The Word 'Bitch'

Here in this blog, I'd like to talk about my experience with my tics. My tics have developed over time into several different movement tics and vocal tics. One of the new vocal tics is the word 'bitch'. I realize how the word 'bitch' is one word within the human language that has been categorized as 'offensive'. When I think about the word 'bitch', I see it as a word that, when it is spoken, it is spoken by someone with confidence. So to me, the word 'bitch' represents confidence.

When vocalizing the vocal tic 'bitch', there is no emotional and feeling behavior attached to it, and since there is no emotional and feeling behavior that is present when vocalizing it, I connect me vocalizing the tic 'bitch' to 'confidence'. But when I speak the word 'bitch' directly, then there is a slight resistance to speak it because of perceiving it as a 'bad' word.

So here, I'd like to write some self-forgiveness statements for defining the word 'bitch' as a bad word, and also for fearing to vocalize it because of how the word 'bitch' represents a 'bad' word. Self-forgiveness, for me, allows me to gift myself, through writing, the opportunity to look back at my experiences, and release any judgments that I placed on words, and any fears that I hold onto within myself. Within releasing my judgments and fears, I am able to more clearly see my starting-point (which is the reason) as to why I see the word 'bitch' as a bad word, and my starting-point as to why I fear expressing confidence in certain moments. So here we start with some self-forgivenesses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word 'bitch' as a 'bad' word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that I am 'separate' from confidence, and so within this, when I vocalize the tic 'bitch' believe that the vocalization of it is 'giving' me confidence instead of realizing that to 'be' or 'have' confidence is a self-decision -- not a decision coming from elsewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more that I vocalize the tic 'bitch', the more 'confident' I will become of being able to communicate with others without fear or resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a 'personality' or a 'behavior' of 'confidence' to my tics, and to other people that speak the word 'bitch' (believing that they are confident in every aspect of their lives because they speak the word bitch), and so thus, see my tics and other people that speak the word 'bitch' as 'more superior' than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word 'confidence' to my tics through believing that because there is no emotional and feeling behavior present when I tic -- see each movement or vocal tic as a representation of 'confidence' instead of realizing that when I project 'confidence' to something or someone else from a starting-point of seeing that something or someone else as 'superior', how that projection of confidence is based on a 'feeling' within myself that is generated by the belief that I am 'separate' from confidence.

And so thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can never actually 'express' confidence until I give up own self-judgment of myself as having 'no' confidence of which I, from within this self-judgment, will see others as 'confident', and desire to have my perception of other's level of 'confidence'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the one that is creating my perception of others as 'confident' when I perceive others as being 'more superior' than me in the area of confidence, and that I am the one that is creating my desire to have their level of confidence within myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to correct myself (or refuse / resist correcting myself), from the perspective of investigating the origin / the source of what it is within myself, my memories, my emotions, etc., that I am holding on to of which I am keeping myself in the belief that I have 'no confidence', and so within this not realize how I am existing in a 'personality' or a 'behavior' of having 'no confidence' that is coming from my relationship to memories and emotions that I have not looked at / investigated or resisted to look at / investigate within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to my father, and so within this, see my father as 'superior', and because my biological father was was not present with me in my younger ages, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy / duplicate my mom's behavior which I interpreted as 'submissive', and so within this, create a 'personality' within my life of believing that I am 'inferior' to others.

I realize that the word 'bitch' is a word that has been giving a negative connotation to it because of my experience of how this word makes others feel 'inferior'.

I realize that when I react to how the word 'bitch' makes others feel 'inferior' -- that I am also defined by this fear of inferiority within myself which I will, thus, desire to be validated within my life through desiring others to tell me how 'smart' I am or how 'confident' I am or how 'special' I am.

I realize that when I fear that others are being 'invalidated' by my words that I speak or behaviors that I express through movements, that it is because I fear being invalidated by them through their reactions towards me, and so will constantly validate others in my life by telling them how 'smart' they are or how 'confident' they are or how 'special' or 'beautiful' they are.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of being invalidated by others because the more that I fear being invalidated by others the more that I am not able to take self-responsibility to direct the communication in a way that is best. Because if I allow the communication to direct me through emotions and feelings, I will use those same emotional and feeling reactions in other situations / events / circumstances and will, thus, create a 'domino effect' where other people will begin copying and duplicating my own reactions.

And so I commit myself to develop self-honesty within myself through realizing that I do not need to be validated by others because the more that I look for validation through others, the more that I will look for that 'confidence' through others instead of expressing that confidence within myself. I realize that confidence comes from an expression where the need for validation no longer is necessary, and so I commit myself to be self-honest by speaking and communicating with others in such a way that I am no longer looking for validation, and am no longer validating the other person / people that I am communicating with by trying to please them through words and gifts.