On 5/16/2011 at the end of the day, my agreement partner and I decided to listen to "Reptilians - Facing The Question of 'Who I Am' - Part 36" which basically talks about the relationship between 'the decision', and the question "Who am I?" and why do we even have to ask the question "Who am I?". I was about bedtime for me as it was almost 1:00 AM CST. She asked me if I was going to listen to it tonight, and I informed her that I'm going to sleep. Within that moment, I felt a point of control because I knew what was about to happen. I informed her that I will listen to it this weekend when I have more time because it's getting late. It was work day for me next day and I wanted to get a sufficient amount of sleep. And then I reacted when she told me to do a blog about it, and the reason that I am existing within not wanting to listen to it sooner. I felt that I was valid in my approach that I was going to listen to it this weekend because I had to be at work tomorrow. And then she informed me that it is not my 'doingness' that she is looking at -- as per going to sleep to go to work tomorrow, but my 'beingness' -- as who am I within what I said. Initially, there were no reactions until she told me to do a blog because there was no reason to blog about this point. I made the decision to listen to it this weekend because of having to go to work the next day. She then informed me that even though I can't see points, or in other words, even though I might believe I am right, rather than reacting when doing a blog, is to ask myself who am I in this very moment? What am I accepting and allowing myself to be and become in relation to this moment? So thus, I know that I am holding on to patterns of wanting to be 'right', and patterns of 'control'. Why is it that I'm trying to be 'right' in my process? What is it that I am controlling within me that presents the illusion of another controlling me?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be 'right' in my process because I have connected being 'right' to being 'perfected' within and as my process. Thus from the starting point of wanting to be 'right' I accept and allow myself to exist within the point of judging myself as 'imperfect' or being 'wrong', and masquerade that self-judgment of being 'imperfect' to being 'right' when I believe I have transcended something in my process such as writing a blog -- instead of realizing that I am existing 'separate' from my process, separate from my own blogs, separate from my agreement partner, and separate from the moment 'here' of which I manifest within myself 'achievement' as trying to win/'accomplish self-realization as the 'nothingness' within defining myself within 'loss'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own blogs, and to believe that when I do a blog, I am 'in process' -- instead of realizing that my blog is simply showing me what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the 'mirror' of me, but it is within the application process of self-correction that let's me know if I have transcended a particular point, or holding on to the point in order to keep the 'personality/ego' in-tact of which I believe I am, and it is within this point of ego/personality that I have separated myself from my own blogs because of having a resistance to do process based on not being equal to and one with it -- within the realization that 'process' is simply 'me', and what I walk daily within my life and whether or not I am 'real' within that 'walk' or existing in self-sabotage within and through self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the point of being imperfect / wrong because I judged myself within my process of deconstructing all of the relationship patterns within myself (as thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, beliefs, etc.) and see myself as subject to these points as 'energy' -- of which I, within existing within defining myself as 'imperfect', I realize that I have not been effective within the point of stopping this relationship that creates the relationship of wanting to be 'right' within my process, and within this point of not being 'effective' -- create 'friction' within me as I masquerade within the illusion of 'perfection' externally -- as my 'internal' reality remain undirected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist 'separate' from time within the decision to listen to "Reptilians - Facing The Question of 'Who I Am' - Part 36" later on because of the point of 'waiting' -- of which I become a slave of events and circumstances within and as time as 'past' and 'future' -- creating relationships with relationships that don't even exist yet or creating relationships with relationships that have existed in the past -- of which I use to superimpose all that is here as 'immediacy' -- instead of applying immediacy as what is 'here', and as what I have not realized about myself because I didn't take the chance to stop, breathe, and realize that I am 'here', thus, not apply self-forgiveness for 'waiting' of which I correct my 'beingness stance' (as my starting point) -- making a decision from who I am within and as immediacy as all that only exists.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have become enslaved by time -- as the manifested particle as 'illusion' -- that is measured by the mass in which experiences are created 'in separation' based on time, as time has become the reality of which I create my personality and relationships from -- instead of realizing that immediacy is 'here', and that the more that I exist within time, the more I create consequences as time-loops as reflections of my decisions that I make from the starting point of the mind within thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, beliefs, memories, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within time, thus, create a point of control within me wherein I am controlling myself based on my decision that I made within time, and to see the decisions that I made as points of self-direction because I am placing events in a future time wherein I am able to direct those moments -- of which I within this point, abdicate myself from what is 'here' for the sake of creating relationships with events that hasn't even happened yet. Thus, within this 'planning' see myself as being 'in control' of my life, and when I see that someone is 'going against' that, I react -- because I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider what is here as 'immediacy' -- that the mind cannot relate to -- being that there is no point of reference wherein I am able to establish a decision that I can exist within a 'controlled' point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistance of doing blogs because I see the point of writing blogs as me being 'wronged' within a specific perspective -- because I have created the 'idea' that I have corrected myself in the 'past' within my process, thus, exist within the 'past' and not what is 'here', thus, see the point of me having to write a blog as me being 'wronged' -- instead of realizing that when I try to be 'right' and 'wrong', I know that I am existing within point that I haven't directed -- in this case, putting 'perfection' into a 'picture' of and as what I believe and perceive 'perfection' to be as 'not having to write anymore blogs' in this case -- being that I am 'separate' from writing, separate from perfection, and separate from all that exists -- existing in a future setting that is not real and connecting the point of 'not having to write any more blogs' to 'perfection'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'not having to write any more blogs' to 'perfection' because I put perfection in to this picture, and see my process as a 'linear' process of trying to 'get somewhere' that only exists within my own mind -- instead of realizing that everything is 'here'; process is here, and the point of self-realization is 'here' within and as every breath of self-forgiveness, and once I let go of 'there' as all of the relationships that I created within the moment of 'here' -- bring myself back to 'here' of which I realize that all of the relationships that I created was simply me trying to exist 'out there' somewhere to create the illusion of 'life' through 'energy'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the resistance to do a blog because of the belief of being 'right' is in-fact -- me participating in 'energy' that I perceived as 'real', thus, see my idea of what is means to be 'here' (as perfection) -- as 'real' based on the relationship with the 'energy that I created within and as me -- instead of realizing that I am existing within separation from what is 'really here' for the sake of desiring that which I already am -- I just have to realize it within me because -- from this point of separation, I formed a relationship to my idea of self-realization wanted to 'become' that rather than applying self-forgiveness and realizing that there is nowhere that I need to 'get' to, but that everything is 'here' as me, and that I have the tools available to me already of which I am able to use to effectively stop all relationship patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as as manifested 'personality'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that blogs are there to assist and support me to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become no matter where I am in process because my blogs are me, thus, it is to assist and support myself to be effective in my writing within my blogs, and to also to apply myself practically as the practical application of my direction and commitments that I make within my writings. To have a reaction from writing blogs prove that I haven't effectively established my starting point of writing blogs, thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the starting point of writing my blog from withing being 'wronged' and trying to 'right' myself from the 'personality' perspective so I can become 'more than' who I was before I wrote the blogs -- instead of realizing that right and wrong are the illusions of the mind trying to interpret what it means to self-realize by using relationships as words and pictures to try to define self-realization in a coherent way that the mind can use within and as 'personality', and thus, justify points in my process that I see as necessary, or unnecessary within the existence of time and energy.
I commit myself to -- when I am faced with resistance of assisting and supporting myself within my process of deconstructing the relationships patterns that I created within and as myself -- giving me the 'idea' of who I am as 'personality', I realize that within this 'resistance' is in-fact, me existing within a 'personality' that I have justified through 'logic' and use that logic to bring me out of immediacy into time as 'past' and 'future' in which I make decisions through 'logic' within a future setting that I am able to 'control' -- rather than realizing that everything is 'here', and that actual time is immediacy of which when I apply myself effectively within 'immediacy' -- leaves no room to form relationships based on 'energy' as 'control' within and as 'time' creating consequence as 'time-loops'.