04 May 2012

Day 13 | The Deceptive Self of the Mind

I was sitting down with my agreement partner looking at a blog, and supporting her with how to effectively edit a page on her blog. She then corrected me about a point wherein I did not go into specificity / detail of correcting her, but was instead 'vague' in the approach. I then reacted because I wanted to be 'right' in what I was telling her, but instead I felt 'angry' because I felt that I was being 'wronged' in my approach. So I started to do self-forgiveness for allowing myself to get angry for reacting because of wanting to be 'right'. I was then corrected for the way that I was doing self-forgiveness because the way that I was doing self-forgiveness was from a starting point of the mind wherein I allowed the energetic reaction within me to 'move' within me as I was doing self-forgiveness, thus, allowing the anger to proliferate. So, it wasn't really me doing self-forgiveness, but rather me as the mind -- because there is a difference. After I looked at this point, me AS THE MIND did not believe that I could 'get rid' of this emotion within my stomach area (solar plexus), but I breathed in, and took all of the anger within me, and exhaled slowly and distributed it within all parts of my body. This was more of an 'intention' as a distribution from intention within all parts of the body -- letting the anger travel through the arms and legs and out.

So this actually worked because the anger was gone. Afterwards, I was more aware 'here', and wasn't existing within and as a state of anger because what happens when I am existing in anger is that I am actually 'another personality' -- a different mood. My emotions at these specific moments are the dictator of my reality. I am not self-directive within these times of emotional reactions -- yet I think I am. So after I "breathed out" the anger, I stood and did the self-forgiveness as me -- one and equal -- with no reaction.

Within this moment as I was doing self-forgiveness, I noticed, that there were no energetic movements but there was a physical-unconscious movement of my twiddling my thumbs as a point of wanting to 'hurry up' and get it over with so I can move on with my day. Thus, within this moment, I can see that unconscious-physical part of me plays a role in how I move in which I might not be fully aware of my movements because they have been deeply ingrained in me to the extent that it has become what I believe and perceive myself to be as a 'personality'. Thus, it is for me to watch my movements through each day and make sure that I am directing my movements one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to watch my movements because I have accepted all movements as me to 'move' me in separation -- because I have not directed myself in my world and reality, but made the reality of my mind the reality of me. I allowed myself to exist within/as self-interest since birth, and thus, specialized me and everything that I do, everything that I say, and how I move as the expression of what I present myself as -- in which I use to brainwash my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive my own self so much to the point that my own self-deception has become my movements that I am not aware of because the driving nature of me is 'ego' -- of which I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by -- the very brainwashing of myself that I have allowed to be the God of me, and this God I allowed to abuse me in the name of self-interest that has become embedded within/as my movements because I have directed myself. I haven't challenged myself, but instead, chose to protect myself with 'good feelings' that I use to make me feel special about who I am in this world and reality -- and if I, as the personality, is challenged, I fall into the polarity of that which I kept suppressed because I didn't like it -- that point of me that is the actual point of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become through my ages -- that point of me that fears to be challenged. That point of me of which I lie about to keep myself from being challenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of bliss -- the bliss of the mind within feelings that I perceive is real, and thus, perceive the opposite as real -- which is the 'anger' that settles 'deep' within me -- the anger that I use to justify why I have abused myself and others -- the anger that I use to keep me in a position of self-dishonesty. This anger has become the life of me -- because I have defined life within my feelings and emotions -- of which I haven't forgiven because I, as the 'personality' was too stubborn to. I didn't want to realize who I really was -- which is the me that I have never known through the ages -- the me that  is self-directive, and wants change, but I couldn't 'move' me to change because I trusted in my mind too much that it became the movement of me -- I trusted in my past to make and mold me -- I trusted in my feelings and emotions that I called my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself, and limit myself to what I 'like' and 'dislike' as the 'engine' that drives me in which my reality only becomes based on what 'like' -- as I hide that which I don't like -- manipulating my reality into a formed personality of deception -- that does not enable me to see what is actually going on in the world because I abused the whole world just so I can have my fix of pleasure, and pleasurable experiences.

I commit myself to stop the anger that I have allowed myself to be and become -- as a particle of self-interest that moves me into/as the reality that I experience -- which creates the truth of how I perceive myself as a self-interested ego that used emotions to justify my abdication of that which is best for all.

I commit myself to look at my physical movements, and to direct my movements as myself -- to not allow the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions to dictate what, how and when I move -- becoming automated slave to that which I 'like' -- because I didn't like to transcend my personality of symbolic illusions.

No comments:

Post a Comment