Day 42 | The Submissive Role Part 2

Yesterday, I was looking at the point of laziness in and as my agreement partner, and how I in-fact realized that I was projecting that point of laziness onto her based on my participation within and as laziness because of wanting someone in my life wherein I am able tacitly able to play the submissive role based on how I defined myself as being submissive to others. I have not accepted and allowed myself to be the directive principle of and as relationships based on fear, and I'm not talking about being the directive principle in separation as a form of creating an equilibrium as 'getting back' to someone as a projection of being submissive to one's one's own reactions -- because I can create an image within me as me of being directive, and appear to be aggressive within that point, but if I am not in-fact one and equal as who I am within directing myself then, I am simply playing the role of a dominating factor -- because I am simply acting out all of my reactions that I have not directed within my world and reality through self-forgiveness, thus, mining the physical for energy to exist as a personality forevermore.

I realize that my biological mother and father plays a big role in my life as how I consist of and exist as within this world, and realize that the key part of my submissive personality is through the acceptance and allowance of me to be programmed by the very submissive traits / genes / programs passed on from generation to generation -- creating who I am as a personality of which I believe is me because I defined me into and as how I speak, how I move, etc. in relationship to myself as others in this world and reality. So I'd like to continue the self-forgivenesses from Part 1 to face who I am within and as self-forgiveness and direct the point accordingly as self-change to become the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anger as a point of defining myself based on and within the polarity of submissiveness, and dominance -- defining myself as being submissive which represents laziness and fear -- the fear of someone else reacting to me because I believed reactions to be real, and the point of not directing myself within and as laziness to move as self. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project anger onto and as my agreement partner because of not directing myself within and as laziness as a point of self-movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as 'reactions' -- creating and establishing the integrity of me based on reactions -- conforming / constructing my movements, and voice from a starting point of reactions -- instead of making a commitment to stop reactions within and as me as 'symbols' that represent what I haven't given up as a personality / ego, but allowed to dictate the very threads of how I speak and move of which I use to create the relationships that I exist in and as within my world and reality with people that also fear another's possibility of reacting to the words that are being conveyed by them, and thus, have to beg for a straight answer -- as a mirror of me insisting that I as self -- stand up for what I accept and allow myself to exist within and as -- as reactions as the perpetuation of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very seed that copied my mother's and grandmother's fear of someone reacting to what they say because I have become the very manifestation of that which was never directed through my mother, thus, passed on to me as a form of 'truth' that I accept as the expression of me -- as I perpetuate this 'truth', and pass it to others within and as relationships -- instead of really looking at where I am coming from in any given moment. Am I directing myself within and as this moment, or am I spontaneously regurgitating who I am as the manifested 'parrot' that has taken my parent's mind-consciousness systems, and duplicated them through and as what I accept and allow myself to be and become in my world and reality as a personality?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that remains in a one-dimensional reality consistent of and as 'energy' -- as thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, beliefs, memories -- as knowledge and information -- locked into and as a world that feeds of physical substance for the sake of the survival of 'energy' as 'ego', and 'energy' as 'money' -- that we, as a collective, have been brainwashed to trust as the movement of and as life as ourselves -- of which feelings have been created as an inversion of not seeing / not wanting to see / not looking at the reality of what has been accepted and allowed as who we really are in relationship to the physical, life, and others as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have a look at who I am within what I do, how I speak, and how I move within and as this world and reality -- becoming the 'doingness', but remaining blind to the 'beingness' as who I am -- which currently consists of and exist as my parents relationship integrity based on their likes and dislikes -- which has been molded into and as my expression that I value as who I believe I am, thus, conforming to who I am as the doingness (as what I do within the world), and reasoning out the beingness (as who I am within what I do -- because I only looked at who I am on a conscious level not considering the entangled web that I weaved myself into and as from earlier childhood from the love and trust that I placed onto and as my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though my father wasn't there for me in the beginning, I still allowed myself to become angry for him not being there, and angry for the fact that I had to take responsibility in getting the blood test done because I accepted and allowed myself from the beginning to exist 'separate' from my father -- based on the knowledge and information / belief that he should be there for me because I cannot be there for myself -- not realizing that I, within wanting my father to be there, abdicate who I am for a relationship that can never be real because I was never real from the beginning. The fact that I exist within and as 'energy' proves that I am not real because the within the valuing of and as relationships, I separate myself into many parts / threads that define that relationship -- no longer seeing who I am within and as the relationship, but only seeing the relationship, and who I have become within it. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my father for being there instead of realizing that that anger is in-fact the effect of how I defined myself to exist within and as a relationship, wherein I define the totality of who I exist based on that relationship becoming limited into and as a relationship while at the same time, mining the physical just so that I can remain existent within a relationship that can only consist of and exist as 'energy' -- because I moved within the expression of and as the relationship using thoughts, feeling, emotions, etc. as movements of and as 'energy' -- as how the mind knows how to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be easy to persuade based on the point of kindness that plays out in my world and reality -- because I abused myself within kindness based on either the fear of the individual that I am being kind to -- reacting, or not getting what they need in order to survive in this world and reality because I placed myself in their shoes -- instead of looking at the whole picture because of how one has gotten themselves in the position that they are in. Thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept what's 'on the table' of which I blindly accept who I am in relation to my 'doingness' rather than looking at my starting-point of how the doingness came into existence, thus, exist within and as kindness towards myself in and as the form of acceptability -- accepting everything that comprises to and as what I do to be the movement of and as me -- and within this, become the manifestation of the acceptance of a mind-demon integrated within and as me through my very physical as self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for and as perfecting myself in my world and reality, but instead ‘look up’ to someone to help me into and as perfection. Thus, desire within my world and reality females that have a dominating personality -- based on blaming my mom -- of which I saw my mom, as me, as having no backbone. Thus, instead of taking self-responsibility for and as myself to stop existing within and as self-dishonesty, I blamed my mom for having no backbone, and projected that blame onto females that have a dominating personality -- not realizing that they are the reflection of how I haven't stood in my reality as being self-directive. So within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to exist within and as polarity -- as the see-saw effect -- cycling within the same points over and over -- as the winning and losing mechanism -- in order to prove myself in various ways of and within relationships which I project loss as submissiveness, and winning as being dominating -- instead of breaking the cycle of self-sabotage by realizing that I am 'here', and not defined by polarity as being submissive and dominating, but accept and allow myself within this polarity friction -- to be controlled by them through the belief that I am the mind that needs to prove myself to others as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to prove myself to others as me -- thus existing within and as a winning / losing starting-point of wanting to be 'proven' as a point of winning -- winning to fulfill / activate / carry-out the programming within and as me as how my parents existed within and as -- being subject to the point of submission -- playing out as a point of loss of not directing the point of submission equal to and one with and as self, and a point of winning as equalizing self with and as submission -- which has become the identity of and as self as ego / energy / personality.

I commit myself to align myself with and as my beingness of and as me as a point of equalizing myself with my doingness -- that has become driven by / through / as 'energy' -- of which I have abdicated my beingness for -- for the perpetuation of self-dishonesty, and self-manipulation within / through / as relationships that has become the dominating factor of and as my life.

I commit myself to stop existing as a 'parrot' to my (parr)ents that have parroted their personalities from ancestors who allows themselves to become (an)ts to a system that was built through and as relationships of winning and losing, as winning and losing have become duplicated within and as the family tree to keep war as friction existing as an infinite cycle of spitefulness.

I commit myself to getting to know who I am in every moment, and realize that within the process of getting to know who I am, I will resist that "who-I-amness" for that which I have ingrained within and as the deep dimensions of the physical -- which has become part of me as a personality / ego -- and that that which I trust within me that instigates reaction, is not real, but is only real because I allowed myself to exist as a slave to relationships, and a slave to my mind that I have separated myself from in the form of haphazard actions that are never investigated for what they are and why they are.