22 May 2012

Day 30 | My Biological Father

In the previous Journey to Life blog, I stated that I specialized the person that I called my "spiritual brother" because I connected the relationship with him to the relationship with my biological dad because, to me, he resembled him at the time. I told him when I first met him -- this information because I specialized my dad based on him not being in my life for the most part until the age of 28 years old -- thus, when I am around the person that I called my "spiritual brother", I created a memory relationship and super-imposed that memory relationship as also seeing him as a my dad, in order to feel as though I had a father in my life. So I want to do self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the father construct for so many years because I have not given myself that which I projected onto and within/as my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specialize the person that I called my "spiritual brother" because I connected him to my father based on the fact that I 'missed' a father-figure in my life of which I created friction within me because of that because I never felt 'whole' / 'complete' within and as a familial structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on and within a familial structure because that's where I placed my happiness to live a life of completeness with two people that I see as 'more than' me because they have experienced the world more than me, thus, see them as my stability support as father and mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not have that stability support, I am not complete as a 'personality', thus have to go and look for that stability support within and as pictures of other people that resemble my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a picture -- as another person to my father and thus to project all of that which equals to 'missing my father' onto them as I develop a relationship with them of and as self-manipulation -- as manipulating the relationship to 'fit' that which I believe I haven't received at birth which is a father figure that is there to support me as a child to live a complete and effective life in this world and reality -- instead of realizing that I am the image and likeness of my father, thus, it is me that is missing me because I don't know how it is to live the personality of my father, and thus, need guidance as a 'personality' to walk to personality, behaviors, characteristics -- to mirror the life of my father to become an effective parrot.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the splitting image of my father, and that I, within missing my father, support separation as 'relationships' wherein I can develop who I am as a personality to effectively mirror my father's and forefather's lives here within this world and reality of which all fathers collectively throughout humanity -- have assisted and supported in the substantiation of that which is manifested here in this physical existence that has become an existence / world of 'abuse' -- thus that which I mirror is that which makes me feel 'good' as 'personality' so I can become an effective 'parrot' blinded by 'feelings' -- and only supporting that which is 'good' in the world while in-fact, everything that is 'good' is that which preoccupies us from not seeing what has actually been accepted and allowed to exist within this world and reality -- as the want / need / desire for love always mirrors the consequence of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to follow the ways of the genes -- as the genes I consist of and exist as -- which has been written down (as the biological script) from my ancestral lineage of which I agree to 'honor' and multiply -- as the biological network marketing scheme of life as the 'system' -- for the system's sake of staying and remaining alive through and within the assistance and support of all of bloodline's sweat from the brow of 'hard work' that generates the operations of the 'mighty dollar' for the purpose of a select few to keep their heaven on Earth in-tact while billions suffer for the sake of survival -- instead of becoming the nothingness where nothing 'moves' me but my responsibility to do what is 'best for all'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate what is best for all and to realize that within what is 'best for all' exists no desire for wanting a father-figure in my life because the very desire for a father-figure is my desire to exist within and as self-interest -- as a point of seeking my own self-fulfillment purposes for the sake of being a happy slave in this world and reality while billions suffer within the operations of the mighty dollar. I never considered what was best for all, but accepted and allowed my 'desire' to be the life of me because I didn't give myself that which I desired, so projected it onto and as my father which I was seeking within and as my life.

I didn't give myself stability in my life, because the only way to create that stability within me is by realizing that I am not defined by relationships. Thus, within defining myself within relationships, I assist and support 'desire' to manifest within me to try to acquire that stability elsewhere. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek stability from my father because I didn't give that stability to myself -- thus believed that I need relationships to 'learn' how to be stable instead of realizing that existing within and 'energy' -- as emotions and feelings that equal to relationships cannot bring me stability, but are the very manifestation of 'movement' (as energy) of which I will always be 'unstable' because I projected stability within and as the personality that I developed since childhood -- that I trusted as the 'expression' of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the expression of who I am based on the relationships that I created within and as my world of where and how I defined myself as 'personality' to exist with others -- of which I, within relationships, constantly and continuously adjust who I am -- as a 'personality' based on others' judgments about me because I existed within and as 'insecurity' as 'instability' of which I believed that I needed a father-figure to show me 'stability' instead of giving that stability to my self (equal and one).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'miss' my dad because I defined myself as a 'personality' as a 'reflection' of and as my father -- of which I 'miss' my father because he is not 'around' me based on the belief that family needs to be close -- instead of realizing that what I desire to be 'close' to is in-fact myself because I am the image and likeness of my father, and that which I have not forgiven -- as my patterns that I have created over time since childhood that formed who I am as an 'identity' / 'personality' I want to keep within me because I defined that very part as me -- which is the very manifestation of the fear of death -- as wanting to be 'close' to my father / family fearing to lose them as a 'personality' because I am or created myself to be the image and likeness of them through and as 'relationships' as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, thus, manifest this fear of not wanting to let go of my family (or friends), thus 'specialize' them in my life and tell them that I 'love' them or 'like' them in order to manipulate myself into believing that I can strengthen the relationship like that because of all of the strong memories that I have about them that I developed within and through me -- to make my relationship connection strong with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project 'happiness' within and as relationships -- not realizing that by projecting happiness within and as relationships, I sabotage myself to look and search for relationships -- as a point of looking and searching for all of that which I have separated myself from -- for the sake of trying to acquire, or get back, what doesn't even exist -- instead of taking self-responsibility to stop all illusions as relationships -- which is really me projecting myself onto myself in another physical form, and thus, not realizing that by projecting myself onto myself in another physical form, I use and abuse that form just for the sake of searching for something that doesn't even exist 'separate' from me -- to exist within the illusion of fulfillment / happiness.

I commit myself to the process of stopping all deception / manipulation tactics of wanting a father-figure (or any other relationship figure) in my life to give me stability -- because I defined a father-figure as being 'stable' and teaching their children how to become stable in this world and reality -- instead of realizing that there is in-fact no stable personality that is ruled by 'relationships' and 'personality' of emotions and feelings -- that gives 'energy' to the deception 'love' and 'hate' which are in-fact engineered by money.

I commit myself to the process to become 'nothing' -- of which I, within 'nothingness' am 'here', and thus, not moved by an 'outside' source that I perceive 'separate' from me -- because all 'outside' influences are in-fact influences that I separated myself from -- of which I am subject to -- because I create a relationship out of those 'influences' based on not directing me effectively within this world and reality to equalize myself with all parts of me that I have created an 'energy' as -- as specific thought patterns, emotions, feelings, memories, habits, perceptions, beliefs -- that 'drive' me as a being consisting of and existing as 'personality' as the totality of the me that has been developed over time -- and within this development, I created a 'trust' for it because it is the longest relationship that I ever had (everything that consists of who I am as a personality).

I commit myself to not realize that my personality is developed through and by money -- because money is the life of all personalities in this world and reality -- so all relationships in this world that consists of and exists as 'love' -- have in-fact become the greatest selling techniques that engineer us to what is necessary to be done to support the system, but in fact keep us blind through and as our preoccupations that we define as 'living' (within 'love' and relationships).

I redefine father as a male parent that creates a copy of himself as a child through the participation with Synergistic Energy Xchange with the mother of the child — of which both parent’s dishonesties, lies, manipulation tactics, survival mechanisms, memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, beliefs are transferred into the child of which a relationship is created called ‘love’ — where the child takes the downloaded data, and creates a personality from it and sales it to others in the form of ‘love’ by constantly and continuously searching for relationships that matches that of their father — always living out this one point as a foundation of relationships which can be transformed within the expanding of this one point — to all beings equal and one where all relationships are then created, manifested and lived from a starting point of what’s best for all as equality. Thus, within this expansion, life can then be lived without friction / influence from that which oneself was not equal to in the beginning which were the relationships that became the influence / thrive of one’s world and reality to acquire that which the father represented in their lives.

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