31 May 2015

Touching as a Weakness

Here in this blog, I am opening the point of how I, in my life integrated myself within the personality / behavior / expression of being stoic to such an extent that I perceive the element of 'touch' as an act of weakness due to me associating a 'feeling' to the act of touch which is the feeling of 'enjoyment' and 'delightfulness', and reacting to that / those 'feelings'.

I realize that within the very point of reacting negatively to 'touch', when being 'touched' by another, such as a relationship partner, that my stoic expression is not genuine, but is rather, based on me suppressing myself around others, and 'resisting' touch instead of 'embracing' it. When I embrace touch, it simply means to accept and allow myself to experience the psychological and physiological emergences and changes that happen in that moment such as changes in physical pressure, temperature, physical arousal, and changes in mental processes such as the emerging of particular thoughts and the emerging of emotional responses that are defined as, for example, 'desire' or 'resistance'.

So to accept and allow myself to embrace 'touch' essentially means that I do not react positively or negatively when being touched because once I 'react', then I become submissive to that 'reaction', which is essentially, me creating a 'relationship' to touch which means that I will define 'touch' based on how I 'feel' in the moment of being touched, and will create a 'value' to being touched. And because I created a 'value' to it, I will react to positively or negatively to the 'experience' of touch because of me creating a 'value' to the particular thoughts and emotions that emerge in that moment of touch which I will then, thus, begin judging the person that's touching me which will lead to an experience of 'attraction' or 'resistance' to them.

So, for instance, lets say that someone gently / non-sexually touched me, and within that moment of them touching me, there were particular thoughts, memories, and also imaginations that arose where I, for instance, imagined the person in my mind touching me which all contributed to a particular feeling of 'delightfulness'. Because I reacted to the feeling of delightfulness, I created, in that moment, a particular pattern within me that I will 'act out' over and over again in similar situations, and will essentially and subconsciously want / desire to act out that experience over and over again. Thus, I will begin assessing other people and experiences that I believe can 'match' that / those patterns that I placed within myself as a form of a 'reaction' to particular memories in the past so I can fulfill my desire for that experience of 'delightfulness' once again.

In my case, it is more of resisting certain people that touch me because of how I patterned myself, over-time, of creating a positive relationship to being alone because of believing that when someone touches me, they are 'taking away' my past. Also, another point of resisting certain people that touch me is when that person doesn't 'match' the physical appearance in my mind of the particular memories and imaginations in relation to a person that I may have had an 'attraction' to in the past, or even to a person that is not real but that I simply imagined over and over again to the point that the imagination has become somewhat influential. But this point is multi-dimensional in and of itself.

So I realize that becoming attracted to or resisting touch is resultant of my relationship to my own thoughts and emotions within myself that I have developed over-time, and it is that 'relationship' that has become my 'definition' in relation to how I 'relate' to certain people. And it is that 'relationship' that is, in-fact, my overall 'reaction' to others that have become a definition of how I 'respond' to others. And it is within 'touch' that I am able to really become aware of these 'responses' / reactions, and change them to no longer be diminished to them.

So in the next blog, I will continue with this point with some self-forgivenesses.

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