Day 58 | Relationship Dynamics Part 3: Placing Trust in Relationships

This is a continuation of Relationship Dynamics Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place 'trust' in relationships because since childhood, I created myself to be the fabric of 'energy' as emotional and feeling reactions within relationships with others being as how I saw relationships -- the liveliness, the vibrance that I defined as living and expressing oneself -- instead of investigating who we are within what we do, what we speak, how we act to and towards ourselves and others, and within that, not really see, realize, and understand that me defining the experience with others as 'relationships' as 'lively' / 'vibrant', I am in-fact not really seeing the relationships as how they actually exist as their starting-point, but only seeing the objective reality that looks 'full of life' / 'full of spirit'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my own expression as the identity that I believe I am because I grew up with myself -- which is the excuse that I make for having a resistance to challenge myself.... to direct myself equal to and one within self-forgiveness -- as making a self-honest starting-point of self-direction within relationships and experiences such as saying, "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an effect of my relationships with my family, wherein I, as an affect, exist within exhilaration of embracing the personalities of my family members as what they say, how the speak, how they move, how they smile, how they look, how they express, etc. -- as I conform to 'experiences' with family and friends and not investigating for myself why I am 'moved' by these particular-specific 'experiences' that I have defined as 'enjoyable', 'exhilarating', etc." -- and I within this self-forgiveness statement make the 'choice' to investigate who I am practically in every moment when I am around my family / friends -- to really have a look at who I am as the very integrity that I defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a product of my emotional and feeling reactions not even consider investigating who I am, as I mirror myself within and as every everyone that I encounter living as an effect which has been so prominent in my world and reality, that I was never aware of the fact that I am actually an effect of my experience because I embraced those experiences in separation -- whether they are experiences with family or friends -- I place trust within and as these experiences as if they are me based on the feelings that I believe that I 'get' from them, and within this remain lost within and as my identity that I tacitly agreed to exist as. And thus, within and through the process of stopping my mind -- as the being and becoming self-directive within and as my relationships -- have a resistance for that because of the fear of 'losing' who I have become, and losing that bond with others that I defined myself into/as -- instead of realizing that that 'bond' with family / friends is based on redundant patterns as 'cycles' that I relive over and over again because it is all that I have known myself to be, but I can become 'more' that seeing, realizing, and understanding that within self-direction, I am now equal to and one with and as my relationships with others, and within that self-direction, I can re-evaluate / change / stop the limited nature of me as what I have become through, within, and as my 'life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'love' within and as the cycles of my mind that constantly and continuously feed off of others' energies as their thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- which is the reason I 'enjoy' being around them -- because I, as who I am as a  personality / ego is not being challenged / directed, but is allowed to continue to sabotage myself within and as relationships that I am in-fact submissive to -- because I haven't directed myself equal to and one with and as the 'mechanics' of relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility of taking apart the relationship dynamics of my friends and family because of fear -- the fear of standing equal to and one with and as them as myself -- because I see them as 'separate' from me instead of realizing that I am the alpha (starting-point) and the omega (effect) of all of my relationships, and that there is really in-fact no relationship with another, as I give power to the illusion of there being 'another' through and as the participation in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of myself that I gave value to -- and within and as this 'value' -- I projected onto and as others (using others) for the sake of generating 'good feelings' to please myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a 'religion' out of my personality wherein I don't even think about questioning the nature of, but indubitably question 'religion' instead of realizing that the point of questioning 'religion' is pointless because within that, I am still existing within and as that which I made a religion of and to -- which is my own personality of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I don't bother to question because I placed trust in me -- as the personality based on the 'good feelings' that I get from it -- the same 'good feelings' that is in-fact sought for as the 'anointing' of God in and as 'religion'. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the 'hope' for the acquisition of the anointing of God as the knowing of the 'supernatural presence' of God upon me, being aware of God's presence with me as a physical-consciousness 'experience' where I 'feel' the 'warm presence' and 'glow' of God upon my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adhere to the bible scripture -- John 8:47: "He who is of God hears God's words; therefore you do not hear, because you are not of God." as an external reflection of my internal reality as the acceptance and allowance to be obedient to my mind as 'personality' which I have made my 'god', and if I only 'hear' my mind -- as the representation of existing within and as 'challenging' my mind, then I am not 'of the mind' (participating in my mind) -- instead of realizing that I am actually in-fact participating in my mind within thoughts, feelings, and emotions by and as 'challenging' my mind instead of 'stopping' my mind of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have made my 'religion' as 'personality / ego'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see self-forgiveness a religion based on having to do self-forgiveness over 'everything' without question because questioning in this sense would be self-dishonesty -- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that within everything that I do, everything that I speak, everything that I think, etc. is in-fact the reflection of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become of which I don't in-fact know or even pin-point the nature of / starting-point of virtually everything that I do because I am existing as an 'effect' of what I do, what I speak, what I think etc. -- thus, even within questioning religion, I am in-fact self-dishonest because my very nature of who I am as a 'personality' is my own 'personal religion' of myself -- that I do not question -- instead of realizing that self-forgiveness is there for me as a practical self-honest tool to come from a starting-point of and as self-honesty where I am in-fact self-honestly able to direct myself equal to and one with all of my experiences that I never stood as the directive-principle even if it looked as if I was -- but without a clear starting-point within self-forgiveness -- the subtle nature of me that I am not aware of is still allowed to perpetuate my very nature of me that I don't even know and understand the dynamics of -- and it is these dynamics that are the 'engine' / 'life' of my personality as my 'dictator'.