13 June 2012

Day 49 | Shyness as Manipulation Part 1: Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept shyness as me based on the fear of seeing / having other people react to what I say or do, thus, perform certain physical movements, and say certain things that appears to be 'pleasing' (based on my definition of 'pleasing others') in order to ensure that I don't make the person that I am in communication to -- react, instead of see, realizing, and understanding the manipulation it takes as the filtering of myself within certain movements, voice, tonalities, and words in order to create an attitude that is 'likable'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be 'liked' -- because I defined myself within 'being liked' and 'not being liked', and thus within this, manipulate myself into and as certain words, voice tonalities, and movements in a way that I believe that it will please the other individual -- instead of taking self-responsibility to direct myself in and as self-honesty in every moment which is best for all -- because shyness perpetuates manipulation, the filtering to not see what one is accepting as allowing as the entirety of oneself in what self is accepting and allowing self to exist as within 'experience', and supports positivity -- which is the act of total abdication of that which has been accepted and allowed by all in this world -- which has been judged as 'negative'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse life through and as 'fear' within the act of 'shyness' which I use for the sake of pleasing others out of manipulation to get what I want as a return -- as 'security' that I define myself within and as, and thus, make the 'experience' of survival as fear -- something that I can use to ensure my 'security' as who I am as 'personality / ego' because I defined myself within and as existing within 'good feelings', and 'bad feelings' that I don't want to look at -- but have placed them aside to seek my pleasure in fear as 'security'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable within and as myself, thus, seek out 'security' within being shy because I have not taken self-responsibility to exercise self-honesty as the actual living expression of me as stability, but instead exist in and as 'fear' as the starting-point of me existing within/as instability of not 'letting go' the illusion of stability within and as communications with others as 'relationships' that I have defined the word 'stability' within and as -- because I separated myself from relationships, and based 'stability' on the energetics (behaviors, distinctive mannerisms, position) involved in/as 'relationship', of which I change my personality to 'fit' the energetics (of relationship) in order to stabilize the relationship -- instead of realizing that the energetics were never real in the first place, but was an 'out-flow' of being an 'effect' of -- instead of the directive principle -- equal to and one with and as 'experience' and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an 'effect-of' as 'shyness' because I defined myself as an 'effect' instead of a 'cause' based on how I abdicated self-trust for the sake of 'energy' of 'feel-good' experiences for the cost of my own integrity as a self-honest being that is able to make decisions for what is best for all -- but abdicated that for the sake of energy as 'experience' and relationships -- where I can create the illusion of individuality and purpose as self-achievement, and believe that I can make decisions that are best for all as equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to perpetuate manipulation is in-fact to perpetuate the world-system as how it exists in and as separation -- because manipulation is when every dollar is an expense for the sake of survival of trying to 'make a living' out of barter where the two or more parties get something of value in return from the other party, but as it is seen in the market, there is more-than enough supply for basic living necessities available for all, but because of capitalism, demand is created for the control of monetary supply to maintain the positive -- as the Elite, Corporations, Banks, Industries, of which the neutral is the effect of, and the generator of profit as the Business, Middle Class, and Lower Class -- which the negative is the process where money system consumes physicality into money: starvation, famine, poverty, deforestation, pollution, fracking, drilling, desertification, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of others based on how I accepted and allowed myself to become an 'effect-of' instead of realizing that I am both cause and effect -- of which I within this effect -- 'separated' myself from 'cause' of which I blame others to be 'cause' -- instead of realizing that I am equal to and one with and as 'cause' and effect -- as I project the 'cause' of my shyness based on experiences within the past where I blamed others for causing me to 'react' a certain way that lead me to the belief that if I am not exhibiting / displaying shyness, then I am 'disrespecting' the party that I am communicating with -- because I was never equal to and one with who I am within and as self-honesty which is in-fact the 'power' of and as me that I allowed myself to fear taking position as.

Childhood Points:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking my step-father if I can go into the refrigerator because I wasn't allowed to on my own, thus, defining myself as 'shy' because of that experience -- which I separated myself from that 'experience' into and as an 'effect' of that experience instead of standing equal to and one with the experience. And instead of standing equal to and one with the experience, I separated the experience into 'past', 'present', and 'future', where I give that experience the value of the 'past', as I within the 'present' -- as how I believe and perceive myself to be -- used that 'experience' in the past to define me within and and as the 'present' that becomes a future play-out as a 'cycle' of the 'past' -- because I have not stood equal to and one with that experience as taking self-responsibility to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me within and as that 'moment' and thus, as an effect -- carry that moment within my mind as a 'memory' through out my life where I re-play it over and over again through and as 'future play-outs' of/as 'shyness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my parents as 'more-than' me because of how they were the primary authority figures in my world and reality at birth / childhood -- exhibiting perceived stability within the monetary system, and thus, connect other people to my parents -- in my world and reality that are older than me as 'authority figures' based on their pictured-presentation, moral, ethical and financial status -- as these attributes are that which shape the capitalistic system according to the accepted moral, ethical and financial ability / capacity / sophistication that a person has created themselves to be over-time as a 'mirror' of the system as 'authority' -- to sit in an elitist position as a manager, director, executive, vice-president, or president to established rules / laws in this world within the political system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within knowledge and information from the perspective of connecting knowledge and information to elitism, as I connected my parents to elitists as a young child coming into the world -- acquiring knowledge and information as what I believed and perceived to be the 'building-blocks' of who I am, as ego, in relation to the world system, and thus perpetuate me as 'ego' into and as a framework of and as knowledge and information -- creating a resonant submission to the authority figures in this world that represent an elitist position, as I defined myself as 'less-than' -- here to acquire as much moral, ethical and financial ability / capacity / sophistication in this world in order to be an effective person / citizen -- instead of coming up with solutions that are best for all where knowledge and information can be used to bring about a world of equality and oneness -- where no man has to fight to survive, but every child that is born is rather born into a world where education becomes an expression of self as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the past, regret calling my step-uncle 'jack-ass' because I was informed previously that the word 'jack-ass' was not a cuss word, thus, felt that it was okay to call him one because he was joking around with me -- so I called him one -- which I got slightly reprimanded for, and thus, exist within and as 'shyness' thereafter -- watching what I say for fear of them reacting to the words, movements, voice-tonalities that I present to them -- instead of realizing that words are pure, but it is the mind that makes words seem 'impure' based on how we judged the particular / specific word through and as a relationship that defines who we are in relation to the word which is what and how we are actually existing within and as, and are actually 'seeing' -- not actually seeing / experiencing the word for and as how it exists unequivocally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as 'shyness' based on my speech impediment, and how I saw myself as 'different' from the rest because I had to go to a speech therapist when I was young to learn how to talk with clarity using techniques of slow, easy, speech -- as I was too afraid / shy to talk to authority figures, females, and on the phone based on how we as a society have an expectation of a specific formality / style expected when communicating to people -- when stuttering is never expected, hardly understood, and made fun of.

Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the / create a fear that really never manifested in an actual 'experience' of being made fun of -- of stuttering by a female or stranger, but saw myself as 'less-than' / dumb -- when conversing with my uncle who made fun of me in the past for stuttering in various circumstances, thus, I defined me within and as those experiences as an 'effect' -- as I projected that effect into and as a manifested / created 'experience' based on energetic movements within me consisting of and existing as 'fear' that I believed was 'real', and thus, perpetuated the illusion of 'shyness' towards authority figures, females, and parties on phone conversations -- rather than realizing that that fear that I manifested within and as me as a relationship -- 'became' me based on my 'trust' within and as 'relationships' that became my 'expression' within and through the love for family relationships, friendships -- because if I hadn't of developed a relationship-point with my uncle (within and as 'energy') -- that point of fear would have never manifested, but instead, I separated myself from my uncle which manifested fear within me through that separation -- as a relationship-point / relationship-line.

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