I was looking at the point of laziness, and how my agreement partner was existing within a laziness point. According to Bernard Poolman, laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So, it is to find the self-judgment, set oneself free from the judgment itself, and then one won't need laziness to hide in. Bernard also mentioned to remember, that the desire that forced one into judgment and eventual laziness -- is still one's master, thus, to not judge the 'master' (as the point that has gotten one into laziness), but to 'serve' that which one has placed as their 'master', until self is equal to the 'master' and then decide how to direct oneself.
Within this point that I saw in and as my agreement partner, I felt a bit of anger from and as how she was existing in because I created myself into and as a submissive role in relation to my agreement partner -- based on how I perceive myself in and as my world and reality being the 'worst' and wanting the best of, as, and in everything. Thus, I always desired the 'best' relationship with an individual -- someone that has already 'perfected' who they are in every way, and thus, there to assist and support me in perfecting my process. It was difficult within my lifetime to acquire a relationship, so I create relationships with different parts of myself that I separated myself from, and gave those parts of myself a body form. Most of them, I wanted to be aliens because the aliens that I studied in the past were supposedly advanced technologically and ethically. So it was a point of basically separating myself from ethics because if I redefine ethics from an eternal perspective from the definition of what ethics mean / entail as the philosophical study of moral values and rules -- it would be redefined as the study / implementation of the value of and as life -- as what is best for all. I have not given myself that, so I was trying to create it, in separation, within an imaginary relationship as hope -- which is direct abuse of life -- for not moving within and as taking self-responsibility to birth life within and as me -- to move as life.
So if I look at my biological mother and father, I can see how the submission role played out into and as me because according to the Design of the Mind System, we live out both our mother's and father's life experiences, which gives individuality a misleading disposition as how it is understood. I realize that both my mother and father are the submissive roles in and as the family construct, as the other party in the relationship are the dominating factors. Both my father and mother are easy to persuade, and I can see how that corresponds in my world and reality because I am also easy to persuade based on the point of kindness that plays out in my world and reality. Thus, I abuse myself within kindness based on either the fear of them reacting, or not getting what they need in order to survive in this world and reality because I put myself in their shoes, but I really have to look at the whole picture because did they place themselves in a fucked-up position based on them not taking self-responsibility in their world and reality? I have to investigate all of the points that lead to them being in a fucked-up position -- because if I just blindly help them, then I support them not taking self-responsibility to correct their points in their world and reality.
It is what we all do in this world without looking at the bigger picture which is the system in its entirety, because the system is the engine that engineers survival -- which none of us as a collective have taken self-responsibility for stopping, but we allow ourselves to remain in and create additional fucked-up experiences, because we are not taking self-responsibility as a whole, so kindness has really been abused to the utmost degree, and is really irrelevant in this world and reality until we, as a collective, stop what has been allowed as this world system, and change it into a system that supports all of us equally and effectively -- and then kindness can actually become a practical point of establishment.
So my mother and father were submissive in their world and reality, and I see how this submissiveness plays out in me of not taking self-responsibility for and as perfecting myself in my world and reality, but instead 'look up' to someone to help me into and as perfection. Thus, I desire within my world and reality females that have an aggressive personality, female bodybuilders, intelligent, and sophisticated females, etc. -- all females that seem to heave a head on their shoulders and know what they are talking about, and from this, I compare myself in my world and reality to them. Looking at my dad's perspective, I he is the type of person that will allow another to do all of the work -- as per taking responsibility for what should be directed. After 29 years, I was the one that had to buy the necessary material to perform a blood test analysis to see if he was actually my father because he never stood up and taken responsibility for that. No, I am not degrading him because and for that, but simply showing as a reference point how this personality point of and as him plays out in me of me not taking self-responsibility in my world and reality to direct situations in my life -- of which I use kindness to hide what is really going on, and not even see because I placed myself within and as position wherein the only that I am aware of is the relationship that I have created with and as kindness. I haven't taken responsibility to equalize myself with the actual experience as how it consists of and exists as, thus, acting out a relationship rather than looking at / dissecting what is 'here'.
This is the same with my mother -- as my mother played the submissive role in and as her relationships, and I wished that she had more of a back-bone, so within my world and reality, I looked for females that appear to have a backbone -- which is the reason that I liked "L. L." -- L. L.'s personality was aggressive because her mom had an aggressive demeanor to her, but I realized that having an aggressive demeanor doesn't really show / reveal how much that an individual has really deconstructed who they are as a mind-consciousness system -- as the process of self-perfection. It just shows that they have an aggressive personality, lol. Thus, I was looking for the 'opposite' of my mom because I was playing out my mom's submissiveness in and as me, and wanted to fulfill that point of and as me within a relationship with the opposite polarity, thus, remaining submissive for a lifetime. So, a relationship in this matter wouldn't work, because I would be compounding the submissiveness in and as me. It is not to have a relationship with someone to pull yourself out of what self has accepted and allowed self to be and become.... That would be self-manipulation. It is to actually pull oneself out of what self has accepted and allowed self to be and become through and as forgiving self for what self has accepted and allowed themselves to be and become in one's own world and reality, and walk the process of deconstructing all points of and as self -- of which self has molded self into and as -- becoming the 'organic robot'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an aversion for telling my agreement partner about a point that I saw her existing within and as -- as I, within this experience, defined myself as 'more-than' her, and her as 'less-than' me -- because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the submissive role, and thus, see others have "having it all together" as 'perfection' -- and thus, feed the definition of who I am within and as submissiveness -- instead of realizing that defining myself into and as a role of perceiving myself as 'less-than' or 'more-than' exists because of it's opposite point which establishes / creates a relationship-cycle that is walked within and as my world and reality for life of which I do not take self-responsibility for stopping because I have given definition / meaning / value to what it means to be 'more-than' or 'less-than'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that me wanting / desiring a relationship with the opposite polarity of and as how I am existing is due to the fact because I don't want to stop / transcend / deconstruct that which I have become as a personality of existing as submissive -- of which I hide that submissiveness within and as me in a relationship to the opposite polarity -- instead of taking self-responsibility to apply self-corrective application of which no one is able to assist and support myself with -- as the actual 'doingness' aligned with and as my 'beingness' -- as the position that I give myself when I forgive myself for existing within and as both polarities of self-manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only transcend when I am around a personality that expresses the 'opposite' of and as me -- instead of realizing that I am, in-fact -- equal to and one as both polarities, but have separated myself into and as several parts of me -- of which I live out some parts externally -- that are generated by a polarity opposite internal nature, thus, see myself externally as being submissive based on my internal nature as being directive, but the reason that I do not express the directive nature of and as me is because of fear, so I hide that directive nature within me, and project that directive nature expression onto and as another being that has a directive nature demeanor, and I thus, desire that person because I haven't equalized myself with and as my own directive nature as self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry based on how my agreement partner was accepting and allowing herself to exist as -- in laziness because I created / defined myself into and as a submissive role in relation to my agreement partner -- based on how I perceive myself in and as my world and reality being the 'worst' and wanting the best of, as, and in everything. Thus, I always desired the 'best' relationship with an individual -- someone that has already 'perfected' who they are in every way, and thus, there to assist and support me in perfecting my process because I haven't taken self-responsibility in my life to direct myself in every moment of breath in everything that I do that doesn't align with what is best for all of which I allow who I am as personality / ego to direct me within and as the fabric of reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the 'worst' looking for the 'best' because I have given up on myself for the perpetuation of ego as reactions -- in which I become submissive to my own self as reaction -- instead of standing up and taking self-responsibility to become 'real' for real -- not dictated by reactions as that which are manifested consequences -- of an earlier time in my world and reality that I have not directed, thus react to that as a fabric of regret -- played out as reactions, and to think that I am my reactions, and that they are my expressions -- so I perpetuate reactions in my world and reality into and as friction manifesting war.