Here in this blog, I want to look at how I, before I developed a tic disorder, used the word 'hey' in my life because, for me, if I am not standing 'equal' to the word 'hey', then the way that I use the word 'hey' will be used from a starting-point of self-diminishment -- meaning that I am using the word 'hey' to get something out of speaking / expressing the word 'hey' to others -- such as 'attention' or a 'positive feeling', and within that, if I allow that to be my starting-point for saying the word 'hey' to others, then that becomes my definition, and so thus, my 'standing' as who I really am as 'stability' and 'empowerment' gets 'suppressed' within myself, and what thus, takes the 'forefront' is self-victimization -- in relation to being a 'victim' to the words that I communicate to others, and how I perceive myself to be within that communication.
I realize that the way that I communicate to others with how I define words and express and speak those words is actually, in-fact, how I see myself when communicating to others, and so am actually expressing myself either from a stand-point of being a 'victim' to words within allowing my words that I speak to define me, or from a stand-point of being the 'creator' and 'author' of what I speak. I realize that in order to be the creator and author of what I speak, that I cannot stand in a position to where I am 'influenced' by my words or another's words. I realize that, as the creator and the author of what I speak -- that I have to stand in a position of 'stability' because if I am not standing in a position of 'stability', I am rather, standing in a position of instability -- which is where self-victimization comes into play.
So getting back to the word 'hey', the primary point that comes to mind in relation to the word 'hey' is me wanting attention from others in order to receive 'validation' from them; so I would speak the word 'hey' which, thus, would create a reaction from their end that would trigger them to look at me in a slight anxiety. Another thing that comes to mind is when I see other individuals communicating about something of which I would, thus, break into their flow of conversation by being a part of it so I can feel as though I 'belong' instead of feeling 'separate' from the individuals that are communicating with each other. I see, realize, and understand how this is also related to using the word 'Hey!' -- as a way of getting / gaining validation from the person that I am wanting attention from.
So a general mind-pattern for this would be me saying within my mind, "I want your attention, so I will have to say 'Hey!' so you can hear me and give me validation".
So in the next blog, I would like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to this. Self-forgivness is a way for me to release myself from self-victimhood by investigating my relationship to the words that I speak. In this case, it would be investigating why I desire attention in the first place. And then from me investgating the point of why I desire attention from others, I can thus, forgive myself -- for accepting and allowing myself to be a victim to what I speak because I realize that I am the one that is, on some level, deciding to be a victim to that which I speak. So I can, thus, in-fact see the bullshit that I put myself through, and thus, be the 'bull' that breaks through self-victimhood into self-empowerment.
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