05 June 2011

Self-Forgiveness vs. Mother God Disintegrate

During the times of my 'search for self-realization', I found a spiritual philosophy that relates to Gnosticism and 'inner alchemy' that is used in Taoist practice. The primary key was to remove all egos of Self by saying the phrase 'Mother God disintegrate'. Self, in this philosophy, would be composed of many egos: one ego for one personality point that Self defines Self as -- thus becoming and fueling that 'ego' through relationships as one depends on that 'ego' to define the 'integrity' of how they exist. For example, one becomes angry at a person because that person did not buy them anything for their birthday this year. Thus, to rewind a little bit, that person is already 'acting out a 'personality point' (ego) from a previous experience of needing to 'feel special' on their birthday. Now the anger that the person is 'expressing emotionally' is the 'polarity' of needing to feel 'special' which is 'not feeling special' because the person didn't give them anything for their birthday this year.

Thus, now a memory "photo-shot" is created within their mind on the particular experience of being 'angry' towards the person that didn't give them anything for their birthday, and thus, all 'future experiences' that relates to the particular memory is seen from the mind's perspective which is where judgment originates. For example, the person may see another person that resembles the person that didn't give them anything for their birthday and subtly react with anger to them based on the 'memory photo-shot' that was placed within their mind from the initial experience. As more and more 'egos' are 'stacked up', the Self, as who we really are, is compounded more and more as the mind 'takes over' more and more as one lives the 'integrity' of who they are as the 'mind' based on 'personality', relationships, and memories -- which are the tools that support the 'ego' to flourish.

So to say 'Mother God disintegrate', or "Dear Mother, please, take away from me this defect, disintegrate it!", would 'release' self from the binds of the 'egos' one by one. The question is why Mother God and not Father God? The Mother God aspect from my research would represent 'power' and the Father God would represent the stability of/as Self.

The other practice of 'releasing' the egos would be 'inner alchemy' which is performed through sexual intercourse which involves breathing techniques during sexual intercourse which, in turn, suppose to activate each 'chakra' toward becoming a 'Bodhisattva' which is Sanskrit for 'enlightened being' -- through the 'rising' of 'kundalini' energy through each chakra to the crown chakra. After becoming a Bodhisattva, one becomes inter-dimensional through the birthing of each Self within each dimensional plane. There is supposedly a 'Self' for each 'dimensional plane' in existence. This would be when all 'egos' are eliminated.

When saying Mother God disintegrate, I realize that it was more of a mechanical process for me because, for one, I was asking another being to take responsibility for myself -- which is, in-fact, self-dishonesty -- instead of taking self-responsibility for my own self by releasing myself from my own fuck-ups through self-forgiveness. How can I be released from something that I have not taken responsibility for? The first step of taking self-responsibility is through self-forgiveness by 'affirming' that I am 'releasing myself' from this point that I have not taken self-responsibility of, and then will take self-responsibility to 'correct' myself accordingly. Every reaction to something; every thing that I associate with -- that I use to support my 'ego' within the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions through relationships and memories is me not taking self-responsibility for myself because I accept and allow myself to perceive myself as 'less than' that which I use to support me as the 'ego' to remain in the 'past'. And the reason that I'm not taking self-responsibility is because I am not 'moving' myself 'here' (forward) because I am willing to remain in the past using my own 'ego' as the 'tool' to construct the moment 'here' -- which is self-deception, because in actuality, the past doesn't exist but only within my own mind as the memories of that which drives 'me' to remain within them -- reliving the same experiences over and over again.

Through self-forgiveness, I begin to 'untangle' these 'relived' experiences and begin to 'live life' as each moment becomes a 'brand new' moment.


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