29 April 2012

Day 11 | Affection

I realize that within this process of deconstructing the patterns of the mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become I react to particular words from my agreement partner such as when I am called out for my self-dishonesties, and within that, become 'hurt' by what was said as a prime example that I am existing 'less than' my own creations as the reactions that I experience within/as my everyday life. I realize that the 'actual' me is the 'me' within these moments of reactions rather than the 'me' that is this 'nice', 'kind' image that I present to others. Therefore, from this perspective, it is great to have an agreement with someone because you are always being tested, and there are no secret bullshit excuses and hidden points when self-honesty is presented within/as a relationship.

Like today for example, I reacted when I realized within what was being said about affection to look at it from an agreement perspective of committing oneself to give affection as I would like to receive affection -- from the Creation's Journey to Life's blog.

The point of affection has always been a turn-off for me because I connected affection to relationship and the participation within 'feelings'. I never looked at affection being a 'physical' application because I never defined affection as an interaction with the 'physical'. Thus, affection in an agreement would not be from a starting point of giving 'love' to someone or showing someone that you 'like' them or are 'in love' with them, but instead, simply enjoying the physical within touch because the physical is the only thing that is real 'here'. If I deconstruct the patterns of the mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- I become face-to-face with the physical as what is 'here' -- because take away the feelings; take away the emotions... the perceptions, ideas, and beliefs, and all that is left is the 'physical', thus, "expressing love" as the starting-point of giving/receiving affection is in-fact self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself connect 'affection' to 'relationship'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from the word 'affection'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from the word 'relationship'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from what's 'best for all' into an 'ego/personality' that is only satisfied with being 'single' because I fear giving up my 'ego' as the identity that I embrace that agrees with me within everything that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become because of the aversion to 'face' myself -- to reveal the 'actual me' that I hid from within 'kindness' and presenting a 'professional' image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs over the physical because of the belief that the mind/ego (as who I am) is 'more than' the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself separate myself from the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather participate in my thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs -- because I trusted in my thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs to make me 'alive', and thus project my mind onto/as the physical as what is 'here' as 'ego', and to see the physical as an 'effect' of my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an aversion for 'affection' because I judged the physical as 'less than', and desire to stay within my mind -- within 'not touching' anyone as a form of protecting my ego/identity -- so that it can remain existent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an aversion for what is 'best for all' because it doesn't align with my 'ego/personality', and the things that I 'want' to do -- to keep my personality 'alive'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a 'personality' because I fear death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'life' to being a 'personality'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'personality' to 'free will'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a 'free will' instead of realizing that if I really had 'free will' everything that I willed into existence would manifest immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I call 'free will' is simply me wanting to create an 'illusion' of freedom based on defining me within 'control' -- feeling 'controlled' within this world to make money and 'survive' -- seeing 'desire' as a 'way out'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'freely desiring' to 'free will'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that everything that I desire is the out-flow of what I defined as 'free-will' as the blanket of 'fear of loss' -- fearing to lose that which I defined myself as -- as a 'personality'.

What is it that I 'desire' to have within not wanting 'affection'?

The desire to do what I want to do at all times without cross-referencing with anyone if it's 'best for all' or not 'best for all', but just do it anyway. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to do what I want to do at all times without cross-referencing with anyone if it's 'best for all' or not 'best for all', but just do it anyway.

Why do I desire to to do what I want to do at all times without cross-referencing with anyone if it's 'best for all' or not 'best for all', but just do it anyway?

Then I can move around more. I am not 'held down' by someone else. I do not have to consider another. Not considering another is in fact, not considering myself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that not considering another is in fact, not considering myself.

Why do I not want to consider myself?

Because I never thought about considering myself. I never thought about equality and what's best for all. I never thought that I shared this world with anyone else. I was stuck in my one-dimensional reality of myself, and never considered that there was 'more' to life -- I only considered that in my 'spiritual' search for the creator, but that was only of self-interest, because it was what I wanted to give myself satisfaction. But now that I am aware that I can consider myself, I commit myself to consider myself and others as me to do what is necessary to be done to walk the process of deconstructing the patterns of my own mind (ego) that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become -- to consider others as myself in this world and reality -- and to come up with solutions in this world to change this world into a place that's best for all by first changing the entirety of me as how I walk as within my mind -- into an 'expression' that can be walked by each and every being that is 'best for all'.

3 comments:

  1. What will be the self-corrective application here?

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks for sharing in the above information.

    ReplyDelete