Fear of Intimacy

Me and J decided to chat with each other on April 11th 2011. The chat kinda took off spontaneously and I developed a sense of fearing 'intimacy' because we were talking about relationships & agreements. I believed that I don't suppose to talk to people on that level.

Emotions That Came Up:

Fear of Intimacy, Sense of Guilt

Words / Phrases Behind the Thought:

1) I should remain unemotional.

2) This is wrong.

3) The system doesn't allow this emotional interaction.

4) Sex is wrong.

5) I am 'disobeying' the system if I interact with intimacy to/towards something / someone.

Points I Saw Within This:

1) When I see people (women especially), I should remain unemotional because people turn their heads quickly (signifying apathy).

Memories

I looked at many women in my life and the impression that I get don't seem to match their looks. They usually turn around fast as to not 'show' any 'emotion', and as not to establish any 'intimate' association. So no matter how 'attractive' the appearance, the demeanor seems pretty apathetic. So I incorporated this within my reality -- incorporated a sense of 'apathy' -- 'wanting' to be like 'women' in order to 'please' them -- because of the belief that this is the 'right' thing to do. So my belief is that women 'like' unemotional associations because women 'turn their head' quickly when I look at them. The 'picture' that I have in my 'mind' is a picture of an attractive 'white' woman who's demeanor is 'serious' -- so I try to incorporate that impression within/as the 'integrity' of my 'personality construct'.

2) When I go to the doctor sometimes, they ask if you had 'sex' over a specific amount of years, so I felt that I shouldn't have sex because everyone is having sex making me 'feel' as though I am just another 'piece of meat' in the system -- thus is the reason why everyone gets 'treated' like a 'piece of meat'. Thus, the more 'sex' people have, the more 'abuse' will exist within the world.

Memories

This point originated from the 'government' and how the 'government' likes to 'test' us physiologically, mentally, etc. Therefore, us being pieces of 'meat' in a system that is controlled by the 'government'. The 'government' doesn't want us to have sex because sex is too 'expressive'. Anything that has to do with 'expression' is considered 'taboo'. Now the question is, why is this point related to the government? Because it is the 'government' that has total control over our us. The government brainwashes us through the media in order for the government to propose a civilization that 'follows blindly'; the government teaches what we need to know in order to understand the methodologies of the system through 'education', therefore, blindly following and dictating the 'knowledge' of the 'system'; the government and plays with our health by utilizing 'money' as a means to 'control' our illnesses so not to give us a 'pure cure' or it'll 'destroy' the profit-making scheme 'behind' the health industry. Also, if you look at this Desteni video, it informs how the government uses nanotechnology to control us from a physiological perspective:

So having sex would be like giving the government what they want = more of a population to use people as 'test subjects'.
Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the government is 'testing' me -- instead of realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'victimized' by the very 'masters' of the system (the government, the media, the banks, the educational system, etc.) in which I (as all as one and 'equal' as 'humanity') have created this because I have allowed myself to be / remain 'limited' through my own beliefs -- wherein I have 'trapped' myself..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to 'live' I need to be 'healthy' instead of realizing that I am actually 'falling' -- 'falling' for the 'prey' of 'sickness' because I 'fear' it, therefore, it 'attacks' me in the 'spur of the moment' like a 'thief' in the night.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'health' is 'more than' me, therefore, needing it to 'revive' me into a 'physiological bliss' that can only exist within/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused by the 'government' because I have 'trusted' in the government as 'separate' from me -- believing that this 'trust' that exists 'separate' from me, in which I see as 'more than' who I am, is able to 'save' me from my 'troubles' that I have created through that very same 'separation'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'intimacy' -- believing that I should remain 'unemotional' so the government cannot use me as 'bait' -- instead of realizing that I am 'declaring' myself as 'less than' the government by 'resisting' the government through 'apathy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' -- declaring myself as 'limitation' through knowledge and information rather than what is here as all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'resist' emotions -- instead of realizing that I am actually forming a 'relationship-tie' to 'emotions' through resisting emotions declaring myself as the 'mind' within/as thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- instead of remaining 'here' as breath within/as the 'stability' of what is 'here' as 'all life'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a 'reaction' to 'pictures' -- believing in the 'picture' rather than what is 'behind' the picture as 'deception'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept 'knowledge and information' as 'wisdom' -- using this 'wisdom' as the 'reflection' of who I am as a 'slave to the system' -- instead of 'letting go' of all knowledge and information, and seeing what is 'here' as 'common sense' (as what is 'best for all' man).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'separate' the 'expression' of me as 'intimacy' through 'another' -- believing that I can only be 'intimate' with another instead of realizing that all is me and that all intimacy is self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the 'test subject' of the 'system' because I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as 'less than' my own creation. Therefore, I have accepted and allowed my own 'creations' to 'test' me through 'polarity'.
Self-Corrective Statements:
Knowledge and Information can never see what is 'best for all' all knowledge and information has been created as 'formulations' within the mind to support the mind in separation from what is 'here' as all life -- which doesn't take 'knowledge' to see the fuck-up. I do not accept or allow myself to support knowledge and information as 'outflows' of the mind. Knowledge and Information can only create 'oneness', but never 'equality' -- which is the 'simplicity' of Common Sense'.
I will not accept or allow myself to form a 'resistance' to / toward anyone -- which is the 'act' of accepting and allowing the 'relationship-tie' with what is being 'resisted' to continue -- supporting the mind in separation.
I am the breath and I place self-trust within/as the 'breath' in every moment rather than placing trust into something/someone that I have defined as 'separate' from me.
Self-Corrective Application:
Push through points wherein I 'resist' intimacy.
Stop putting on an 'unemotional' expression -- believing that I am 'transcending' emotions when, in-fact, I am accepting and allowing 'separation' and accepting 'emotions' as 'more than' me.