21-Day Mind Investigation on Sugar: Yogurt Samples | Day 3

I realize how when I go to the yogurt shop with my wife, sometimes I do not want to buy any yogurt so I get yogurt samples. When you enter the yogurt shop, the clerk asks if you want some yogurt samples, and so if you say 'yes', the clerk will give you three small cups. Sometimes though, I do not use all three cups. Sometimes I only want one cup, but I use all three cups anyway so that I won't waste them. So there are two points here that I can look at:

1) Not telling the clerk at the register that I only want one cup because of the fear of the clerk getting stressed-out or overwhelmed if I tell her. I realize that, within this, it then becomes a point of pleasing them instead of directing the situation.

2) Using all of the yogurt sample cups even though I do not want to use all of them. I realize that since I see yogurt as a dessert that has a pleasureful taste, my justification is that I'm using all of the sample cups instead of wasting them.

So looking at these two points, I'd like to write some self-forgiveness statements.

Self-forgiveness, for me, allows me to gift myself, through writing, the opportunity to look back at my experiences, and release any emotional reactions that I have in relation to pleasure and pleasing others, and within releasing my emotional reactions, I am able to more clearly see my relationship to how I use foods for pleasure, and how I use communication to please others instead of directing myself within communication.

First, I want to start off with some self-forgiveness statements regarding how I use foods for pleasure:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being depressed, and so use foods for 'pleasure' so that I can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only get 'happiness' through external stimuli such as through foods such as sweets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive being 'depressed' as not having enough pleasure or enough excitement within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I created this relationship of 'depression' within myself at an early age when my parents closed their room door to take a nap.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this experience of when my parents closed their room door to take a nap to 'depression' because of how I connected 'pleasure' and 'excitement' to my mom cooking, for instance, and my step-father playing the video game which I perceived the participation in these activities as being 'alive' and 'living', and so within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I connected these experiences (of my mom cooking and my step-dad playing the video game when we were living together) to everyone else within the yogurt shop eating yogurt and communicating with each other, and so desire to be a part of that 'excitement' by eating yogurt which I connected within my mind to the word 'family', 'excitement', 'energy', 'life', 'living', etc.

I see, realize, and understand that my surroundings and the people in it can 'influence' the way that I 'experience' taste, and so I commit myself to have a look at the memories and words that I connected to food, and within this, I realize that because I connected particular memories and words to how I experience the different tastes in different foods, that I exist as a 'reaction' to these memories rather than the director and the initiator. Thus, I commit myself to look at these particular memories that I connected to particular food items and see how I can, in-fact, direct myself within physical reality by providing solutions to the memories that can be lived practically as a way of redefining my relationship to memories because I realize that to provide solutions to the memories, I can project those solutions within the present time, and live those solutions in real time because I realize that I have used memories over and over again within my life by reacting to memories rather than providing solutions for myself within my life where I become constant, stable and unwavered in my expression as an individual.

Now, I will write some self-forgiveness statements regarding my point of not communicating a point across -- for fear of creating 'stress' within another individual:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing other individuals stressed-out within my life, and so within this, not communicate the point to the clerk at the yogurt shop that I only want one sample cup to sample some yogurt with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the amount of people at the yogurt shop to the word 'stress', and believe that the clerk has their method of doing things to keep themselves 'stress free' as possible, and so within this, believe that if I communicate the point of me wanting only one yogurt sample cup, that it will 'mess up' their method of what they are doing to remain as stress-free as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this event / situation / circumstance to the memory of me and my brother playing the video game together, and how he always wanted the first-player controller. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge this point within asking him why he wants the first-player controller all of the time, and how I can assist and support him to see what it is within himself that is creating the resistance of using a second-player controller.

And so because I wanted to just play the video game with him, I avoided challenging this point so that we can remain stress-free while playing the video game.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how -- because I avoided challenging the point of asking my brother why he wants the first-player controller all of the time, not realize how playing the video game with him to remain stress-free was a point of manipulation that I experienced as an 'enjoyment', and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how this became part of my 'personality' within how I use this very same experience over and over again within my life, such as within the yogurt shop, by not telling the clerk that I only want one yogurt sample cup: believing that with me remaining passive and accepting the three yogurt cups, I will keep the clerk stress-free, and allow her to effectively 'focus' on her 'method' of remaining 'stress free'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I can use manipulation as a starting-point of creating 'excitement' and 'happiness' within myself in different situations / events / circumstances, and so within this, not realize how my expression within 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. can be motivated by manipulation alone, and because 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. 'feels good' -- believe that they are 'innocent expressions', and that there is no hidden agenda within my experience of 'happiness', 'excitement', and 'pleasure' within events / situations / circumstances. But I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'lose myself' within being 'happy', 'excited' and 'pleasureful' within events / situations / circumstances instead of being aware of the starting-point (which is the reason or situation) of what initiated my experience of 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the experience of 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. because it 'feels good' when I experience 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. instead of being aware of my starting-point (which is the reason or situation) of what initiated my experience of 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. within myself.

And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'trust' others because of how I 'feel' about them when I see others that are 'happy' or 'excited' -- not realizing how my staring point (which is the reason or situation) of what initiated my inclination to trust others can be influenced through how I, within my life, trust my own expression within how I see myself when I am 'happy', 'excited' and 'pleasureful'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how my experience of 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. within events / situations / circumstances can be influenced by 'manipulation' which becomes my 'hidden agenda' within establishing particular relationships with particular individuals within my life when I have when I have not looked at and corrected a particular point within my past that I lived or experienced, but opted out of the opportunity for correction so that I will not 'stress out' about it.

And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek 'happiness', 'excitement', and 'pleasure' so that I will not have to 'stress out' about random things within my life.

In this case regarding the memory above, I realize that my 'experience' of excitement was based on me not wanting to challenge the reason why my brother wanted the first-player controller all of the time, and so I instead opted out of the opportunity to correct the situation, or at least look at it, and see how I can support him to see what it is within himself that is creating the resistance to use a second-player controller.

I commit myself ensure that my participation within positive experiences such as 'happiness', 'pleasure', 'excitement', etc. is not influenced by manipulation by having a look within myself, and self-honestly see if there are any resistances within myself that I do not want to face in relation to the particular event / situation / circumstance.

I commit myself to stop using 'good feelings' and 'experiences' to run away from that which I resist within myself, such as a fear, or any other negative experience because I see, realize, and understand that when I fear facing a negative experience within myself, and then use a positive experience such as 'happiness' to cover it up, that I am declaring within myself that the particular negative experience is more 'powerful' than me, and that I cannot 'face' it or 'challenge' it, so I will suppress it using positive experiences such as 'happiness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on both positive and negative emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'controlled' by the experiences, sensations, and intensities of what I believe positive and negative emotion 'give me' and 'make me feel' which is 'relief', 'pleasure', or 'stress'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my emotions -- believing that they 'make me feel' a certain way instead of realizing how I defined myself in relation to my emotions for so long that I became enslaved to them.