When I was getting some lunch today (October 12th 2014), there was a person that I saw in the particular restaurant that I went to. I immediately connected their black eyeliner to the emotion of 'depression' because of how I associate goths and emos in my life to them being 'depressed' because of the excessive amount of black that they wear. So here in this blog, I'd like to write some self-forgiveness in relation to this point. You can have a look at my self-forgiveness blog here to gain more perspective on what self-forgiveness is, and my relationship to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a 'relationship' to emotions and reactions so much to the extent that I define emotions as 'life', and believe that people who are 'emotional' are 'more alive' than people who are 'less emotional' instead of realizing that I have given 'my life' away to emotions and emotional reactions that I participate in without directing them and stabilizing myself in relation to what emerges within myself (within my mind) in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the color 'black' to the emotion that I define as 'depression' instead of realizing that this association to the color 'black' being connected to the emotion of 'depression' is me agreeing with how the 'outside world' / society / other humans -- see the color black in relation to the emotion of depression, and within this, not realize that I am conforming, molding, and shaping myself into an 'image' of how I believe I should be defined contingent on my idea and perception of how I see others in the world / society define what and how a human should be, behave, and express as a human in the world / society.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base and limit my existence and definition as a 'human' contingent on the emotional reactions and behaviors of others in society, and not realize that I can never 'live' and 'express' myself to my utmost potential if I am constantly, and with unawareness, aligning myself to the behaviors and reactions of others in society / the world.
I see, realize, and understand that when I become 'emotional' about something or 'react to' something or someone, that this is how I am constantly, and with unawareness, aligning myself to my idea and perception of how I believe society defines a human as -- contingent on how I see and judge other's reactions and responses to others in the world / society.
I see, realize, and understand that if I do not take self-responsibility for my reactions -- that I will participate in them, and keep myself 'locked' into self-diminishment, and self-disempowerment, and will keep myself 'locked' into how my idea and perception of a human has been defined as according to others / society because I will be simply be 'duplicating' the reactions of others instead of stepping back, having a look at, and understanding the reactions, as a way of stabilizing myself in relation to the others / the 'outside' world.
I commit myself to, instead of going into emotional reactions about things, to stop and breathe. I commit myself to have a look at, and understand the reaction. I commit msyelf to 'embrace' the reaction by letting the reaction 'move' through me, but not become it (act it out) because I see, realize, and understand that if I 'become' it (and act it out), then I become disempowered by it, and so thus, my 'awareness', and my directive-principle will be suppressed, and I will be directed by the reaction instead of myself, and will be directed to 'act out' the reaction rather than me stabilizing myself in relation to the reactions that emerge.