When I was young, I used to listen to gospel music over my grandmother's house. This brought about an 'experience' of being 'safe' from the perspective that I do not have to take responsibility for many things in my life, because I believed that I had all that I needed when I went over my grandmother's house. I saw my grandmother as a 'giver' and 'rock' (which is figurative for someone who is strong, stable and dependable) because I was 'young' and felt 'insecure' about myself, and feared experiencing the 'reality' of life. I didn't realize this when I was young though, but when I look back now, I can see that these were the points that I was participating in, and so the gospel music that was continuously playing on the radio over my grandmother's house made me feel 'safe' and 'secure' because, for one, she used to listen to it all of the time, and so I slowly associated the gospel music to my grandmother to the extent that the music became a 'reminder' of my grandmother, and my 'experience' of her.
But when I look back at my life now, I realize that the memories that I had of my grandmother, and my 'experience' to these memories is that which I created a 'value' to, and so within this 'value' I only see, recognize, and react to the feelings that emerge when I am thinking of my grandmother, but do not consider what it is, in-fact, that created the way that I experience and react to these memories that creates my 'experience' of my grandmother.
When I start to open up WHY -- in relation to why I experience my grandmother the way that I do, which is experiencing her as being a 'giver' and a 'rock', I realize that it is because I feared NOT being freely given the things that my grandmother gave me, for example, the food that she cooked me. And I feared being / becoming 'insecure' (which is not having a secure guardian or someone that can watch over me and provide me with physical, mental, and emotional needs). So here in this blog, I'd like to write some self-forgivenesses. You can read my blog about my experience with self-forgivenesses here. The reason for this self-forgiveness is based on me only looking at things from one angle / from one perspective which is the perspective that I LIKE to look at or experience, and so thus, keeping myself ONLY within that perpsective which FEELS good to me. This is something that I have naturally, and without awareness, done in my life in order to KEEP ME from seeing the 'whole' of the matter, or at least other dimensions that MAKE UP the experience as a whole as the REASON WHY I am experiencing something in the WAY that I am experiencing it: such as my experience to my grandmother. So when and as as I start to LOOK AT the entire point, or more perspective that makes up the reason of why I am experiencing something or someone the way that I experience them, I realize that there are a lot of fears, self-judgments, and insecurities about myself -- all of that 'negative' stuff that I do not want to look at that makes up a POSITIVE experience. And so because the POSITIVE experiences FEEL GOOD, I ignore the negative. I ignore what is REAL.... what is RIGHT HERE that I DO NOT want to face in real-time. So here I would like to write some self-forgivenesses in relation to looking at the negatives that makes up a dimension of my 'attraction' to Gospel music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the world 'out there', and so 'hide' behind my 'grandmother', and within that hiding, hide behind POSITIVE EXPERIENCES that I created within myself and connected to my grandmother so that I do not have to face the world 'out there'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I create and contribute to the CONSEQUENTIAL OUTFLOWS that exist in this world in relation to fearing to face the world 'out there' by creating something within my my that I 'think about' on a daily bases that I use to 'pre-occupy' my mind such as creating a God (in my mind) that becomes my 'giver', my 'foundation', and my 'rock' (which is figurative for someone who is strong, stable and dependable) that I can 'depend' on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my grandmother's physical body by attaching emotions and feelings to her that I created from memories and experiences ABOUT my grandmother, and not see, realize, understand, and investigate within myself -- the reason for not OPENING UP these emotions and feelings so that I can understand them and face them to be able to stand in front of my grandmother in INNOCENCE and HUMILITY.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am creating memories and experiences ABOUT my grandmother, I am not effectively HERE, PRESENT, and ACCOUNTED FOR -- with my grandmother in physical reality because I am somewhere IN MY MIND.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be HUMBLE to / towards another is me actually being in a position to / towards another in such a way that I am CLEAR, and that there are no MEMORIES or EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES that I am using to INFLATE my relationship to others in my world / reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide BEHIND negative experiences by putting up a FRONT of POSITIVE EXPERIENCES so that I do not have to face 'negative' experiences that I created within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for everything that I FEEL within me, and not realize that if I am EXPERIENCING what I FEEL within me -- I cannot effectively and practically consider CORRECTION because I am PARTICIPATING instead of DIRECTING and STOPPING.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it's not about STOPPING emotions and feelings, but it is about understanding them so that I can understand why it is that I keep going into emotional and feeling reactions.
And so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that STOPPING means to stop my participation in emotional and feeling reactions so that I can understand why I keep going into emotional and feeling reactions when it comes to family, friends, and relationships.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to just STOP participating in emotional and feeling reactions without understanding them is SUPPRESSION which is GIVING IN to them by INHIBITING them because when and as I SUPPRESS, I am still accepting and allowing myself to be defined by that very emotional or feeling reaction that I am suppressing.
I commit myself to stop suppressing my emotional and feeling reactions, but to instead, understand them.... understand the fears that I am running away from so that I can get to KNOW ME, and within that knowledge, be able to REDEFINE my relationship to that which I am reacting to so that I no longer have to REACT, but that I can CREATE myself in a new way that is 'best' for me, and 'best' for all -- that will support the GROWTH and EFFECTIVENESS of those that I interact with.
I commit myself to when I look at memories, look at them in INNOCENCE by not reacting to them because when and as I react to memories, I am not seeing the memory for what it is. I am, instead, participating in a REACTION, and so thus, seeing ONLY the REACTION, and not a SOLUTION.