The 'Perfect Son' Personality

In the previous blog, I mentioned that one of the qualities that I saw in one of my relatives that I grew up with is 'common sense' because of me not having a biological father physically present with me in my life. And so what I was looking for is something to define me as a worthy-enough son to a father-figure role within my life. Since my biological father was not physically present with me in my early years, I looked for attributes that I can define myself within that I can 'perfect' within myself so that I can be that 'perfect' or 'worthy' son to a father-figure role. One of these attributes was 'common sense'. The common sense point came from me seeing one of my relatives as a father-figure. Because I saw him as a father-figure, I valued the words that he spoke, and I believed that because he informed me that I did not have common sense, I believed that I did not have common sense, and so that became one of the words that I made an attempt to 'perfect' within my life so that I can become the 'image' of a 'worthy' or 'perfect' son.

Here in this blog, I will write some self-forgiveness statements for accepting and allowing myself to 'perfect' myself to be / become the 'image' as a 'perfect' son instead of realizing how this attempt to become the 'perfect' son is based on me becoming the 'perfect son' personality, which is dependent on other people's opinions of myself, and therefore, not a real self-expression, but rather an 'expression' that is dependent on other people's opinions of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the opinions of others within my life, and to try to perfect myself based on those opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an opinion of myself as being 'inferior' because of the changes in my skin from a lighter color (as a newborn) to a darker color (when I was two years old), and so within that, accept and allow 'opinion' to be / become the 'dictator' of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to 'perfect' myself because of the changes in my skin color from a lighter color to a darker color based on an imagination where I imagined me in a 'past life' having fair skin. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life, intellect, health, strength, etc. was 'more superior' than the life, intellect, health, and strength in this lifetime, and so within this lifetime, seek and search for 'perfection' through relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how opinions can be based on 'competition' contingent on how an individual define themselves within and through words dependent on what they saw or experienced within their life, thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how trusting in other's opinions is a 'blind trust' -- not realizing that when I trust the opinions of others, that I am aligning myself to all of that individual's reactions and experiences within their life that lead them to form that particular opinion about something or someone.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on other people's reactions and experiences that lead them to form a particular opinion about me that I reacted to -- because of the belief that in order to be successful in this life, that I have to cross-reference the lives, experiences, and reactions of others to be / become effective in this world instead of realizing that to be / become 'effective' within life cannot be based on emotional and feeling behavior within comparing my life to another's life, experiences, and reactions, but that to properly cross-reference my life to another's life is, rather, based on how effective one has lived 'solutions' within their life that has been tested by others as a 'stable' solution, and thus, can be passed on to others as a solution that is 'best' for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and create 'values' to other individuals in my world / reality and not realize how that particular 'value' is based on me believing and perceiving that I do not have enough of something within myself -- such as 'common sense' (in this case).

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and search for 'validation' through others by trying to 'get enough of' what I believe I don't have 'enough of' which, in this case is 'common sense', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to have 'common sense' -- that I have to 'copy' what others do, how others think, how others react, etc. in order to have 'sufficient' common sense so that I can be pleased by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'common sense' as having that 'common sense' that most / all individuals have within this world -- as being able to make decisions about something in the most effective manner without any difficulty.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to have 'common sense' is also based on the 'fear' of not being 'normal' because of the fact of how having 'common sense' is 'common', and thus, 'normal'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect having 'common sense' to having 'intelligence', and so believe that I am not 'intelligent' enough if I do not have 'common sense'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being 'intelligent' for fear that K.C. (who was an elementary school schoolmate, and who I deemed as having 'more intelligence' than me) will never accept me due to my perceived 'lack of' intelligence compared to hers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my life, believe that if I can 'increase' my intelligence -- then I can have 'common sense', and within this, believe that if I have 'common sense', that the relative that I defined as a 'father figure' will accept me 'more'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'intellectually slow' when it comes to 'common sense', and so within that, try to perfect myself in the area of 'intellect' (which is the same as having 'book sense') so that I can 'feel equal' to everyone else that I defined as being 'better than' me in the area of 'common sense'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot ever have 'common sense', and so use 'intellect' / 'book sense' as an 'alternative' to 'common sense' and attempt to make myself 'more intelligent' so that I can feel 'equal' to or 'superior' than people who I believe have more 'common sense' than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'equality' within 'competition' -- from the perspective of 'equality' being defined as having 'equal' common sense to most / everyone within this world instead of realizing how this particular 'sense' of equality exists through self-judgment where I judged myself as 'inferior' to people that I perceive as having 'more' common sense, and so from this starting-point of how 'equality' is being defined, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be 'equal' to others from a starting-point of 'inferiority' instead of realizing that to develop 'equality' within 'inferiority' is actually me still being dependent on others' opinion of me of which I, within that, will 'change' to fit other people's opinions of mine, and so therefore, not realize how this sense of 'equality' is based on 'opinion' and not from within a principle of what is 'best for all'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what is 'best for all' exceeds the individual opinion of others, thus, what is 'best for all' means that individual opinion will have to be placed aside in order to provide or give solutions that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why the 'common sense' within this world has not created a world that is 'best for all' where everyone has the sufficient funds to effectively live in this world and not have to worry about having their basic needs met: such as food, water, and shelter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a 'father' in such a way that in order for a 'father' to accept me -- that I have to 'be' a certain way, and so thus within my life since my father wasn't physically present with me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and search for other males that I defined as a 'father figure', and within that, try to 'perfect' how I believe they see me as so that I can 'please' them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be pleased by others. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a 'son' as an individual that is there to 'please' the father.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the desire to please another is the desire to be / become 'valuable' to that individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'value' within relationships and not realize that to exist within a starting-point of wanting to be 'valuable' to another within relationships is, in-fact, a manipulation tactic because of the relationship being based on trying to get or gain something within oneself in order to please the other instead of realizing the fear behind this, which is the fear of not wanting to show that part of self to another that is being 'covered up' or 'hidden' and replaced with an attribute, such as a change in behavior, that one, thus, sees as a 'valuable' quality to entice others with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I manipulate others when I try to 'please' them because of how emotions and feelings, and the intensity thereof -- of emotions and feelings, are used as the 'basis' of how the other will see me as in relation to them. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in emotional and feeling behavior because of the intensity of how emotions and feelings affect me physically, and so within that, trust in the 'feeling' of 'pleasing others', and within that 'trust' not see, realize, understand, and investigate the fear behind the desire and need to 'please' others because of me being 'lost' in the 'feeling' thereof -- of the desire to please others instead of being stable and grounded 'here' within physical reality.

In the next blog, we will continue with some commitment statements.