Day 48 | Keeping the Past In-Tact with Video Games

I was watching this movie called "eXistenZ" about a game designer that is on the run from assassins -- which she has to play her latest virtual reality creation with a marketing trainee to determine if the game has been damaged. The movie itself was good as they went into a video game that looks real, but the people / characters in the game were only programmed to do so much, so they would repeat cycles of random movements (as if they were drunk) until their name was spoken, and then they would go into a conversation with the other being.

My agreement partner, during the movie, bought up a point about games and how games are a good activity to keep oneself away from reality. I, within this point, reacted because before the agreement with my agreement partner, I used to go over my step-father's house and play the video game with him, and believed that she's keeping me from going over there and playing video games with my step-father. Because sometimes, I would want to go over there and enjoy some time with my step-father and play video games. So I'd like to do some self-forgiveness for points that I have not considered as actual starting points for and as the motivation of going over my step-father's house to play games.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the relationship patterns that I am existing in and as -- that creates the integrity of the relationship with and as my step-father -- creating the experience of enjoyment within and as video games that I used to play with him -- that gives life to the relationship to and with my step father -- instead of taking into consideration what a relationship REALLY is AS -- the deconstructing of the integrity of 'relationship' with another being (in this case my step-father and I) of which actual relationship is when nothing moves the relationship, but is an integrity that STANDS as self-movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use video games as a way of enjoying my memories that I give life to -- as I use my step-father to make the memory alive based on how the memory existed -- as playing the video game with my step-father in the past -- making an attempt to 'regain' what I believe I lost -- as that experience that I defined as a family experience, and an experience where I didn't have to be concerned about / take responsibility of acquiring money -- in which I realize is the real 'Holy Spirit' that exists everywhere -- which I became aware of when I stepped into reality, and out of the illusion of reality within my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to replace my adulthood life with my childhood life using video games as a way to 'bring back' my childhood life because within my adulthood life, I see how life really is as the chasing of money everyday to keep a roof over my head and clothes on my back -- which I feel 'chained' to -- as the process that I have to go through to bring change within and as my world as the 'mind' -- as the walking out of the mind system into the physical, as a point of standing as self-change within the internal world system as mind within -- into and as the standing of and as the world system as money without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my agreement partner for taking me away from me wanting to enjoy myself as the playing of games with my step-father -- which I defined as 'enjoyment' based on the relationship that I created with the memory of me with and as my step-father in the past -- as the enjoyment is based on that memory as a point of self-manipulation of trying to 'get back' what I believe and perceive is 'lost' because of time and money -- not seeing realizing and understanding the money that it took to even buy the television, the game, and the time that has all been abused for the sake of the money system and keeping the money system alive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way that relationships operate in this world is dependent on how money is acquired within ones world and reality -- as that acquisition of money creates experiences (as relationships) that are defined into existence based on the internal relationships within -- that are 'specialized' into and as the creation / motivation of the way that self exists physically within and as 'experiences' without. Thus within this, not taking into consideration that the way that I defined myself as a child was based on ignorance -- of not really knowing how I operate within this world and reality in relation to the mind system within, and the world system without -- in addition to having more time, and not having to take part in the responsibility of working and budgeting my financial obligations for the retention of housing, transportation, and consumer goods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use video games as a way out of reality -- of which I defined the value of video games based how I experience myself within and as the playing of video games -- instead of realizing that within and as the experience of playing video games, I was ignorant -- from the perspective of taking into consideration of who I am within what I do.... ignorant of how the video game actually works -- as a platform of bits working together as patterns that dictate the movement of the pixels on the screen in the form of a picture.... ignorant of the world system and how the world system as money is responsible for the creation of and as the experience -- based on my step-father's agreement to buy the video game, and to play it with me -- instead of realizing that ignorance was the bliss that I desire to keep within and as me -- to not want to know / see what is really going on inside of me, and in this world and reality -- because I defined myself within ignorance, and developed 'good feelings' within it -- as my happiness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my childhood years were simply years of ignorance, of which I desire that ignorance back in my adulthood years -- to remain oblivious to the fact that I have to take responsibility to deconstruct the entire totality of how I exist within this world and reality because over time, my relationship with money has in-fact became who I am as the very movement of my integrity / expression / beingness -- of which I communicate with others as money, move as money, generate emotions and feelings as money, pray as money, worship as money, take a bath as money, and have sex to keep the money system alive for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that most of who I am is how I constructed myself to be as -- within and as my childhood -- which is constituted primarily of and as ignorance that I believed to be a stage in my life where I was 'free' -- instead of realizing that actual freedom is when all are free -- not within ignorance, but within equality and oneness as the foundation for what is best for all as optimal living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in ignorance in my adulthood based on the excuse / participation of and within only what I want to see within my world and reality based on self-interest -- as the goals and achievements that I create in order to fulfill my own purposes -- not realizing the extensive ignorance that I create within that -- as I allow this world to fall for my own sake of self satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not 'whole' -- therefore,  desire to keep my past in-tact with video games that I created as a way of experiencing myself as a child having a dad -- thus, see my step-father as a father-figure of which I defined as a special time in my life -- thus, within my adulthood years, come from that starting-point of wanting to keep the past in-tact -- as the memories that I existed in -- as cherishing that father-son experience that I believe I lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the father-son experience that I had in the past was real -- instead of taking into the consideration the influences that I constructed as memories based on the pictures of what I believed and perceived to be 'real' based on my 'ignorance' about how I functioned in relation to my mind and the world system -- not taking into consideration the fact that I energetically charged experiences in the past with and as how I defined those experiences as 'more-than' me because I defined those experiences based on the illusion of freedom that I had within my childhood and how I did not have an elaborate network of mind-matrices / systems within me that I developed into and as my adulthood (as reactions, internal-conversations / back-chat). I believed that within my development of mind-matrices / systems within me -- consisting of and existing as energy, I 'lost' that part of me as a child, but I was never real in the first place, because I didn't know exactly who I was at that time. I only believed that I knew because I didn't have an elaborate array of mind-matrices / networks within me as a child. Thus, I commit myself to see, realize, and understand how my mind works in relation to the world system -- as the foundation of life, and to thus, put that knowledge and information into practical application to become 'real' for real within and as awareness of who I am in relation to the physical existence that I separated myself from -- for the perpetuation of relationships in which I placed myself 'behind' energy (as the generation of emotions and feelings) -- becoming blind to the reality of what is 'here' and what has been accepted and allowed within this world and reality to exist / function as the foundation of 'life' as survival.

I commit myself to deprogram what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, and to realize that the participation within and as relationships to and as past events is making the statement that I am limiting myself to and as a particular experience that consist of and exists as pictures that I have specialized within 'energy' (emotions and feelings) -- not taking into consideration the components that gives life to experience -- as money and energy that has become the foundation of life as a system of survival.

I commit myself out of ignorance into and as educating myself on how I function in and as the mind within and without -- as the world system -- to bring about a world that is best for all.

I commit myself that within blaming others, I place the blame within me -- within equality and oneness from and as the realization that to blame another, I declare my separation to that person, place, or thing -- of which I become 'less-than' who they are in order to project blame unto them -- because I have not stood as an equal to them. Thus, it is to equalize myself with and as all beings in my world and reality and have a look at what it is within the projecting of blame -- I am not taking self-responsibility for.

I commit myself to see, realize, and understand my starting-points within and as 'excitement', of which I generate 'energy' -- withdrawing myself from reality into and as an 'experience' that I defined myself into and as, and duplicated over and over again, until that particular relationship as 'experience' becomes who I am as a 'personality' that enjoys other 'personalities' within excitement -- in separation.