Day 18 | Using ‘Interpretation’ to Validate Me as a ‘Personality’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'rough' based on how society has defined a man as, and thus, perceive myself 'separate' from that which I perceive 'opposite' of 'rough' as 'softness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within perceiving myself 'separate' from softness, believe that I can 'become softness' by acting 'more feminine.

I forgive myself that I have not given that 'softness' to me which I connected to 'nurturing', thus use being 'kind' to others as a projection of 'nurturing', of which I abdicated myself from developing myself within time -- through and as the process of stopping the mind as 'self-nurturing'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being 'feminine' is in-fact what I used as a point of attempting to align all of my self-judgments -- using the 'personality' of being 'feminine' within what I do to correct another personality of judging myself as 'not coordinated enough', and 'having lack of common-sense'. Thus, within using the 'personality' of being 'feminine', I support that which I believe I am stopping within another form as that which I judged as 'more than' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that which I define as 'more than' me to correct that which I perceive myself as 'less than', thus, supporting my own deceptions within another form of which I believe I am correcting -- remaining the personality in self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'feminine' to the word 'soft'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'soft' to the word 'healing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'soft' to the word 'nurturing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being more 'feminine' / 'motherly' when I am helping people, thus, use that judgment as a point of seeing myself as 'more than' --  to compensate for me defining myself as 'less than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as 'less than' through and within how I defined myself within this world and reality based on 'relationships' with people that I reacted to within how I saw myself as a 'personality', thus, seeing that I need to have more 'coordination' in this world and reality -- and use 'helping others' as a point of specializing myself to make others seem 'less than' because they couldn't help themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being 'feminine' as having 'coordination', thus, use sources that I defined as 'feminine sources' (physical gestures, clothes, cosmetics, etc.) to hide that -- which I have not taking self-responsibility for -- which is the stopping of the participation within self-judgment as 'coordination' and 'no coordination'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'rough' to the word 'crude'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'crude' to having 'lack of intelligence'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'crude' to having little or no coordination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'experience' of being in the Army (in basic training) -- reacting to one of my peers when he informed me that I wasn't coordinated enough -- to being 'feminine'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'feminine' to the words 'less than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'feminine' to the word 'slave'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'feminine' to the word 'submissive'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'masculine' to having 'coordination'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see 'rough' as male as 'less than', and being 'masculine' as a male as 'more than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the 'experience' of being with my uncle, and him telling me that I have no common-sense to being 'feminine', thus, desire to be 'more than' (as having common-sense) as being a 'real' man through the acquisition of knowledge and information -- that I use to compensate for common-sense -- which I connected to 'street logic'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having 'street logic' is being a 'real' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the definitions created by society, and to believe that those definitions are what I should 'become' in this world and reality to validate myself as an 'acceptable' man.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the definitions that society defines within/as the foundation of 'personalities' are created out of self-judgment, and thus, use self-judgment to create and express the personality that I created myself to be because I didn't trust my own expression, thus, leaned to society to search for the 'picture' of how society views the 'acceptable' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having 'street logic' is having 'common-sense' in this world and reality, thus, accumulate knowledge and information in the world -- to be 'smart' the itinerary to be a 'real' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to please other men in this world through my physical body gestures (swagger) that I defined as 'cool' to make me appear as an 'acceptable' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within what is 'acceptable' and 'not acceptable' because I didn't trust myself as an 'expression' 'here'  -- thus, developed my own personality out of other personalities' perceptions of what is acceptable to be the 'perfect personality' for effective relationships that I defined as 'more than' me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect logic and reason to being sound in my judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'intelligence' because I connected intelligence to being a 'real man' so that I can 'surpass' my uncle's 'intelligence', and the coordination that I perceived my military peer in basic training to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being logical and reasonable in this world and reality creates stability within/as me, thus, seek this stability and connect it to my process, and thus, sabotage myself within logic and reason because I connected logic and reason to my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more 'intelligent' I am, the more I am able to be effective in my process based on the trust that I have formed with myself within 'reason' and 'intelligence' because I defined 'reason' within having the quality to 'make sense'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'process' is about making sense out of everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that trying to make sense out of things is the 'personality' trying to make sense out of things within interpretation -- of which I used all of my life to create the definition of what I believe a 'real' man is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within 'interpretation', and thus, create more 'personalities' when I do make sense out of things -- becoming even more 'fucked' because I validated 'interpretation' within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself within the mind through interpretation -- making that which I have defined into existence 'real' through interpretation -- of which I validate the personality of who I am within masculinity, femininity, knowledge and information, common-sense, and coordination.

I commit myself to stop all points of interpretation of that which I use to perfect who I am as a 'personality' trying to fit into what is acceptable and not acceptable in this world and reality.

I commit myself to stop all points of that which creates the masculinity and femininity constructs in this world and reality -- which I perceive as 'real' because it has become something that is 'normal' in this world, thus, limiting myself within specific gestures, behaviors, clothing, etc. to become  the 'perfect' personality within gender identity.