Please also read Bernard Poolman's blog on Relationship Dynamics....
Most of my desire for relationships revolved around having a relationship that is no-strings attached -- meaning that there are no emotional strings attached to the relationship because I questioned, in my life, the point of relationships because how could one really be in a relationship / enjoy a relationship if one doesn't know the other, and if it's based solely on emotions and feelings?
There was an individual in my world and reality that I was really attracted to, but my feelings for them became so overwhelmed that I believe that I fell in love with them, but really -- I didn't know the dimensions of their mind. I didn't know how they developed themselves to be in their lifetime, so because that, I didn't want to 'pursue' them from that perspective, but at the same time, I did from an emotional / feeling perspective based on how I valued them because of their picture-presentation. There were a couple of other people in my life that I liked because of their picture-presentation, and I was blinded by that initially. I could never really talk myself to go into a relationship with them because, it seemed shallow for me to be involved with someone for superficial reasons. I wanted to be with someone who tested every aspect of the word 'relationship', and how one exists within and as 'relationship'. That's why in most of my life, I had relationships with my own thought patterns as entities that I created within and as me (imaginary friends) that I gave a picture-form to that resembled a physical person's picture-form in the past that I was attracted to. And as the creation of these thought-patterns, I took all of the emotions and feelings away. At least that's what I thought, but it was still manipulation because they were just the exact image of what I wanted / desired -- which 'desire' in itself is in-fact still a feeling that becomes the 'engine' / 'drive' of relationship.
Bottom line I knew that when I got into an agreement, I was just 'talking' and wasn't serious. I realized that I did actually desire a relationship with emotions and feelings. I just wanted to keep that 'desire' going -- even if the emotions and feelings appeared to not be there. It was in-fact there within and as 'desire'. And I realize how desire can ruin a relationship from the very beginning because the whole relationship's starting-point is to fuel that desire -- whether it be with keeping a specific physical look of a relationship-partner in-tact to energize the relationship through sex, or to keep some emotions and feelings going through fueling the relationship with positiveness, love, care, good feelings, kindness, emotional pleasure, etc. -- not saying that it's 'wrong' not to care about others, but to emphasize it, the starting point has to be questioned because I know that if I tell someone that I care about them, I am telling them out of fear of losing them, thus, the relationship becomes based on the fear of loss, and then I manipulate the relationship by doing things / saying things that align with that fear of loss -- such as showing them kindness, affection, and making them feel good.
That's why I have to really be self-honest with who I interact with -- because for me, I am easily drawn to that 'energy' -- even though I KNOW it's manipulative, and self-dishonest. I have been the 'kind' person all of my life based on the programming from my mom as 'helping' others, and the programming from my father as showing kindness through body language. It's like when I see someone, I see them as a 'gift from God' just because they are here in this world and surviving like me, and this thus forms / creates energetics within me that likes to express 'kindness' to others just based on this point -- and it's that kindness that draws like a magnet certain specific types of people that can feed off of how I express 'kindness' -- based on how they patterned themselves within 'kindness' and 'unkindness' -- and most of the people that I attract from this perspective are males.
I realize that when someone is existing in 'energy' as emotional and feeling reactions I entertain that point-value, and thus create a friendship-relationship with them KNOWING that I am abusing the relationship as how it stands -- because if I am here to redefine relationships through and as an agreement, I should physically-practically walk the point not only in an agreement but with / as others equal and one. Now I'm not talking about developing love-relationships with people, but simply relationships from the perspective that I am aware of the 'energy' as emotional and feeling reactions that are playing out -- because those emotional and feeling relationships signify what is actually controlling the relationship -- which is not self -- it is the mind that has subjugated itself through particular words and movements that one 'experience' and reacted from that. It can be as subtle as a smile.... Where is that smile coming from? Is it coming from self being directive, or is it a form of an emotional-feeling reaction? So yes -- it is really to establish stable relationships within this world and reality -- and the only way to do that is to release ones definition of who they are within and as experiences because it is these experiences consisting of thoughts, words, pictures, symbols, etc. of the past that creates the need to re-establish who we are over and over again through relationships -- of trying to find love and compassion from another instead of giving it to ourselves initially because that is where self-honesty lies -- when we are really actually self-honest -- investigating the nature and fabric of who we are in relation to others, and investigating others in relation to ourselves. We can then actually see how and why our experiences play-out in the way they do. So I'd like to do some self-forgiveness for my relationship dynamics, and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within my relationship experiences.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what it in-fact means to have a relationship this is not driven by emotions and feelings, but is in-fact stable in all ways and what is best for all -- instead of realizing that any desire thereof that exists within relationship is the fabric of self-dishonesty without taking into consideration self-forgiveness -- as the point of releasing all movements within -- that consist of and exist as 'energy' as emotional and feeling reactions such as -- desire for a person, happiness to be in a relationship, kindness and compassion towards your partner because you 'love' them, giving gifts of flowers to make them feel special, etc. -- all of these as manipulative tactics to keep emotions and feelings for one's partner in-tact out of fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'fall in love' with someone based on the self-honest investigation that the reason that I 'fell in love' with them is because I 'fell in love' with their picture-presentation, thus, it was never about the person, but was about me trying to equalize myself with what I 'liked' through and as the desire for 'sex' to get a 'fulfillment' that I wanted liked a 'drug' -- not seeing, realizing, and understanding that falling in love is never self-honest as one is driving by 'energy' as emotional and feeling reactions -- as self-direction has been put aside for self-interest as a self-defined 'love' -- rather than a love of equality and oneness where love is defined as that which supports all life equally -- considering all as one and one as all -- and to practically shape the world into and as that expression through an equal-money system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison me within a limited perspective of love based on feelings and emotions that are in-fact products of that which I haven't directed equal and one -- thus not seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am existing within and as 'consequence' as emotional and feeling reactions as the fabric of 'fear', but the fear feels so good that I call it 'love' and make several attempts to perpetuate this love in order to complete my 'past' -- as who I really am that cycles and cycles over and over again from one body to another expressing the same personality-mindset to another because I have yet to see anything beyond this cyclic behavior that I embrace as me "expressing myself."
Will continue self-forgiveness on Part 2....
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