Day 12 | Projecting My Process of Self-Realization into Form, Shape, and Color

I realize that the reason that I keep desiring people, places, and things is because I projected who I am into form, shape, and color, by giving these points value within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'feminine' through relationships that I formed about the word 'feminine' based on how others perceive 'femininity' as. Thus, create an idea for myself of what femininity means, and see it as 'more than' me because I defined myself as 'not feminine'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words 'long hair' through relationships that I formed about the words 'long hair' based on how others perceive 'long hair' as. Thus, see females with 'long hair' as 'more than' me because I don't have long hair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive long hair on females as a sign that they are highly-evolved because of my attraction to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'highly-evolved' to the word 'attraction'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the people that I am attracted to  means that I have separated who I really  am as life -- into form, shape, and color because I trusted the 'feelings' that I 'feel' when I am around people, places, and things that I am attracted to as 'more than' who I am as 'life' and placed all of existence into one form -- in separation, and thus, seek to be like that form in every way in order for me to exist within the illusion of fulfillment.

What am I not giving myself to create the illusion of fulfillment? I am not trusting myself within my process, and thus, place trust into form, shape, and color -- that which touch, but see it as 'more than' -- because I existed within my own mind that can't be touched, and thus, needed something to touch to fulfill me as a 'personality'. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am 'touch' -- that I am the physical 'here' -- not my mind as 'personality' that is intangible. I defined me within/as a 'personality' of thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, beliefs, and ideas, and thus, touch became something that is 'more than' -- because I defined me as 'energy' rather than within/as the 'physical' which is the actual 'me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the 'energy' of/as the mind based on thoughts, feelings, and emotional patterns that I have entrusted as the 'expression' of me, and project all of my thoughts, feelings, and emotional patterns onto/as the 'physical' of which I formed 'desires' in separation -- because I projected parts of me as the mind into/as the physical reality -- abusing the physical for my own satisfactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'femininity' to the words 'long hair'. Thus together, see this as a point of 'power' within/as females because I placed 'power' -- as what I perceive power to be from the mind's perspective into/as physical substance as 'hair' -- abusing the 'hair' for my own benefit of seeing 'long hair' as 'more than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'power' to 'intelligence'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people that have a large lexicon as 'more intelligent'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that intelligence is only a movement of the mind in establishing an effective capacity for thought and reason based on the mind relationships formed which creates the reality that the world perceives and functions within/as. Thus, placing myself 'less than' the mind in order to become equal to the mind within desiring to be 'intelligent'.

Why do I define people that have large lexicons as 'more intelligent'? Because I defined the people within the corporate world as 'more than' because of their proportional physical appearance, and compared myself to them. I also see people within the corporate world as having larger lexicons used for elite awareness.

What didn't I give myself that created the idea that 'proportion' is 'more than'? I didn't give myself myself, but rather existed within a personality of 'desire' forming the definition of 'proportion' based on how I should be like towards a female which was someone that doesn't give a fuck about them, but at the same time, look good aesthetically, and act 'tough' to put on an appearance as though I 'have it all together'. I forgive myself that I have not given myself to myself, thus in place of myself as life, I decided rather to exist within a 'personality' that I use to define myself as -- based on my back-chats that I have about others, internal conversations, and reactions, and thus desire to find a person that I believe has 'let go' of their back-chats, internal conversations, and reactions.

How has this point of perceiving myself 'less than' begin? I connected Power (God) to Angels who are perceived to have 'power', and thus, connected 'white' females to angels because they resemble angels. Then I connected 'white' men to females because of the relationship patterns based on form, shape, and color. I then defined the clothing that is worn in the corporate world as 'more than' because they are worn by 'white' people, and thus, defined having a large lexicon as 'more than'. All of this is connected to 'intelligence' which is the ability to comprehend or to understand and profit from experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'power' to Angels that I perceive to have 'power' because I believed that I didn't have power. Thus, to compensate, create a 'polarity' of 'power' and 'no power' for me to 'become power-full' through 'beauty' and 'evolution' -- which are the manifested ideas that I perceive as 'more than' me based on judging myself as 'less than'.

Why did I define myself as 'less than'? Because I defined me based on 'pictures', and thus define reality as a 'picture', and within this picture, connect 'power' to 'form'. My grandmother used to tell me stories about how she saw 'angels' in the past, and thus, I connected those stories to the forms of the pottery angels that she had in her house -- which was the beginning of how I sabotaged myself by separating myself from myself, and believing that I have to 'become power', and that my form, shape, and color will change into 'power' based on my 'evolution'. So I defined becoming 'power' in separation because to become 'power' is in-fact self-manipulation when one is already power, but simply has to birth it through the deconstruction of that which makes one believes that they have to go "somewhere else" to find oneself. It is the deconstruction of 'patterns' that one has to 'let go of' as limited variables of a self-defined 'ego'. What are some words that I connected to 'intelligence'?

Power: possession of controlling influence

Highly Evolved: being changed over time so as to be e.g. stronger or more complete or more useful

Elite: a group or class of persons enjoying superior intellectual or social or economic status

Beauty: attractive and seductive

Proportional: properly related in size, degree or other measurable characteristics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intelligence within form, shape, and color, and thus, judge a person that has a more 'well-proportioned' form as 'more intelligent'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people with proportional physical appearances are 'more than' because I connected 'proportion' with 'intelligence'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'intelligence' to being self-realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'angels' to being self-realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'power' to being self-realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being 'highly-evolved' to being self-realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being 'elite' to being self-realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being 'well-proportioned' to 'beauty', thus, being self-realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself into 'personality parts' that I interpret as being self-realized, and thus, abdicate myself to want to 'acquire' myself back through desire.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility in stopping all patterns that I use to create the definition of me as a 'personality', thus, see females with 'long hair' as having already stopped the patterns that they use to create the definition of who they are as a 'personality' -- seeing them as 'powerful'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project realizing who I am as life -- through form, shape, and color, thus, be in process within the mind's interpretation of what 'process' entails -- through, form, shape, color, and 'personalities' -- taking process -- and creating a polarity of 'more-than', and 'less-than' -- so I can become 'less-than' within how I defined myself as -- in order to become 'more-than' -- as everything that I have not define myself as, thus, see everything that I haven't defined myself as -- as the goal to become 'more-than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my beingness to a 'picture' because I saw that picture as 'more than' -- based on how I judged other pictures as 'less-than' to create a personality of back-chat, and internal conversations towards myself within pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in process from the mind's perspective of realizing who I am as a 'personality' in relation to 'pictures' -- thus, desire relationships with other 'pictures' to birth the 'illusion' of 'fulfillment'.

I commit myself to my process of stopping my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the 'patterns' that I use to define me. Thus, I stop all relationships that I formed with pictures -- which is a point of self-sabotage existent as a point of compensating that which I have not given to myself -- which is 'me'. Thus, I compensate my process within the mind's perspective of process as 'desire' -- and become a slave of desire that I have defined as 'freedom'.