There's a lot of times that we change our personalities to meet someone's personality integrity as how they think about us. This happened to me on 5/23/2012 when a particular center that we converse with everyday came to our work center to see / realize / understand the processes that we go to before escalating to them. Thus, they are the ones that we go to for certain issues that can only be resolved by them. There is this one person that I talk to almost on a daily basis when I call in to the general number. The person's personality calibrated to my personality almost immediately into someone that can pick on me for fun. There are no reactions within this, but I thus calibrated my personality to fit with hers to keep everything on a frivolous level.
The question is why did I do this? I did it because of fear -- fearing that if I exist in any other way / mood, I will hurt her feelings, and within this, I immediately accepted 'feelings' as something that is real. I also did this because of wanting to be 'accepted' her, thus, within this calibration, make my attitude towards her seem authentic. So on 5/23/2012, I didn't even realize that they were coming, and so I tried to hide "normal" personality, and act more 'lively / frivolous' -- knowing that my personality is really more conservative. I have to look at that point too. Why is my personality more conservative?
Everyday, there is a feeling of disgust that I feel within me -- because of how this world / reality / system is constructed. Thus, it is like a deep-seated anger that I carry with me everyday rather than it's inverse integrity as being exuberant. Even though there is a good reason to be angry in this world and reality, one has to realize that being angry at another person is simply a self-created anger projected onto and as another person within ego. The anger that I attribute is more of the anger as how we -- as a collective humanity has not stood up and done anything about changing the world / system in to a world / system that is 'best for all' -- which is of ego -- if I don't move / direct who I am in every moment. Thus, it is to realize for myself that without practically applying myself in every moment within/as self-corrective application, self-forgiveness, and re-birthing myself in every breath, then I am also existing within/as an ego / personality. So with this deep-seated anger, I have to also do self-forgiveness for that because there's obviously some subconscious / unconscious points there that I am not aware of at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the future -- binded by 'expectancy' of which I, within 'expectancy' exist in 'fear' that if I exist in any other way other than my starting-point of what created 'expectancy' within/as me -- that the circumstance will go 'wrong' -- because I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to circumstance wherein -- within this case, it was fearing that if I exist in any other way / mood other than how the relationships was created between me and the other party, I will hurt their feelings, and within this, I immediately accept 'feelings' as something that is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify who I am as a 'personality' within the feeling of 'anger' and to believe that even though I may have a legitimate reason for my anger, I justify it in every moment as I see everything within the mirror of 'anger' -- blinding myself from what is 'here' -- instead of realizing that that is how I manipulate myself into existing within/as emotions and feelings -- connecting an emotion or feeling to an event / circumstance, and making it legitimate as an excuse to not stand within and as every moment. Thus within this, I give life to the mind as emotions and feelings which becomes a point of self-sabotage and an abdication from birthing myself into the physical -- of which, who I really am is 'here', and any excuse to exist within a emotions or feelings as back-chat is self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why I don't have to take self-responsibility based on how I 'feel' because of having / finding a 'legitimate' reason to feel the way I do -- defining as 'reason' as a 'back door' as I manipulate myself in my world and reality to conform to that which consists of and as knowledge and information that gives me 'life' within and as the mind as all of my relationships conform to the starting-point of separation because I have not stood as the directive principle equal to and one with my acceptances and allowances as feelings and emotions -- that I have given the right to dictate me -- based on logic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting point of seeing 'feelings' as something that is 'real', and thus, believe that they can be 'hurt' by what I say to them because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and participate within 'feelings' -- which have become the integrity of how I exist based on wanting / desiring 'feelings' in my world and reality because I desire to be 'accepted'. So within desiring to be accepted, and to have a 'good' life filled with 'feelings' as a cover-up as how this world really functions as, I allow my feeling to get hurt into and as 'emotions' (negative feelings) of which I can mine for the creation of 'good feelings' -- because I didn't realize that in order to have 'good feelings', there has to be 'bad feelings' in order for my 'experiences' to turn those 'bad feelings' into 'good feelings' through particular specific words that I 'like' to hear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and and allowed myself to desire to meet someone's expectations because I like them in some way or another. In this case, I 'like' the certain person because of her lively attitude which I connected to my race, and all of the personality expressions that consists of and exist as my race as the 'black' culture -- empowering everything within me as how I see me within the black culture as -- and thus see myself as 'fitting more' into my culture based on her lively attitude that gave 'vibrance' to all of the knowledge and information that I consist of and exist as in relation to my culture. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the love for my culture -- the construct of the 'black' man, and the construct of the 'black' woman -- is all of the knowledge and information that constitute the expression that I give to a male or female physical body of African-American descent -- of which I make that knowledge and information 'alive' within me -- seeing it as something 'more-than' me because it is a 'reflection' of me of which I had to manipulate all relationships with people that are of African-American descent as the foundation for the continued existence of and as my knowledge and information ego-personality about the 'black' culture that I glorified.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to calibrate my personality to fit that of another because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as 'fear' of loss of loosing a relationship that I have created that was always contingent upon 'energy' as emotions and feelings that give the relationship 'life' -- of which I thus project life into and as another as I accept and allow the continued self-sabotage that I never face with self-honesty because I wanted to remain the personality within heightened illusions called feelings that I have given the privilege to dominate my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within anger without directing who I am in every moment, thus, within existing within anger without self-direction and corrective application, I accept and allow myself to exist within self-interest, therefore, promoting self-interest as what I believe and perceive myself to be -- instead of realizing that within promoting self-interest, I am / become a product of self-interest -- which is justified through and within anger -- that I make to have a 'good reason' for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive / manipulate myself within and as 'logic' -- using 'logic' to justify my anger (and all of my emotions and feelings) -- because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in them, and not question my starting point of which I become a slave to my starting point as self-dishonesty that I make / create as the integrity of who I believe I am as what I do or how I feel.
I commit myself to question the starting point of everything that I do whether I am self-honest within what I do and thus, not participate within that which I sabotage myself within and as.
I commit myself to not be engineered by relationships of where I have to calibrate my personality to fit another's personality -- in order to please them because of the fear of hurting them -- because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as emotions and feelings that I have generated within/as me of which I believed is who I am -- never questioning who I am in relation to how I 'feel', thus, robbing my awareness of what's really going on in the world for a fantasy reality in and as the mind.
I commit myself to stop the separation of me into different personalities in order to please others.
I commit myself to see/realize/understand how I created the integrity of who I am as a 'personality' based on color / culture, and how I created / participated in internal conversations, reactions, knowledge and information, and relationships based on how 'color' as the integrity of 'race' and culture is presented, and to stop all participation of and as color / culture which I specialized for my own benefit of staying alive as a 'personality' -- because I didn't want to face the death of me as 'personality', thus I created labyrinths of energetic points / perspectives / participations to protect my idea of who I am as a black man in relation to the black culture.
I commit myself to realize that the participation within emotions and feelings regardless of the legitimacy is me existing within/as an idea that I manifested within knowledge and information of how I interpreted myself existing in and as an experience, in separation, making that experience 'more-than' or 'less-than' me, and using polarity to create the illusion of balance / equilibrium.