21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward SF | Day 14

Here in this blog, I am continuing with with 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward | Day 13 where I will write some self-forgivenesses in relation to what I wrote within that blog. I realized through writing that blog, how taste is something that I use to maintain a level of contentedness about life because of how I get a pleasurable feeling / sensation from some food items that I see or judge as being 'tasty' which will 'keep me content' (if you will) for several hours until the next meal. So within this blog, I will have a look at this point, and other points.

Writing self-forgivenesses, or speaking them, gives me the opportunity to look at, for instance, where my relationship to, with, and towards food comes from. I realize that it can start from one memory, and that if I do not take responsibility to let that memory go, what happens is I will relive that memory over and over again, and then start to develop emotions and feelings towards that memory and then because I did not stabilize myself in relation to the memory, I then define the memory as 'part of me' which I will live over and over within a particular state-of-mind or 'mood' that is triggered by a particular event or situation because I did not want to let go of the memory that I associated with an event or situation in some form or fashion. And what I mean by 'let go of' is a point of just simply realizing that I am not defined by my 'past', and so what I will do is, instead of reacting, I will just remain 'stable' and consistent with what I am doing or expressing myself within -- in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to 'do something' specific or 'consistent' in a particular activity, such as eating food at a restaurant, that will result in me getting a 'reward' which is, for example, dessert.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, depending on the starting-point of getting or achieving a 'reward', how this point of believing that I have to do something specific or 'consistent' that will result in me getting a 'reward' is because of me seeing a 'reward' as something 'separate' from me that I have to 'gain' or 'achieve'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when there is an emotion or a feeling that is attached to getting or achieving a reward, how this is indicative of me believing and perceiving that a reward is 'separate' from me, and that I have to 'do something' specific, consistent, and adequately in order to gain the reward.

I commit myself to -- when desiring dessert at the end of a meal, to instead, eat the dessert before the meal and see how I will react to this change, and write down / investigate my reactions, and which memories they are connected to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something or someone can 'make me feel happy' instead of realizing how this is projecting my own emotions and feelings that I created within myself onto something / someone, and within this, not take responsibility for that particular emotion or feeling that is coming up from within myself.

I realize that this 'looking for happiness' is a point of self-disempowerment -- where I disempower myself in relation to something or someone else by creating an 'emotional dependency' to that person.

I commit myself to ask myself, "Why am I searching for happiness elsewhere when I can simply express myself as 'happiness' in any moment?"

I commit myself to redefine 'happiness' in such a way that 'happiness' is not dependent on a 'feeling' to express it because I realize that when happiness is dependent on a 'feeling' to express it, that I cannot express it all of the time until that particular feeling gets activated within myself through events / situations / circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I believe that something or someone can 'make me feel happy', that this is me projecting my own emotions and feelings that I created within myself onto something / someone else, and thus, giving that emotion or feeling more 'power' and more 'control' over me instead of me taking responsibility for that particular emotion or feeling.

I commit myself to, when and as I have that tendency within myself to see others in a way that I believe that they are making me 'feel' a certain way, I stop, and breathe. I realize that I am projecting my own emotions and feelings that has been created overtime within myself onto that something or someone, and thus, seeing them within a more 'superior' status than me.

I commit myself to slow myself down when I am interacting with others. I realize that when I immediately react to others in a certain way, such as reacting to my name when someone calls me -- that that reaction is based on a slight fear and / or a slight anxiety-response within myself because of the fear of 'disrespecting' and / or 'ignoring' the person that is trying to get my attention.

I realize that when I slow myself down, that I am able to direct myself more effectively when communicating with others so that I do not immediately go into these reactive moments. I realize that when I go into these reactive moments when, for instance my name is being called out, that it is based on a fear of not validating that person within that moment or a fear of disrespecting the person that called my name, and so I realize that when I fear validating another person -- that I fear being validated, and so I commit myself to slow myself down in a way that when my name is being called, for instance, to move in a more 'slow' and 'smooth' fashion at the pace of my breath as a way of correcting the point within myself of the fear of being validated by others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I believe or perceive that something or someone is 'making me feel a certain way' that this is actually an outflow or a 'consequence' of me not taking responsibility for the emotion at hand, and thus, believe that I cannot take responsibility for it, and cannot 'direct' the emotion or feeling myself, and so thus, will blame another -- believing that they are the ones that are causing me to 'feel' a certain way.

I commit myself to change my communication with others -- to not become 'emotionally affected' within myself, and project the way that I feel to others.

I commit myself to stop expecting others to validate me within / through communication.

I commit myself to change my words and behavior in a way that the words that I speak and the behavior that I express is not expressed in such a way to get the other person that I am communicating with to validate me. I see, realize, and understand that this is actually manipulation within the desire to be validated by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my 'level of happiness' on an external 'source' or 'force' that I define as a 'reward' instead of asking myself the question, why does 'happiness' have to be dependent on something or someone else that I see or define as a reward? Wouldn't I be more stable if I simply decided to be happy? That way, I do not have to depend on something or someone else, or an event or situation to trigger a 'happiness experience' within myself.

I see, realize, and understand that when I become 'triggered' by a 'happiness experience' within myself -- that this 'happiness experience' is based on a 'fear experience' within myself where this 'happiness experience' is seen as 'happiness', but is actually an expression of 'relief' from me fearing to not be happy.

I commit myself to investigate my state-of-mind, and emotions to ensure that there is not an 'opposite' negative reaction or experience, such as fear, that is 'fueling' my state-of-mind and emotions because I realize that when my state-of-mind is being fueled by a negative experience within myself -- that what I am actually experiencing -- when I am feeling 'content' or 'happy' is a 'relief' -- which is me 'suppressing' the 'negative' within myself and not 'facing it' head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit happiness within a 'feeling'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'reward principle' within my desire to win within the school spelling be, and not realize how this desire to win is based on the fear of losing the spelling bee competition, and so within this, not realize how this 'happiness experience' that I 'felt' within myself when I received the spelling bee trophy is actually an experience of 'relief' for not 'losing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this, not realize how this experience of 'relief' within myself that I define as 'happiness' is connected to a fear of not being 'noticed', a fear of not being 'validated', a fear of not being seen as 'special', and a fear of having 'lack of intelligence' that I use to create so much of a positive experience towards me receiving a trophy as a reward in the 1995 spelling bee school competition.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I use 'relief' to not take responsibility for my 'states-of-minds' / my emotions and feelings that I defined as 'part of me' which in this case -- are my fears of not being 'noticed', not being 'validated', not being seen as 'special', and not having a sufficient level of 'intelligence' that is seen as 'normal' or 'above average'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my fear of not being noticed, validated, and special comes from me creating an emotion to the memory of my biological father not being present with me as a father when I was a baby, and within this, believe that something was 'wrong' with me because of him not being part of my life.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my desire for K. C. in elementary school is based on the fear of me having a lack of intelligence of which I, within this, created an attraction for K. C. because of my perception of her 'intelligence' within being able to make straight-As in every grade in elementary school, and so within this, not realize how this fear of not being intelligent enough is my desire of seeing myself as an 'equal' to K. C. within the belief that if I make straight-As like her, I will become 'equal' to her, and she will 'like' me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my desire to be 'equal' to others is what I am living out within my desire to be 'normal' like everyone else which I 'express' within my desire to be validated as a 'normal' person, my desire to feel 'special' so that many people will 'like' me, and my desire to be 'normal' within having 'equal intelligence' like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my desire to be 'normal' comes from my fear that I am 'not normal' because of how I developed a 'speech impediment' in kindergarten which I, thus, seen myself as 'different' from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'normal' or 'inferior' to others, and so within this, participate in the Spelling Bee in the 5th grade and believe that if I win, I will be 'equal' to all students in the school.

I will continue in the next blog with more self-forgivenesses.