I then started bringing points from the past in my mind about Desteni being a religion because I interpreted Christianity as being a religion that relies on faith rather than practical application. Albeit, Desteni doesn't 'rely' on any form of a higher being, but I didn't understand what would be a sound starting point if it's not based on logic? Because in my mind, making reasonable judgment is quite practical. But within my starting point, I was being quite self-dishonest because although I made a logical decision to speed up -- within how I defined logic, I also existed in fear in which I decided to drive fast to transcend the fear because I knew that my agreement partner would say something to test my starting point -- which is also a point of wanting to be 'free' because of feeling controlled to do certain things -- because I defined freedom as being able to do things without testing the starting point of it. And so within these points is the true starting point -- not the logic part of it because the logic part of it was just an effect from the experience -- defining myself 'separate' from the experience -- thinking about a future event rather than remaining here as 'breath' because the future event was being able to go home and rest. So the logic point was really an effect of the true starting points which were existing separate from my agreement partner, existing separate from what's 'best for all' of which I defined 'freedom' as doing only what's best for me -- and not considering the whole, and existing within a future time and wanting to 'get' to that future time because I existed separate from what is 'here' which is all that actually exists -- because if you look at it, wanting to 'be somewhere else' is in-fact wanting to establish oneself in a particular relationship that one separated themselves from within themselves in order to acquire satisfaction, happiness, fulfillment, etc., but I didn't want to adhere to this because I was looking at the effect -- as what I defined as a 'practical' point based on 'logic'.
How do I know what really is 'logical' or not if I am not coming from my entire beingness of me as me? The mind itself is so extensive that everything that we experience, has been automated by our minds, and not really coming from a self-directive starting point / perspective -- because in order to have a clear starting-point, one has to consider the entirety of oneself within that experience. One has to consider all of the relationship-patterns from birth that created the thought of wanting to drive faster to cut some minutes off from driving. In this case, I realized that wanting to drive faster was the effect rather than the true starting point. The true starting points were wanting to be 'free' from feeling controlled of doing what is best for all..... and even within that point are entire patterns that created that thought of wanting to be free as how I defined 'freedom' as. At that time, I was thinking about me in the past enjoying myself at a club -- that I connected to freedom. And then one has to consider the point of why did one connect freedom to a club? -- feeling trapped of being in the "real world" where I am not able to "express" myself like I am able to in that particular club. So I connected freedom and control within society within the design of masculinity and femininity, and me feeling controlled of not being able to fully play with my gender identity -- because I defined freedom as being able to play around with how masculinity and femininity is defined within society -- as how certain things are considered feminine and some things are considered masculine. But I was actually existing within another effect based on how I gave meaning / value to gender identity, masculinity, femininity and reality -- which are just illusions that are presented a 'real' because we, as a collective, are participating within how we have defined these words in relation to ourselves and others. So I realized that I was existing within competition with women within the perspective of "I can be as feminine as females" based on the starting point of not having a relationship in my entire life with a female, so I informed myself that I will be my own female, and show women that I can be as feminine as them. Thus, the club that I was going to in the past was a club wherein I am able to freely express "femininity" / "gender transgression" -- because I got trapped in the illusion of femininity the more that I participated in it.
The other point of how I defined freedom -- was within not being involved in any more religions because if I didn't see a point as 'logical' or 'practical', I defined it as having a religious tone to it because I connected religion in itself as having lack of 'reason'. Thus, when my agreement partner informed me that my starting point was not a true starting point, I started seeing Desteni as a religion, and also because of a point that I brought up from the past when a person that I considered my "spiritual brother" when I was a Christian, ignored me while he was praying to God. At that time, I was seeing Christianity as having no clear practical, reasonable, sound integrity, but I gave it a chance.
So these are only a few points within this experience that make up the totality of how I was existing within this experience. So I was clearly not self-directive within this moment. I was existing within the past, and didn't consider what's best for all which is everything that is 'here' as decisions that are able to stand in, for, and as eternity -- decisions that are best for me, my agreement partner, and everyone else because within the participation within relationship patterns, accepts and allows the entirety of all relationships in existence to compound -- which new relationship patterns are created within me which also prolongs the opportunity to create a world that's best for all because in order to create a world that's best for all -- all relationship / patterns have to be forgiven and corrected -- to not allow oneself to move within and as the same patterns over and over again -- creating consequence after consequence -- never moving forward, but always remaining within one point for one's entire life!
So I am going to do self-forgiveness, I but I have to look at the point of freedom and control and what was the starting point of why I accept and allow myself to re-cycle within freedom and control because I realize that I keep time-looping (going back to this point within experiences re-living the point of freedom and control again and again.) So I realize that my first experience of 'control' was when I was young, I could not go into the refrigerator without asking my step-dad. Thus, that was the first control experience that I had. So I used this point and created a domino effect of it within other other experiences -- such as the experiences mentioned above. So the starting point wasn't only within the point of freedom and control, but also a point of surviving at the time -- to get food in my mouth. Thus, within the experiences mentioned above, I see that the reason that I, within my life, liked to rebel against what is considered 'normal' in society is because I connected society to the experience of not being able to freely go into the refrigerator. I wanted to get out of the point of control, and to be 'free' to do what I wanted to do -- which leads to the whole point of existing within competition with females as a projection of wanting a relationship where the female accepts my definition of freedom. So the whole point of not being able to acquire a female in a relationship is a point of feeling 'controlled', and not getting what I want, so I made myself into the image of how I wanted 'freedom' as expressing femininity so I can feel 'free', and projected that within competing against females and how females express femininity.
And with the point of religion, I connected also connected God to the experience of not being able to go into the refrigerator when I was a child, and saw religion as 'controlling' because of not being able to sin. The seven deadly sins are wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. Since I defined religion as a point of control within not being able to use 'reason' / 'logic', within my world and reality, I made logic something of a significance in my life which I defined as 'freedom'. I also began participating in things that were considered taboo by Christians such as Satanism, and the Ouija board. Although, I never got the Ouija board to work for me, I did buy a Satanic bible and read it, but threw it away twice because when I would read it, my head started feeling heavy and dizzy. I knew I wasn't being self-honest when I was reading it. It felt as though I was forcing myself to read it in order to make a statement about 'freedom' from within my mind. This was the same point when I was into transgressing gender roles. I wasn't being self-honest because I asked myself -- "What am I doing?" So now I realize that within my points of wanting to 'rebel' was actually me not taking self-responsibility to release the points from and within me of which I allow myself to exist within and as self-manipulation -- blaming society, my step-dad, and others for what I haven't taken self-responsibility for. This is why self-forgiveness is important -- to stop the creation of relationship patterns that one accepts and allows themselves to exist in for life -- never moving out of that one point that one defines themselves as out of self-interest which creates consequence individually and collectively -- compounding the abuse in this system, and prolonging the opportunity to bring about a world that's best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility within doing unconditional self-forgiveness, because I realize, that everything that I do is automated, and not really coming from a self-directive starting point / perspective — because in order for me to have a clear starting-point, I have to consider the entirety of myself within all experiences. I have to consider all of the relationship-patterns that I created from birth -- that created / initiated how I think, how I feel, how I move, what I say, etc., and so, it is for me to do self-forgiveness unconditionally -- to stop the creation of relationship patterns that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as for life -- never moving out of that one point that I defined into existence within me -- out of self-interest -- of which I thus, create consequence individually and collectively -- compounding the abuse in this system, and prolonging the opportunity to bring about a world that's best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when my agreement partner asked me what my starting point was for driving faster because Esteni’s Reaction Games on the Earth’s Journey to Life website because I wanted to be 'right' within what I told her that my starting point was instead of realizing that I was existing within knowledge and information -- interpreting a starting point based on logic, but not coming from a true starting point because I did not accept and allow myself look at / consider all of the relationships point that triggered the effect of making a logical decision. I didn't realize that by reacting, there is something that I am not directing equal to and one with what is 'here', because what is here is simply the words that are being said, and our physical bodies, but what is 'there' is the manifestation of relationship patterns in my mind that I connected to 'here' which I haven't directed -- of which I form a reaction to 'here' and think that it is 'me' that is 'here' that is reacting to what's being said.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by forming a reaction to a particular-specific 'experience' -- I am bring up relationship patterns within me that I haven't directed through self-forgiveness and corrective application, thus, I believe that it is me reacting when it is in-fact a product of knowledge and information that I use to interpret what is 'here' because I could not take self-responsibility to equalize myself with what is 'here' based on the participation within relationships that I have made 'real'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can transcend fear by driving fast instead of realizing that within that, I create another relationship-pattern and use that relationship pattern in my life as a point of manipulation -- of which I manipulate myself further into self-deception -- only seeing that which are the patterns of and as relationships patterns as what I have created myself to be, but not see the what is directly in front of me -- which is everything that is 'here' because I was stuck in a relationship-pattern, and use those patterns as knowledge and information 'trying' to make sense out of reality instead of actually 'seeing' reality for what and how it exists as -- within every sound and movement. Thus, it is for me to take self-responsibility as transcendence to apply self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to exist / participate in fear and correct myself accordingly so I don't time-cycle within it s a re-occurring experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as being able to do things without testing the starting point of it because of existing within laziness of not wanting to look at the starting point -- instead of realizing that laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So it is for me to find the self-judgment and really set myself 'free' because everything that I participate in that I define as freedom is a projection of this self-judgment. I realize that within this particular experience, I judged myself as not good enough -- because my desire to was to go to the club to see a particular drag queen that I liked because she looked 'more feminine' than me. So it was really a point of desiring to be accepted as both a transgender person, and a man that can treat a woman right, so I wanted to be 'special' in her presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in competition with females of wanting a female as a projection of wanting a relationship where the female accepts my definition of freedom because I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility in stopping the point of feeling 'controlled' -- as not getting what I want, so I made myself into the image of how I wanted ‘freedom’ -- as expressing femininity so I can feel ‘free’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became a slave of my experiences by not taking self-responsibility to stop all participation with that which have not directed in my life -- because I defined myself based on those experiences, thus, connect society to the experience of not being able to freely go into the refrigerator when I was a child, of which I create a future cycle of competing with females by copying how I saw femininity as -- as a projection of freedom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'freedom' to 'transgenderism' because I see 'transgenderism' as a point of rebelling against gender-roles -- which has become a re-cycled experience of the past in a different form -- seeing that I was not able to go into the refrigerator freely -- I made up for it through transgenderism -- instead of taking self-responsibility to apply unconditional self-forgiveness, because I realize, that everything that I do is automated, and not really coming from a self-directive starting point / perspective — because in order for me to have a clear starting-point, I have to consider the entirety of myself within all experiences. I have to consider all of the relationship-patterns that I created from birth -- that created / initiated how I think, how I feel, how I move, what I say, etc., and so, it is for me to do self-forgiveness unconditionally -- to stop the creation of relationship patterns that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as for life -- never moving out of that one point that I defined into existence within me -- out of self-interest -- of which I thus, create consequence individually and collectively -- compounding the abuse in this system, and prolonging the opportunity to bring about a world that's best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became a slave of my experiences by not taking self-responsibility to stop all participation with that which have not directed in my life -- because I defined myself based on those experiences, thus, connect society to the experience of not being able to freely go into the refrigerator when I was a child, of which I create a future cycle of competing with females by copying how I saw femininity as -- as a projection of freedom. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'freedom' to having a girlfriend because I see having a girlfriend as a point of freedom from my experiences that I defined myself into -- as it being difficult to acquire a girlfriend which has become a re-cycled experience of the past in a different form -- seeing that I was not able to go into the refrigerator freely -- I tried to make up for it through the desire have a girlfriend -- instead of taking self-responsibility to apply unconditional self-forgiveness, because I realize, that everything that I do is automated, and not really coming from a self-directive starting point / perspective — because in order for me to have a clear starting-point, I have to consider the entirety of myself within all experiences. I have to consider all of the relationship-patterns that I created from birth -- that created / initiated how I think, how I feel, how I move, what I say, etc., and so, it is for me to do self-forgiveness unconditionally -- to stop the creation of relationship patterns that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as for life -- never moving out of that one point that I defined into existence within me -- out of self-interest -- of which I thus, create consequence individually and collectively -- compounding the abuse in this system, and prolonging the opportunity to bring about a world that's best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became a slave of my experiences by not taking self-responsibility to stop all participation with that which have not directed in my life -- because I defined myself based on those experiences, thus, connect society to the experience of not being able to freely go into the refrigerator when I was a child, of which I create a future cycle of having an aversion for Christianity -- as a projection of control. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'control' to religion because I see religion as a collection of rules that doesn't make full sense, and so within that, desire to be logical in all at all costs in order to prove to myself that being logical is practical. -- instead of realizing that practicality is self-interest if the starting point is not a starting point that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within and as 'logic' -- to think that being logical is the answer because I did not consider what was best for all as actual practicality -- instead of realizing that without deconstructing all of the relationship patterns that I defined myself as in every moment, that logic becomes the 'product' of my self-dishonesty wherein I manipulate myself to form conclusions that are only best for some, but not best for all because I cannot possibly use knowledge and information to create a world that is best for all because I have used knowledge and information from this point, but could only interpret what's best for all because I never stood equal to and one with myself. I only stood equal to and one with my relationships, and could not see 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am in an 'experience' of my mom and dad within knowledge and information -- of which I super-impose knowledge and information as how I have created myself to be from watching my parents do what they do, and form an expression about myself based on that along with possessing my mom's and father's genes -- not realizing that everything that I experience is an 'outflow' of my parents, and without investigating who I am in every moment, I am only a puppet of what has already been accepted and allowed to exist within and as this world -- which has become the cornerstone of abuse.
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