I had a dream about a girl that I have been attracted to for a long time. Within our lives, we would run into each other at random times. I wanted a relationship with her, but the only point that was stopping me from having a relationship with her is her religion. In high school, she wasn't very religious, but became more religious over the years. I was, at one point, walking the same religion at the time -- which was Christianity, but I got out of it eventually. I ended up being a Destonian which is not a name of a religion, but rather a label for a group of people who thoroughly research and investigate the essence of what it means to be a responsible human being. And what does it mean to be responsible? It is being responsible for all aspects of oneself that self has accepted and allowed to exist within/as their own mind which creates the reality that one lives. And what is the reality that one is living? It is the reality of the past. We can see from up to this point that the only thing that is constantly and continuously manifesting in the past is the consequences that all of us have collectively manifested up until this point -- which are only manifestations of abuse. Thus, the more that we cycle into/as 'abuse', it is all that we will be in this world and reality. Thus, taking responsibility means to stop the acceptances and allowance that self has accepted and allowed to exist as these cycles of abuse manifested within/as the mind -- which means that we have to stop our minds, and 'rebirth' ourselves into a self that only acts within the context of what is best for all. Because anything that is not 'best for all' is abusive in every way. Thus, this is a process of practical real self-realization.
When I even let a desire for this girl manifest within me, especially within a dream, I know that I have not effectively directed that point in my life, thus, subconsciously / unconsciously-physically, this point tacitly drives my desire for particular specific points in this world that are reflections of what I haven't stopped. For instance with this particular female, I see particular females as aggressive, and connect that aggressiveness with responsibility, thus, judge them as already have taken responsibility in their lives. Now this judgment is actually a self-judgment that is saying that I haven't taken responsibility in certain points in my life, thus, project that not taking self-responsibility onto/as a female that I am attracted to, that I judge as 'more than' me because of the belief that they have taken self-responsibility. Another point is projecting self-responsibility into a form of a muscular female, and desire a female with muscles because I judged them as responsible women.
So the attraction with this particular female is because of my anger towards all other women that I see as 'not responsible', and seeing that I haven't taken self-responsibility in a certain aspect of my life. I was looking for responsibility within another person because I haven't taken responsibility in certain areas of my life, and because I looked within my own mind and trusted my own 'personality' to as what responsibility represents within my mind.
What does responsibility represent in my mind? It represents competition -- in competing with myself to be in a relationship with a female because I deemed that females in general want a man that's responsible, so I made myself responsible in order to please females. I made myself responsible within the area of perfecting myself in every way so that I can obtain a female for a relationship, and I see that sometimes, I still exist within this pattern within anger of judging females as 'less than' because of the lie that I put myself in in order to please others. Now that I see that I was only manipulating myself within this desire, so that I simply have sex with not just the female, but with the manifestation of competition which was the engine of my deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-competition because I never gave that which I competed for to myself which was taking self-responsibility to stop all cycles of the mind existent as the integrity of all particles of past relationships that I defined myself as, thus, the past relationships manifested as the particle of self-competition in which I was competing from a starting point of limitation as the 'personality' -- believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' another personality that I perceived to be 'more than' within the realm of responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse 'responsibility' by using using responsibility with a personality identity of wanting to become an equal to that which I perceive as 'more than' me because I haven't taken self-responsibility to stop all cycles of the mind as the cycles of the past that I have formed relationships to creating the integrity of my personality that I believe and perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider who I really am within the context of what is 'here', and what I am accepting and allowing myself to be and become, thus abuse who I really am for the sake of pleasing others that I perceive myself separate from.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the very fact that I am attracted to the female that I had a dream about is because I see her as 'more than' other females that I have judged for my sake of finding the 'perfect' female that I am able to be pleased by, and that I am able to 'feel good' in their presence which is in-fact an abdication actual responsibility because it's not physical, but rather a mind-fuck that I use to manipulate myself into a compartmentalized reality -- not considering anyone else, but my own pleasures.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that every relationship of desire is an actual compartmentalization of physical reality into a mind reality that I can lock myself up into an array good feelings because I have feared who I really am as one and equal as all, and fear taking self-responsibility to stop the cycle of my own self-interests that I form into competition, judgement, and jealousy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can actually compete with another, and that I can actual be jealous, and judge another, thus manifest the illusion of judging other females a 'not responsible' because I abused responsibility and formed responsibility into competition -- competing with myself in order to create myself in a way wherein females would be satisfied with me so that I can be fulfilled within sex with a female that believed was 'responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the word responsibility onto a physical form of a female with muscles because I connected exercised to responsibility, and within this, believe that any female with muscles are responsible for what they have accepted and allowed themselves to be and become, thus, place myself within a 'less than' status to please them -- so that I can have a relationship with them and specialize my relationship as 'more than' based on the illusion of responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire females that I have judged as 'responsible' because it is in-fact desiring actual responsibility in itself -- because I have separated myself from actual responsibility and defined it within the mind's perspective as 'competition' in order to calibrate my self-dishonest tactics for the sake of obtaining a female that can fulfill my pleasures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a relationship where I can exist within 'good feelings' because I have abdicated who I am within this physical reality for the sake of a mind's reality. I could not handle the physical consequences as what is 'here', thus, placed myself within a mind's reality of which I perceive forms, shapes, and colors separate from me, and having to form a goal to go and obtain that which I believe I am separate from as the search for my own happiness -- no matter how much I have abused myself within the search for an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the consequences of'/as me in order to exist within good feelings that I search for within the 'quest' to obtain that which I deliberately separated myself from. And within the quest for the search for love, and pleasure, I abdicate all that is here in the physical, and abdicate actual responsibility to get my fix of self-satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within feelings and emotions that blind me from the actual truth of what I have accepted and allowed to exist, and thus, chase the mind as illusions that I exist within to create an illusion of fulfillment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a form, shape, and color to responsibility and judge all other forms, as 'less than' -- even if there is actually someone in this world and reality that is taking actual responsibility to do what is best for all -- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge them as 'less than' because they don't have the 'form' of which I connected to responsibility as a form that is muscular and shapely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself less than form, shape, and color, thus connect personalities onto form, shape and color, and thus, judge another individual based on the kind of form, shape, and color they have.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that desiring the girl in my dream that I have been attracted to for a long time is a desire for something 'special' -- because I judged her as special within an illusion that I define as masculine, and connect that masculine personality to a personality that takes initiative in this world. But the only reason that this desire existed is because I perceived all other females as 'less than'. I was angry at myself because I desired a female that was 'responsible', but that desire only existed because I desired fulfillment, and projected it onto females. And when I found a female that I considered 'more than', I became 'happy' and fulfilled. The question is what were we going to do once we get into a relationship? What is actual responsibility? Actual responsibility is doing what is best for all, and I did not consider that in a relationship because I was seeking my own happiness -- my own self-interest. Therefore, I commit myself to take self-responsibility in birthing myself within this world and reality in a way that all cycles of the mind as the past no more dictates my world and reality, but that I become the directive principle of/as me -- in a principle that supports what is best for all within/as existence.
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