feeling'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'reward principle' within my desire to win within the school spelling be, and not realize how this desire to win is based on the fear of losing the spelling bee competition, and so within this, not realize how this 'happiness experience' that I 'felt' within myself when I received the spelling bee trophy is actually an experience of 'relief' for not 'losing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this, not realize how this experience of 'relief' within myself that I define as 'happiness' is connected to a fear of not being 'noticed', a fear of not being 'validated', a fear of not being seen as 'special', and a fear of having 'lack of intelligence' that I use to create so much of a positive experience towards me receiving a trophy as a reward in the 1995 spelling bee school competition.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I use 'relief' to not take responsibility for my 'states-of-minds' / my emotions and feelings that I defined as 'part of me' which in this case -- are my fears of not being 'noticed', not being 'validated', not being seen as 'special', and not having a sufficient level of 'intelligence' that is seen as 'normal' or 'above average'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my fear of not being noticed, validated, and special comes from me creating an emotion to the memory of my biological father not being present with me as a father when I was a baby, and within this, believe that something was 'wrong' with me because of him not being part of my life.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my desire for K. C. in elementary school is based on the fear of me having a lack of intelligence of which I, within this, created an attraction for K. C. because of my perception of her 'intelligence' within being able to make straight-As in every grade in elementary school, and so within this, not realize how this fear of not being intelligent enough is my desire of seeing myself as an 'equal' to K. C. within the belief that if I make straight-As like her, I will become 'equal' to her, and she will 'like' me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my desire to be 'equal' to others is what I am living out within my desire to be 'normal' like everyone else which I 'express' within my desire to be validated as a 'normal' person, my desire to feel 'special' so that many people will 'like' me, and my desire to be 'normal' within having 'equal intelligence' like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my desire to be 'normal' comes from my fear that I am 'not normal' because of how I developed a 'speech impediment' in kindergarten which I, thus, seen myself as 'different' from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'normal' or 'inferior' to others, and so within this, participate in the Spelling Bee in the 5th grade and believe that if I win, I will be 'equal' to all students in the school.

I will continue in the next blog with more self-forgivenesses.

21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward | Day 13

On Tuesday, June 10th, I decided to buy some salad sushi rolls. Normally, there are 8 in a pack. What comes with the sushi rolls is a dressing. This particular dressing that came with the salad sushi rolls is a light-brownish dressing that tastes like peanut butter and jelly; so eating the salad sushi rolls with the dressing added a peanut-buttery and jelly sweet taste to the already-existent taste and texture of the sushi rolls.

The point that I want to make here is how I connected the dressing that came with the salad to dessert because of the taste, and normally when dessert is eaten, it is eaten after a meal as something like a 'reward'. If I look up the word 'reward' in the dictionary, it is a benefit resulting in some event or action. The point is -- is that I really didn't do anything that is apt to result in dessert but simply ate a meal.

I see, realize, and understand how a reward makes me feel when I receive one. It makes me 'feel' happy. Even if I was already happy initially, I realize that when I receive a 'reward' it makes me 'happier'. One example of my experience with receiving a reward was when I was at a school spelling bee competition. I was initially happy being there at the spelling bee as a participant because of me being the winner of the initial classroom spelling bee, but when I received a trophy for winning the school spelling bee competition, I became happier. This was in the 5th grade. So I can equate my experience with receiving the school spelling bee with me receiving a dessert after a meal like a reward is being given to me.

And so within this, I can see how levels of feelings are at play here. When I was participating in the classroom spelling bee, I was a bit nervous, but happy that I had a chance to be in the competition. When I won that spelling bee, and became a participant in the school spelling bee, I became happier. And when I received the school spelling bee trophy, I became even happier.

I realize that this is the same when eating food. It's like saying that when we eat food, we should 'feel' something 'emotionally' in relation to the food and in relation to ourselves depending on the taste of the food. For instance, if the taste of the food is seen or judged as being 'bland', then we should feel 'less happy'. And if the taste of the food is seen or judged as being sweet, then we should feel 'more happy' because of how sweet foods tends to generally activate more of the 'happiness experience'. And because a meal is experienced as being 'less sweet', the following meal, which is the dessert that is sweet, should make us 'feel happier' because of it being seen or defined as a 'reward' based on the taste. So it is as though 'taste' has been connected to 'feelings'.

The question is, how was I experiencing myself 'before' I started eating -- because I realize that when my experience to something or someone change based on the changes in events or situations: such as going from not eating to eating, then I realize that that 'feeling' is 'dependent on' that particular event or situation, and so thus that particular food item becomes something that is there that when I 'eat it', I change from one state-of-mind (such as depression or apathy) to another state-of-mind (such as happiness) because of how I developed, overtime, part of my identity within food based on how my state-of-mind changes when I eat food. And so food becomes something that is there for me to 'enjoy' through taste rather than food being there as a source of nutrition and sustenance.

So if 'taste' is something that became part of my identity because of how I depend on 'taste' to give me a 'feeling' that I believe I am separate from, then that means that if the 'reward' is something that supposed to give me more of a 'pleasurable experience' it is as though I separated myself from myself into phases because of the belief that I am defined by 'feelings' that I experience within events and situations in my life. So the reward would be defined as something that is 'more of' me which I believe I can 'experience' when I eat 'dessert' (for instance), or when I become a 'winner' at a particular competition -- being that the 'reward' is something where I experience an intensified feeling of 'pleasure' within myself.

So my experiment that I did with the salad sushi roll was that I ate four of the salad rolls with the peanut sauce in the beginning instead of putting more peanut sauce on the salad rolls in the end because I realize, for myself, how the peanut sauce intensified the taste of the salad rolls which I experienced as 'pleasurable'. I ate the last four salad rolls without the peanut sauce to see how I would experience myself while eating the salad rolls without the sauce. I realize that within this experiment, there was a 'missing out' on the taste of which I, from this, became a bit apathetic in relation to what I was eating. There was also a bit of the emotion of aggravation, and sadness, but at the same time, I could actually taste the actual food items more -- that were part of the salad roll, but I didn't get a pleasurable experience (a good feeling) from the taste of the food items in the salad roll without the peanut sauce. So I can see, because of the existence of a negative experience to / towards the salad rolls without the peanut sauce, and the existence of a positive experience when eating the salad rolls with the peanut sauce, I can see how I defined part of myself, my identity, through 'taste' because of how I, within my life, defined myself as the 'feelings' and experiences that come up within myself when I am participating in events and circumstances that lead to an 'emotional experience', thus, putting me in a position of powerlessness and submissiveness to that which I 'feel' and 'react' to within my life. And so I will, within my life even if I am not hungry, eat food that tastes good, so that I can maintain that level of contentedness or happiness within my life so I can 'feel good' about myself as an individual within the world.

I will continue in the next blog.