Day 9 | Submissiveness

It was a busy day at work on 4/25/2012, and I was informed to take a call. I informed my team lead that if I take a call, I wouldn't be able to go to lunch right away. I was actually trying to go to lunch for about an hour, but because of the development of the day, I wasn't able to. At that time, I felt a movement within the back of my head, and physically-unconsciously curled up within a subjective state of mind -- because I felt that I was being submissive in that moment, and not directing the situation.

I informed my team lead that if I take a call, I might be on it for a long time, and lo-and-behold, I was. I informed him about the situation from the day before, and he told me that I should've told the parties on the line that I am going to disconnect the line because of other resources being held up, and if there are any more questions -- they can text me on the business messenger service. But instead, I inquired them that if they don't need me anymore, then could I disconnect the line -- in which the inquiry became a point of submission to the event rather than a decision to direct the event with a 'statement'.

I realized that the reason that I was participating in a submissive role was because of 'fear' -- that I 'feared' causing any reactions to spark. Thus, within this, I realize that I am making this 'fear' real, and making the belief in reaction real. There is a point where I am also connecting this fear to being 'feminine', and to a point of judging myself as lacking common sense -- which is the reason for existing within a state of inquisition rather than 'declaration' -- because I made inquiring a point of being careful not to 'hurt' other people's egos, and the point of assertion as being too 'direct'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically-unconsciously curl up within a subjective state of mind because of the feeling of being submissive within the moment of not directing the situation of being on a phone call too long due to my fear of 'hurting' others because I made the mind (as 'reaction') real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become 'less than' my mind, and to abuse my body within 'reaction by curling up my body as a sign of 'protecting' myself from my own acceptance and allowances -- to not 'fact' them, but rather 'run' from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'overwhelmed' by my own acceptances and allowances because I defined myself within these reactions, thus 'react' to my 'reactions' because they validate me as a 'personality'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inform my team lead about the situation of being on a long phone call the day before as a point of justifying my submissiveness towards my fear of making people 'react' as a point of feeling 'sorry' for myself that I use as an 'outlet' for me to sabotage myself again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an inquiry out of fear of of making people 'react' as a point of feeling 'sorry' for myself that I use as an 'outlet' for me to sabotage myself again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the 'ego' / 'mind' as my 'reactions', and thus, time-loop within my reactions over, and over, again because of the excuse that I don't know any other way for me to exist as.

I realized that the reason that I was participating in a submissive role was because of 'fear' -- that I 'feared' causing any reactions to spark. Thus, within this, I realize that I am making this 'fear' real, and making the belief in reaction real. There is a point where I am also connecting this fear to being 'feminine', and to a point of judging myself as lacking common sense -- which is the reason for existing within a state of inquisition rather than 'declaration' -- because I made inquiring a point of being careful not to 'hurt' other people's egos, and the point of assertion as being too 'direct'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people's reactions if I am self-directive in my applications in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-honest in my daily applications because I defined the personality that 'fears' as who I am, thus, accept on an existential level, all fears to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a 'personality', and thus accept, 'fear' as who I am. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'personality' is that which I have become as they symbols that I have placed value on -- as the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs that guide me in this reality because I have not directed myself, but allowed the mind to direct me because I trusted it as the 'expression' of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself from self-expression, and thus project 'expression' within/as the mind of which I abused myself to become the mind -- existent as a particle of 'separation' to all things that I form a relationship to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fears 'real', and make the belief in reaction real, thus, not want to take self-responsibility to stop the reactions within me because I placed value on my reactions. I trusted in the 'energetic' movements within that I call emotions, and feelings to validate my existence 'here' -- because I needed something to confirm my 'life' -- because I feared death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself 'less than' the personality, and fear 'losing' the personality -- because I formed a relationship to my personality because I had it all of my life and believe that if I do not have an 'identity' (as personality) -- that I will no longer exist -- thus, use fear as an 'excuse' not to change, but to remain in a submissive role so I can freely sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'femininity' to 'submissiveness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'femininity', and thus, see 'femininity' as 'less than' by connecting the word 'femininity' to 'submissiveness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'submissiveness', and thus, see 'submissiveness' as 'less than' by connecting the word 'submissiveness' to the word 'weak'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an aversion to be 'weak' instead of realizing that that very aversion to be 'weak' defines what I have accepted and allowed myself to become -- as a mind-consciousness system existing as 'weak' -- in which I use 'aversion' to make me 'feel' as though I am not really 'that' -- but am in-fact 'that' personality system (weak) that represents my self-dishonesty, and acceptance for it because I have not taken self-responsibility to stop the patterns that create the polarity symbols of 'weak' / 'strong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make 'femininity' 'less than' because I formed a definition about 'femininity' based on my 'personality' that I have agreed for myself to exist as -- instead of realizing that that very judgment about 'femininity' defines what I have accepted and allowed myself to become -- as a mind-consciousness system existing as 'feminine' -- in which I used 'judgment' to make me 'feel' as though I am not really 'that' -- but am in-fact 'that' personality system (femininity) that represents my self-dishonesty, and acceptance for it because I have not taken self-responsibility to stop the patterns that create the polarity symbols of 'femininity' / 'masculinity'.

I commit myself to stop the patterns that create the polarity symbols that I define myself as -- as a mind within this world that feeds off of 'relationships' to define who I am -- that I use to manipulate myself into a 'personality' that needs 'relationships' to exist 'separate' from me. Thus, I abuse myself within that, and abuse others as myself within that -- for the sake of keeping my 'ego' alive because I defined me 'separate' from everyone else that exists within this world. Thus, I create 'love' as the 'glue' to keep these relationships alive because I fear 'death' -- the death of not having relationships so I can remain as this 'personality' that I have defined myself as. It is all that I know -- manipulation within knowledge and information, feelings, and emotions, perceptions, beliefs, and ideas that molds the way that I see everything.