Stuttering and Communication

Here in this blog, I am writing some self-forgivenesses in relation to a brief communication session that I had with a middle-aged Caucasian man, and the reactions that I became cognizant of within myself during and after communicating with him. This blog may offend some, but understand that the blog is not aimed at anyone in particular, but I am simply directing the points that I personally experienced in this blog to bring clarity to myself and also, I am making commitments that I can live by as self-corrections for myself in relation to the things that emerged in my mind as 'blueprints' of how I will relive the situation / circumstance when I am faced with it again.

So for example, a thought may come up during the reading of the blog that I am prejudiced against people with 'Southern' accents. This thought that emerged can be an opportunity for one to see how one has, within themselves, compared yourself to someone else because what I found out is that every time there is a reaction within me, it is a reference to something in my mind where I am existing within a point of comparison -- where I either compared myself to someone else in a way that I perceive myself as inferior to them or where I compared myself to someone else in a way that I perceive myself as 'superior' than them. So one can, thus, take self-responsibility for the reaction(s) that emerges so that one can gift oneself a point of 'stability' in relation to it -- meaning that one will no longer react when encountering a similar experience that has similar context.

Self-forgiveness is something that I personally utilize for myself to become aware of what I am reacting to -- that I use within writing and speaking, as a way of dropping / releasing my relationship to whatever or whomever I compared myself to so I can then, from that point, be able to properly, and with clarity, commit myself to consistently walk a correction-point to the very thing that I reacted to initially -- meaning that I change my relationship from being 'reactive' to it / them / the circumstance to being the directive-principle the situation which creates a stability to the situation.

To acquire a better understanding of what self-forgiveness is, please feel free to visit my other blog about self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not competent enough when communicating to a middle-aged Caucasian man with a European accent when he asked me the reason for my trip to North Carolina because of my conspicuous speech impediment and 'Southern accent' that I defined as 'crude'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my 'Southern' accent as 'crude'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my speech impediment for me not being competent enough to communicate to others.

I commit myself to accept and allow myself to communicate with people, and assist and support them in expanding their awareness in relation to sharing my knowledge and awareness about something that will support them in living their utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate people with Southern accents as people that are 'less educated'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate people with speech impediments as people that are 'less educated' and mentally incompetent in intellectual, emotional, and / or academic prowess.

I forgive that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am constantly mirroring myself to others in communication, and so me entertaining the belief that I am not competent enough when communicating / interacting with others, is something that I have 'patterned' / 'integrated' within me over the years as a self-judgment "program" that I developed, nurtured, and defined myself as which I project to others, thus, creating a judgement about them existing on the 'opposite' polarity (from how I define myself in relation to them).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all middle-aged Caucasian males are educated because of my perception (that I created in my mind) about middle-aged Caucasian males being the dominant age and race in the 'business sector'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all of my perceptions and judgments of others are me projecting my own perceptions and judgments of myself to others, and so not realize that my perception (that I created in my mind) of Caucasian males being the dominant age and race in the business sector is something that I associated with 'potential', and how I see the potential that is being lived by middle-aged Caucasian males that I, in my mind, perceive as the age and race that are most dominant in the business sector, and that I, in my mind, created a comparison about in relation to me being 'inferior' to middle-aged Caucasian males.

I commit myself to see the potential in me and live that potential in every moment.

I commit myself to see the opportunity that a moment can bring, and live that potential.

I commit myself to ask myself, "How can I live my utmost potential in this moment?"

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand how I can, for example, see in my mind the potential that I associate with middle-aged Caucasian males that I perceive as the age and race that are most dominant in the business sector, and realize that this may or may not be statistically true, but that I can find the word / words that creates my perception to others which is, in this perception of middle-aged Caucasian males being the dominant age and race in the business sector -- is the word 'potential', and how this perception of me in relation to Caucasian males can be used as a constructive comparison to show me where I, in my life, need to develop more of or create within myself as a potential which is, in this case, potential in relation to business. And I commit myself to do what is practially necessary to be done to develop that point into a living reality / expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all people with European accents are more educated than me, and so elicit an experience of a slight sense of intimidation with a slight sense of jealously when hearing people that have European accents speak, and amplify that jealousy when hearing people that have European accents using grandiloquent lingo that I associated with having lavish intelligence and academic prowess.

I see, realize, and understand how I place myself in a box / limit my communication with others when I react to them contingent on something that they impute (attribute) as a 'quality', and so thus, I see, realize, and understand how I lock myself into 'blame' by blaming my stuttering, for example, for being the culprit for my restrained and controlled communication to others.

I see, realize, and understand that I also fear that others will become impatient when I speak stammeringly.

I commit myself to when and as I have an opportunity to communicate, to share myself to others, and realize that through that sharing, I may be sharing / imparting something that will be a gift in relation to that person's life.

Disempowering Self Through Emotions

Here in this blog, I am contining with self-forgiveness in relation to defining myself as a man through women's eyes. You can look at my previous self-forgivenesses in relation to this point here, and you can read the beginning blog that explains this point here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I go into emotional reactions, I am giving a part of myself to that emotional reaction in order for that or those emotional reactions to exist, and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I emotionally react to something or someone, that the information that creates the 'composition' of that emotional reaction is information that I have given my power away to that I 'act out' as a form of 'disempowerment'.

I see, realize, and understand that all forms of emotional reactions have a 'basis' of 'diminishment' where I diminished a part of myself to the particular 'reaction'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to 'emotional reactions'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'attracted' to emotions which precedes me acting out that emotional pattern into a 'reaction'. I see, realize, and understand that to be / become 'attracted' an 'emotion' or a 'feeling', that I first have to define myself 'separate' from it in order for it to exert its 'force' to me which I then, thus, 'respond' to that 'force' in a certain way contingent on it's behavior (as how it 'moves' in my physical body that I 'thus' define as 'anger' or 'sadness').

I commit myself to, instead of emotionally reacting to something or someone, to slow myself down so that I can see the information, which is the 'building block' of that particular emotional reaction, for what it is to be able to 'extract' it, and return the information back to myself from the perspective that I am not an 'effect' of it, but the directive-principle of it.

I see, realize, and understand that 'extracting' information from emotional energy means that I 'introspect what it is that is creating that particular emotional pattern to exist that I 'perpetuate' through emotional reactions.

I see, realize, and understand that when I emotionally react to something or someone -- that it is me perpetuating my belief that I am separate from the 'information' that contributes to what created the particular emotional pattern's composition that I define as 'anger', 'sadness', 'fear', etc.

I see, realize, and understand that the 'information' that creates the composition of an emotional pattern are the thoughts, the memories, the internal dialogue etc. that are expressed through me through physical behavior, and that contributes to the strength and intensity of the emotional reaction and pattern.

I commit myself to 'introspect' (extract) the thoughts, the memories, the internal dialogue (also known as back-chat) that contributes to the strength and the intensity of the emotional reaction.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself creating 'internal dialogue' in relation to perceiving that a female is 'better' than me, and knows the definition of what it means to be a 'real' man, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have to live words through me (such as the word 'man', and what it means to be a 'man'), and I realize that this 'internal dialogue' has an 'essence' of 'giving up' from the perspective of me not wanting to live and express the word 'man' to my utmost potential, but instead, would rather 'live' the word man 'comfortably' through how the agreement of what it means to be a 'man' is currently being 'expressed' through males.

I see, realize, and understand that one dimension as how I define the word 'man' is through 'perfection' -- as having 'superior memory'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can gain the attraction of 'arbitrary' females if I had 'superior' memory.

I see, realize, and understand that the point of wanting / desiring 'superior' memory  in order to please females comes from me trying to 'balance' the belief that I cannot effectively communicate with females because of my speech impediment.

I see, realize, and understand that me wanting to effectively communicate with females comes from a starting-point of wanting to please and 'entice' females through my words, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my words to my words only being used to please and entice females instead of using my words to speak 'truth' and 'substance' in communication.

I commit myself to bring 'substance' in communication -- meaning to 'ground' the communication back to 'reality' and ensure that my words do not activate or perpetuate 'emotions' which are the 'essence' of 'diminishment'.

21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward SF | Day 14

Here in this blog, I am continuing with with 21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Taste as a Reward | Day 13 where I will write some self-forgivenesses in relation to what I wrote within that blog. I realized through writing that blog, how taste is something that I use to maintain a level of contentedness about life because of how I get a pleasurable feeling / sensation from some food items that I see or judge as being 'tasty' which will 'keep me content' (if you will) for several hours until the next meal. So within this blog, I will have a look at this point, and other points.

Writing self-forgivenesses, or speaking them, gives me the opportunity to look at, for instance, where my relationship to, with, and towards food comes from. I realize that it can start from one memory, and that if I do not take responsibility to let that memory go, what happens is I will relive that memory over and over again, and then start to develop emotions and feelings towards that memory and then because I did not stabilize myself in relation to the memory, I then define the memory as 'part of me' which I will live over and over within a particular state-of-mind or 'mood' that is triggered by a particular event or situation because I did not want to let go of the memory that I associated with an event or situation in some form or fashion. And what I mean by 'let go of' is a point of just simply realizing that I am not defined by my 'past', and so what I will do is, instead of reacting, I will just remain 'stable' and consistent with what I am doing or expressing myself within -- in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to 'do something' specific or 'consistent' in a particular activity, such as eating food at a restaurant, that will result in me getting a 'reward' which is, for example, dessert.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, depending on the starting-point of getting or achieving a 'reward', how this point of believing that I have to do something specific or 'consistent' that will result in me getting a 'reward' is because of me seeing a 'reward' as something 'separate' from me that I have to 'gain' or 'achieve'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when there is an emotion or a feeling that is attached to getting or achieving a reward, how this is indicative of me believing and perceiving that a reward is 'separate' from me, and that I have to 'do something' specific, consistent, and adequately in order to gain the reward.

I commit myself to -- when desiring dessert at the end of a meal, to instead, eat the dessert before the meal and see how I will react to this change, and write down / investigate my reactions, and which memories they are connected to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that something or someone can 'make me feel happy' instead of realizing how this is projecting my own emotions and feelings that I created within myself onto something / someone, and within this, not take responsibility for that particular emotion or feeling that is coming up from within myself.

I realize that this 'looking for happiness' is a point of self-disempowerment -- where I disempower myself in relation to something or someone else by creating an 'emotional dependency' to that person.

I commit myself to ask myself, "Why am I searching for happiness elsewhere when I can simply express myself as 'happiness' in any moment?"

I commit myself to redefine 'happiness' in such a way that 'happiness' is not dependent on a 'feeling' to express it because I realize that when happiness is dependent on a 'feeling' to express it, that I cannot express it all of the time until that particular feeling gets activated within myself through events / situations / circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I believe that something or someone can 'make me feel happy', that this is me projecting my own emotions and feelings that I created within myself onto something / someone else, and thus, giving that emotion or feeling more 'power' and more 'control' over me instead of me taking responsibility for that particular emotion or feeling.

I commit myself to, when and as I have that tendency within myself to see others in a way that I believe that they are making me 'feel' a certain way, I stop, and breathe. I realize that I am projecting my own emotions and feelings that has been created overtime within myself onto that something or someone, and thus, seeing them within a more 'superior' status than me.

I commit myself to slow myself down when I am interacting with others. I realize that when I immediately react to others in a certain way, such as reacting to my name when someone calls me -- that that reaction is based on a slight fear and / or a slight anxiety-response within myself because of the fear of 'disrespecting' and / or 'ignoring' the person that is trying to get my attention.

I realize that when I slow myself down, that I am able to direct myself more effectively when communicating with others so that I do not immediately go into these reactive moments. I realize that when I go into these reactive moments when, for instance my name is being called out, that it is based on a fear of not validating that person within that moment or a fear of disrespecting the person that called my name, and so I realize that when I fear validating another person -- that I fear being validated, and so I commit myself to slow myself down in a way that when my name is being called, for instance, to move in a more 'slow' and 'smooth' fashion at the pace of my breath as a way of correcting the point within myself of the fear of being validated by others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I believe or perceive that something or someone is 'making me feel a certain way' that this is actually an outflow or a 'consequence' of me not taking responsibility for the emotion at hand, and thus, believe that I cannot take responsibility for it, and cannot 'direct' the emotion or feeling myself, and so thus, will blame another -- believing that they are the ones that are causing me to 'feel' a certain way.

I commit myself to change my communication with others -- to not become 'emotionally affected' within myself, and project the way that I feel to others.

I commit myself to stop expecting others to validate me within / through communication.

I commit myself to change my words and behavior in a way that the words that I speak and the behavior that I express is not expressed in such a way to get the other person that I am communicating with to validate me. I see, realize, and understand that this is actually manipulation within the desire to be validated by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my 'level of happiness' on an external 'source' or 'force' that I define as a 'reward' instead of asking myself the question, why does 'happiness' have to be dependent on something or someone else that I see or define as a reward? Wouldn't I be more stable if I simply decided to be happy? That way, I do not have to depend on something or someone else, or an event or situation to trigger a 'happiness experience' within myself.

I see, realize, and understand that when I become 'triggered' by a 'happiness experience' within myself -- that this 'happiness experience' is based on a 'fear experience' within myself where this 'happiness experience' is seen as 'happiness', but is actually an expression of 'relief' from me fearing to not be happy.

I commit myself to investigate my state-of-mind, and emotions to ensure that there is not an 'opposite' negative reaction or experience, such as fear, that is 'fueling' my state-of-mind and emotions because I realize that when my state-of-mind is being fueled by a negative experience within myself -- that what I am actually experiencing -- when I am feeling 'content' or 'happy' is a 'relief' -- which is me 'suppressing' the 'negative' within myself and not 'facing it' head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit happiness within a 'feeling'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'reward principle' within my desire to win within the school spelling be, and not realize how this desire to win is based on the fear of losing the spelling bee competition, and so within this, not realize how this 'happiness experience' that I 'felt' within myself when I received the spelling bee trophy is actually an experience of 'relief' for not 'losing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this, not realize how this experience of 'relief' within myself that I define as 'happiness' is connected to a fear of not being 'noticed', a fear of not being 'validated', a fear of not being seen as 'special', and a fear of having 'lack of intelligence' that I use to create so much of a positive experience towards me receiving a trophy as a reward in the 1995 spelling bee school competition.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I use 'relief' to not take responsibility for my 'states-of-minds' / my emotions and feelings that I defined as 'part of me' which in this case -- are my fears of not being 'noticed', not being 'validated', not being seen as 'special', and not having a sufficient level of 'intelligence' that is seen as 'normal' or 'above average'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my fear of not being noticed, validated, and special comes from me creating an emotion to the memory of my biological father not being present with me as a father when I was a baby, and within this, believe that something was 'wrong' with me because of him not being part of my life.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my desire for K. C. in elementary school is based on the fear of me having a lack of intelligence of which I, within this, created an attraction for K. C. because of my perception of her 'intelligence' within being able to make straight-As in every grade in elementary school, and so within this, not realize how this fear of not being intelligent enough is my desire of seeing myself as an 'equal' to K. C. within the belief that if I make straight-As like her, I will become 'equal' to her, and she will 'like' me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my desire to be 'equal' to others is what I am living out within my desire to be 'normal' like everyone else which I 'express' within my desire to be validated as a 'normal' person, my desire to feel 'special' so that many people will 'like' me, and my desire to be 'normal' within having 'equal intelligence' like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my desire to be 'normal' comes from my fear that I am 'not normal' because of how I developed a 'speech impediment' in kindergarten which I, thus, seen myself as 'different' from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'normal' or 'inferior' to others, and so within this, participate in the Spelling Bee in the 5th grade and believe that if I win, I will be 'equal' to all students in the school.

I will continue in the next blog with more self-forgivenesses.