24 December 2014

Friction Within Self-Forgiveness SF

On December 22nd 2014, I made a self-forgiveness statement where I wrote how I limit myself by reacting to arbitrary emotional and psychological changes that take place inside of me when I speak or write self-forgivenesses. These emotional and psychological changes would be, for instance, an experience of resistance, and all of the thoughts that contribute to the resistance such as, "I don't want to do self-forgiveness right now.".... "Self-forgiveness seems too dogmatic to me." And so I realized that the moment that these changes happen, it's like for example: take two battleships, and imagine these battleships crashing into each other. It would be the same as what happens in my mind. Before self-forgiveness, I am already existing in a certain mood or experience such as a calmness experience. And all of a sudden, I am presented with self-forgiveness and what happens? There is this tightness experience that emerges in my stomach area. It would be similar to the butterflies in the stomach experience, but instead of the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach, it would feel like a tightness. So with this tightness experience that emerges, what happens is that my mood changes because this tightness experience does not align with the calmness experience that I was already existing in initially. And so then I become aggravated because it was a sudden change in experience that emerged. So this point would be what I call a friction which is a state of conflict between two opposing moods / experiences.

The thing is though is that in order for this friction to take place, I have to already be diminished or inhibited to an experience, or a state-of-mind, such as the 'experience' / state-of-mind of 'calmness' -- meaning that I allowed the state-of-mind that I define as 'calmness' to direct me -- meaning that I give it the authority to influence and affect me. And so because I became affected by it, then I became affected by the 'resistance' to do self-forgiveness which became the experience that conflicted with the experience of calmness.

Now the question is, what is wrong with this experience of calmness? I realize that it's not about the 'rightness' or 'wrongness' of it, but it's more about who I am within the experience (or any experience for that matter). I realize that because I 'reacted' to the resistance that came up from within myself -- that the calmness experience was actually a 'controlled' experience that 'feels good' because what I unconsciously created within myself 'under' this 'calmness experience' (if you will) is a 'pushing away' of 'negativity' or negative experiences such as the experience of resistance, and so this experience of 'calmness' and 'stability' is 'controlled', and so thus, an 'illusion' to where everything that I define as 'negative' is filtered out, and what is left is the 'good', 'positive' feelings. It's actually a point of fear. So everytime that I am faced with negativity then..... what happens is that I react to it instead of understanding it, embracing it, and seeing how I can grow from these so-called 'negative' experiences that emerge within me. And so in this blog, I will continue with the self-forgivenesses in relation to stepping out of my programming using self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how me reacting to conflicting experiences and emotions are keys to unlock and expand my awareness to be able to become aware of deeper levels of experiences and behaviors that I adopt that I did not initally see because of me participating in a particular experience, and not being aware of my own responses and reactions in relation to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to conflicting experiences and emotions that emerge, and remain in (emotional) reactions, and not realize that me lingering in reactions contribute to me disempowering myself to those particular reactions, and so thus, allowing the reactions to mold and shape me instead of me molding and shaping myself to be able to give 'direction' to the moment and to experiences / situations that emerge.

I commit myself to use (emotional) reactions as 'keys' to unlock and expand my awareness to be able to become aware of deeper levels of experiences and behaviors that I adopt that I didn't know that I adopted, but not to use the point reacting as an excuse or justification that makes reactions 'OK' to express from the perpsective of seeing reactions as a point of support that is NECESSARY. I see, realize, and understand that I am here, and that I can always assess a moment, assess a memory, assess an experience to have a look at who I am in relation to that moment, or to that memory, or to that 'experience', but do not need to WAIT on a reaction to 'assess' myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by 'acting out' emotional reactions through my words and my behavior: believing that because the particular reaction comes with an experience that is 'intense' -- that it must be ME, and so has to be outwardly expressed because of the intensity of it instead of realizing that the greater the intensity that an experience is -- the more I have to understand my relationship to the particular emotional reaction, and why I have given so much of myself to the particular emotional reaction.

I see, realize, and understand that when I linger in an emotional reaction, that it is a point of giving up an 'opportunity' to realize my potential in that moment. I see, realize, and understand that when and as I make the decision to no longer react to something or someone in my mind, but to instead, move myself out of the point or the reaction to see it for what it is, that this is ME in the moment directing ME, and actually contributing to, and creating what it means to actually express myself for real.

I commit myself to gift myself back to myself, and to stop giving emotional reactions and the internal conflicts that emerge within myself power over me by realizing that I am the POWER, and that self-empowerment is birthed through making the decision in each and every moment that I have the tendency to want to yell, or scream, or react, or raise my voice in anger or frustration, or stress -- to just stop, and breathe, and really see the situation for what it is, and how the situation can be a point of support rather than a point to blame.

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