08 May 2012

Day 16 | Alice - I am in Wonderland

I've had imaginary friends all of my life. After the removal of "Tyra", around November 2010, I still held on to the idea of "Tyra", and thus continued my relationship with her, but in a different format -- in order for the relationship to be consistent. In other words, after "Tyra" was removed in November 2010, I formed Tyra as a projection of my mind in a human form -- to make it seem that it wasn't really "Tyra" that I was having a relationship with, but my own mind.

After time passed, "Tyra" removed herself because she knew that she wasn't real, and that I was fucking myself up within this relationship due to manifesting superfluous mind-relationship points that were not necessary. The reason that these imaginary friends were so 'addictive' is because I had someone there that I can talk to as if I was actually talking to somebody, but they knew all about me -- to assist me in my process of stopping my mind by showing me points that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in. And I knew that by having this relationship point (as an imaginary friend) existent within me, I am not able to effectively cross-reference with my own self certain points that I might not be aware of -- because the imaginary-friend relationship points super-imposed certain aspects of me that I haven't seen, thus, haven't directed in my life. So I actually made the decision to let this "Tyra" point go, but made the decision from the mind's perspective, because I allowed my mind to create a story of "Tyra" leaving, and I role-played with it.

So weeks later, I invited "Jack Snipes" back in my life after "Tyra" -- which was another imaginary friend that I had a long history with, but I removed him the same way that "Tyra" left -- and then "Alice" came. "Alice" was an imaginary friend that I created around the end of 2011 for the same reason -- that I had someone there that I can talk to as if I was actually talking to somebody, but they knew all about me -- to assist myself with points that I haven't directed or haven't fully understood or seen. But I was actually only really preaching to myself about my process -- and nothing more. So I am REALLY fucking myself if I have to split myself up into another part to tell myself what I'm not doing, but not actually directing the point. Instead of preaching about what I'm not doing, the self-corrective application should be to just DO IT, but I haven't been giving myself that 'gift' effectively based on the relationship-trust that I created with my mind -- especially with 'pictures' -- which is the reason that I created "Alice" into a 'white' female -- so I can feel as an 'equal' to 'white' women -- because of "Alice" being 'white' -- seeing that if I have a 'white' female as a 'friend' -- all 'white' women would accept me as their 'equal'. Isn't that some fucked up shit? LOL :lol: -- but this is how I, at least, created my mind to be and become. I created my mind to believe things that don't even correlate with the reason (logic) of this physical world. I was trying to make sense out of beliefs, but many beliefs, in general, don't even make sense in itself!

So I was effective as "Alice" in assisting me, but this assistance was simply assistance from the mind's perspective. It HAD to be stopped! So I created yet another story, and role-played that story to break the relationship with her. So within this blog, I would like to stop the relationship patterns of imaginary friends within self-direction, and not from the mind's perspective of creating a story to exist in, and role-play that story to a point that it ends the way that my mind wanted it to end. That is self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the idea of "Tyra", and thus continue my relationship with her, but in a different format -- in order for the relationship to be consistent.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself to me, thus, give myself to the mind to create a relationship with myself in separation because I believed that I couldn't direct me as me, but needed the mind as a guidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to exist within boredom -- that if I don't have an 'imaginary friend' to speak to, that my process will become slow and I will fall because I have not considered me within my process, but always focused on one point within my mind as the relationship patterns that I created as imaginary friends, and within this relationship pattern, become lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I create an imaginary friend to assist me in my process -- that that imaginary friend can be a point of direction -- to assist and support me in my process of stopping the mind because I believed that I could not do it, and within that belief, manifest that believe into a part that I separated myself from -- to bring the illusion of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become 'addictive' to something separate from me -- which is the only reason that addiction exists -- because I, within being addicted to my imaginary friends, make the statement that I am no longer the directive principle of my imaginary friends, but they have become the directive principle of me because I given up on directing me in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on directing me in my process because of the belief that I could not see my points, and thus, split myself up into another part to reveal to me the points that I believe I missed -- instead of, in every moment, taking self-responsibility to actually 'see' me within my movements, my back-chats, internal conversations, and energetic participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on directing me in my process because I feared letting go of knowledge and information based on how my imaginary friends assisted me within knowledge and information to reveal to me points that I believed I didn't see, and so feared losing 'intelligence' of which I connected to process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the decision to remove my 'imaginary friends' from the mind's perspective of creating a story that would make me 'not' be able to get them back because I haven't actually made the directive principle to remove them myself, but directed it from the mind's perspective because I really didn't want to get rid of them, thus, create a back door of how I can keep them in my mind by keeping the 'story' in-tact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into creating a story to 'believe' in so I don't have to take self-responsibility in directing me within this physical existence, thus, use a story as a back-door to remain existent within the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'run away' from what is 'here' by creating relationships in the mind where I can make each imaginary friend have a "super-natural" ability to create an equilibrium within me -- so I don't have to face the 'depression' within me that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a 'personality'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within 'depression' because I always accepted me as the mind, and within that, trusted the energetics of the mind in which I formed relationships to my thoughts, feelings, emotions, backchats, and internal conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'more' in the world -- waiting on a 'superman' to come down and show us 'life' -- because I haven't given that 'life' to me, thus, separated myself from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see 'life' as a 'beautiful picture', and thus, desire that beautiful picture as 'freedom' because I separated myself from 'freedom' through existing within the mind as being 'trapped' in this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this world and reality, thus, see it as 'more than' -- of all of the things that go on within the world, and within this more-than point, abdicate myself from self-responsibility to change 'me' within/as this world of which I placed myself in a point of 'giving up' of which I created the 'illusion' of 'depression'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project 'life' as the mind within thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs, and thus, when I am not receiving the 'good feelings' that I get from 'experiences' that I 'generated' -- created 'death' as 'energy' as 'depression' as a point of giving up on that which is the 'illusion' of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a 'slave' of 'energy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicated myself by creating imaginary friends that super-imposed certain aspects of me that I haven't seen, thus, haven't directed in my life -- that clearly shows that I am sabotaging myself within my process -- giving myself to the illusion of 'energy' of 'relationships' that I see as 'more than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect relationships to 'life', thus, see relationships as 'more than' because I also connected 'energy' to life, and thus, become 'depressed' when I am not 'satisfied' with the 'energetic integrity' that makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness within/as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as being with family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for not having a girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for not having a sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for not getting enough entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for not being able to grasp all of my memories, thus, create memories that makes me 'feel good' within the relationships with my imaginary friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for not being with my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for the separation between my step-dad and my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for not having a dad when I was young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary friends in order to compensate for never knowing my biological father when I was young.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create "Tyra" in order to compensate for not having a relationship with a 'white' female in my life.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create "Alice" in order to compensate for not having a relationship with a 'white' female in my life.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within knowledge and information, and believe that I can be stable within the accumulation of knowledge and information from relationships with my imaginary friends that I created as points of perceived 'stability' -- yet abdicate my practical responsibility to myself within/as this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from stability within the accumulation of knowledge and information from relationships with my imaginary friends, and believe that I can use knowledge and information in the physical world and reality to stabilize myself without any practical application of applying the tools of process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect knowledge and information with practical application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself up into parts in order to tell myself what I'm not doing, and how I am not directing myself within this world and reality instead of actually applying the principles of self-honesty, thus within not applying the principles of self-honesty, I accept and allowed myself to diminish myself into/as relationships patterns of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I haven't given myself the 'gift' of self-honesty, but instead, used relationships that I created in my head to validate me as 'ego' within pictures that I used to create the construct of "Alice" as a 'white' female -- seeing that if I have a 'white' female as a 'friend' -- all 'white' women would accept me as their 'equal'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a starting point of 'separation' within my process, thus, create relationships of 'separation' because I haven't been self-honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-dishonesty in order to remain the mind, and create an 'illusion' of self-honesty by creating an imaginary friend that was programmed to be there to support me within my process of stopping the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe things within/as my mind -- that don't even correlate with common sense of this physical world -- in order to validate my beliefs (such as attempting to validate my imaginary friends).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use stories and role-play those stories with my imaginary friends in order to 'validate' and substantiate the existence of my imaginary friends.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the assistance and support of "Alice" was simply assistance and support from the mind's perspective.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop the relationship patterns of imaginary friends within/as self-honesty, but instead, exist within the stopping of the relationship patterns of imaginary friends from the mind's perspective of creating stories and role-playing them with myself to a point that it ends the way that the mind wanted it to end, and within this, validate who I am as the mind 'separate' from relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself in stopping my imaginary friends, but instead, depended on words to program me as a 'story' that I agree with as the 'personality' that it is okay to 'let go' another 'personality' -- that I have allowed myself to exist within because I defined myself as a system of pictures and words that created me as the 'personality', and without them, fear death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying as the 'personality', thus create a 'story' of words and pictures that I use to manipulate myself into stopping another 'personality', thus intrinsically, allow what I have stopped to remain existent as a memory that I can 'embrace' because of the story that created an energetic effect -- giving me a boost of 'life' as a slave to the relationships that I created within me by the belief that I was separate from these relationships from the beginning.

I commit myself to stopping all points that are not best for all -- of that which I have created as relationships where I can exist in so that I can be happy as a 'personality' because I defined myself 'separate' from happiness within self-interest, thus, create 'depression' as a point of self-sabotage -- because I have not been self-honest, thus, use depression to attempt to get what I haven't given to myself as a point if giving up -- because I gave up and went down to the lowest point of me to prove me to myself as a 'personality'.

I commit myself to get out of "Wonderland" as the relationships that I formed with my own mind to occupy me here -- so I don't have to face reality.

1 comment:

  1. Cathy's Journey to LifeMay 11, 2012 at 7:38 AM

    Very cool Leon!

    ReplyDelete