Day 22 | Comfortability Matrix

On the morning of 5/14/2012, I had a dream that I was outside. Strangely I never went inside, but remained outside looking for cool air because it was hot everywhere. Me and my agreement partner talked about the dream, and then the dream was dissected. I was asked what I was searching for because the point of searching for something indicates a point of separation, and thus, trying to find fulfillment somewhere else -- such as in relationships or some other factor. Thus, I realized that, according to dissecting the dream, that I am searching for comfortability -- which is exactly how I've been feeling for the past few days -- wanting that comfortability so I can be 'comfortable' as the 'personality' within this world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfortability -- to not want to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, but rather exist within what I perceive as comfortability within/as the patterns that I created through and within relationships with other patterns (as people) that I interact with to form new relationships and patterns that supports and defines who I am as a limited 'personality'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider anyone else but my feelings about being uncomfortable where I am at in my life because I am not getting what I want, and thus, rather accept the pain, the turmoil, the sorrow, the negligence, the abuse, etc. in this world just for my sake of existing and being happy and fulfilled within all of my relationships that make me happy as a person of which I define as my 'expression'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose what I believe and perceive to be my 'expression' in this world and reality over that which is life -- because I existed and developed the 'me' within this world and reality -- that I defined as life -- that abuses for the sake of wanting to be fulfilled through pictures that represent the patterns that I have formed and conformed to from a very young age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my childhood life was pure -- where I deliberately sabotaged myself and called my childhood personality my 'actual' expression that I believe I 'lost' because I 'lost' that comfortability as not being able to relate the current patterns within this world and reality to comfortability because everything in this reality is now pain and abuse. Thus, not being able to relate to the patterns of this world -- find relationships in 'small' places where I am able to relate to myself -- in which I remove myself from the majority for the sake of a fantasy reality that can never come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'picture' that I was as a child to 'expression' -- because of the child being an 'innocent' manifestation, and thus, desire that innocence as the memories, ideas, thoughts, patterns, etc. that constituted me as a child -- of which I create memories, ideas, thoughts, patterns, etc. that conform to my childhood personality, and connect those memories, ideas, thoughts, patterns, etc. to my present existence as an adult -- of which I sabotage myself for the sake of patterns that are not real, but that which is created by the mind in separation. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see/realize/understand that everything that I create from separation, I create as separation -- giving 'power' to that which I created 'over' me because I was never equal and one to it, thus, give power to all of my memories, ideas, thoughts, patterns, etc. that I created within a relationship of desiring the child personality that I once was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion of comfortability within that which makes me feel good, and thus create a purpose to achieve everything that makes me feel good of which I call, 'success' -- instead of realizing that comfortability only exists because of the pain, sorrow, and abuse within this world that has been accepted and allowed to exist by our very own hands, as creators, of which we collectively made the decision to abuse each other because of the fear of losing that which we have gained out of self-interest -- which is the creations by the very patterns that constitute who we are as slaves to possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within comfortability within relationships with females -- who gives me a sense of fulfillment -- because I defined myself 'separate' from the female, thus desire to acquire / exist within -- all of the patterns that constitute the definition of a female so that I can feel good that I expounded my scope of deception as 'personality' looking for a 'nut' to feed on and store it within my tree of knowledge of good and evil -- manifested as 'energy' that grows to become the image and likeness of God as the System.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within comfortability within relationships with men -- of which I  expounded on my tree of knowledge of good and evil -- acquiring the 'fruit' that I need to be an effective personality of a 'man' in this world -- filling myself up with the 'good' as that which makes me comfortable being the 'ego' of a man -- ignoring the 'evil' of this world that I abdicated for the sake of self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from that which is me -- that I made the decision, collectively, to support -- which is a foundation of abuse, and within that, exist within relationships that of which I made it the point in my life as self-fulfillment -- fulfilling all of my relationship desires -- because I believed relationships to be the life of me of which I abdicated the life as me for a life of illusion where I can do anything and be anything. This is how all of us have been taught within this world and reality -- that the sky is the limit, but I haven't realized that when money is the dictator of everything that we do, how can the sky be the limit if the starting point is what is 'best for all'?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek happiness within comfortability instead of realizing that happiness is an illusion, presently -- because we have created this existence in a way wherein abuse has become the foundation of our living manifestation within existence. Thus, it is my responsibility -- equal to and one with all of existence to stop what has been accepted and allowed as the patterns that have become the comfortability of abuse, and to bring about a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the patterns that I participate daily to comfortability, and not want to get out of it because I made these patterns of me that I define as my 'personality' real -- of which I exist in a bubble reality that conforms to my 'expression' as a 'personality' because I controlled my existence to only existing within a couple of 'experiences' that I defined as 'reality' out of the entire existential reality made up of parts that are not equal, but are abused daily for the sake of others to have 'peaceful' lives (in the name of comfortability).

I commit myself to stop existing within/as that which is not real as 'comfortability' which gives me the illusion of the ability to be free from the pain and abuse within this world that is the foundation of who we all are -- because when one is in pain, everyone is responsible, thus, I commit myself to take self-responsibility to bring about a world that is best for all by doing what is necessary to be done to rebirth myself into/as 'patterns' that are the foundation of what is best for all life -- instead of hiding in patterns that constitute to only my self-interested affairs.

I commit myself to realize that my memories, ideas, thoughts, patterns, etc. are not the life of me, but that I have given them life because I believed that I wasn't life, so needed life as 'energy' to give me the experience of being alive -- so within this, I fight to keep my energy alive barricading all of that -- that doesn't support me as a personality to be free within my comfortability that only I can exist in because I defined comfortability within self-interest, and never thought about comfortability as constructive decision-making to bring forth equal ability for all to have a dignified life manifesting actual comfortability as equality.