Walking the Point of Attraction Based on 'Image'
So I had a dream about a specific female and how I was walking a particular 'image' in order to please her to try to 'fit' her standards. But within it all, I was also doing self-forgiveness for walking a falsified image. I've been chatting with her for three days straight. And realize how I am allowing the 'energetic movements' to control me -- living within the principle of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I noticed something that I said within a statement on Facebook made to a video called, "I Declare War on Love." I said, "Although, declaring 'war' on love is not the answer. It is to simply stop participating within the construct of 'love' that is expressed primarily as 'lust' based on 'image' and memory constructs -- creating war based on strongholds within/as the mind." And I put 2 and 2 together and realized that I was walking this point of 'attraction' to her -- because of her 'image' based on my 'memory constructs' of me being attracted to middle-aged white women -- in order to fulfill my 'sexual desires' towards 'white' women. So within this point of attraction, I am realizing that I am attempting to create an 'energetic relationship' based on sex; so I should slow myself down and breathe 'here' within every moment of breath and realize what I am accepting and allowing in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the participation within the construct of 'love' that is expressed primarily as 'lust' based on 'image' and memory constructs -- creating 'war' based on strongholds within/as the mind instead of stopping all interactions of 'love' as 'desire' and 'sex'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what I am accepting and allowing within the point of 'attraction' towards another being, but instead, 'take' that point of curiosity and allow that point to 'destroy' me through the 'act' of love.
Three Drag Queens / Transsexuals
There are three drag queens / transsexuals that I like, and there is one general point of condition that exists between me and them and that is to show to them how 'intelligent' I am in order for them to accept me as a 'real man'. It's like that with every supposedly 'beautiful' female seems like -- wherein I try to show them that I am a 'real' man through/as placing the 'truth' within their perspectives for them to 'see' and 'realize' that I am a 'real man'. But then the question is, what comes next when they realize that? Relationship?... It was always about establishing a 'real' relationship, and I see that same point in relation to these three drag queens / transsexuals. Even though they are 'transsexual' they still look like women, and it is about me wanting to show them what is 'here' within this world and how everything is existing as -- and the 'reality' of relationships of how relationships are currently being built -- through/as 'energetic manipulation' and resonant impressions -- in order for me to be accepted by them as a 'real' man -- and what comes after that is relationship and sex. It's all the same point yeah? -- to get sex? Well maybe with one of them I might have some desire to, but the point mostly is to gain attention from apparent 'beautiful' women to show them what we are accepting and allowing within the world and within relationships in order to 'have' a relationship with them from the point of being 'accepted' by them as a 'real' man. The point of sex is not as prominent in this case. It's like a point of seeing women as 'more evolved' because of their apparent 'beauty' and then showing them my 'intelligence' for me to be 'qualified' to be with them.
Self-Forgiveness: Beauty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'beauty' as a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'beauty' as intelligence and 'intelligence' as beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack the 'love' and 'attention' that I need in order to acquire a 'beautiful woman'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to pursue the 'beauty' of a female in order to be 'loved' by a 'beautiful woman' instead of realizing 'beauty' as a construct.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to pursue the beauty of a woman in order to feel special, and in order to 'feel' as though I am 'qualified' to be with a 'beautiful' female.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'live' within the 'construct' of 'specialness' -- walking as a mind-possession of 'limitation' of/as 'specialness'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that beauty is a make-up -- living as the 'construct' of beauty as 'limitation' because of what I have been taught by my 'forefathers'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that beauty is unnecessary and it simplistically a limitation of/as man.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that beauty is an illusion created by/as the mind-consciousness system to keep me 'trapped' within polarity.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that beauty is a 'setup' to keep me 'enslaved' within/as polarity.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that beauty is 'non-interchangeable' with the word genuine -- as what is 'here' -- which is neither 'beautiful' or 'ugly'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revere 'beauty' as something 'more than' who I am 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become 'beautiful' in order to be accepted instead of realizing that 'beauty' only exists within/as the mind of who I am as a consciousness 'slave' to 'relativity' as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'not good enough' because I am 'not beautiful enough' or 'handsome' enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that beauty is somewhat evolutionary instead of realizing that 'evolution' can only exist through/as the mind as something 'higher' that what I am already as -- as all as one and 'equal' within/as existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to beLIEve in 'evolution' instead of realizing evolution as a construct of the mind to keep me 'trapped' as a slave to polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in evolution as God instead of realizing that I am 'God' as an 'enslaved' being of the mind-consciousness system -- as what I accept and allow myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'evolution' to change the structure of this world as the 'system' instead of standing up for myself within every moment of breath and accepting me 'as' the system of 'enslavement'. I am responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'intelligence' as evolution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place 'intelligence' as 'God' instead of realizing that I am the directive principle of who I am and that I don't need 'intelligence' to 'guide' me -- because 'intelligence' is only limited to knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become 'intelligent' in order to be accepted instead of realizing that what I am 'accepting' is other peoples' mind-consciousness systems -- existing as polarity friction and judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become 'intelligent' in order to 'fit in' with society -- instead of realizing that what I am trying to 'fit into' is other peoples' mind-consciousness systems -- existing as polarity friction and judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to read books, solve difficult problems, go to college and study sufficiently to become more 'intelligent' -- instead of realizing that 'intelligence' is actually 'artificial intelligence' programmed through our environment through ideas and pictured presentations creating deception as 'knowledge' and 'information'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that we are evolved because of our technology and our sophistication of knowledge. Technology is man-made. I can make some shit up right now and call it technology.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that our bodies have grown to a more 'evolved' state. Let's test this theory. Stab yourself in the chest and see if you'll heal fast. Even if were able to heal fast, the statement of believing that your body has grown to a more evolved state is separation from who you really are as Life, and supports the mind as 'limitation' based on 'image' and pictures -- infinitely defining Self based on the changes of/as 'image'. Depending on the body to 'evolve' is a point of 'dependence' on the 'body' to heal you -- thus supporting 'separation' within/as your own ego of "If my body isn't evolved, then I am nothing." Thus, the more that you think you are 'evolved' because of your body, the more you assist and support yourself in believing that you are limited to only the body -- as a point of being 'less than' who you really are as Life.
Knowledge, intelligence, beauty and evolution: Constructs that give an illusion of 'More than' / 'Greater than' -- within/as the 'point' of Polarity. Stop, Breath, and realize the 'truth' within and as your own breath.
Fear of Talking to Bella
So sometimes I see Bella on Facebook and sometimes I would want to chat with her. It is that presentation of who I am as 'self-judgment' that I don't allow myself to speak with her -- believing that I am not 'good enough' to speak with her as who I am because I am not presenting myself within participation with Desteni like I 'think' I should. So Bella, in this case, is like a 'reference point' of/as 'guilt' -- within the point of acknowledgment of my process of/as who I am and my participation with Desteni. In addition, sometimes I think Bella just don't want to talk to me because of the thought that she is too busy to talk to me. So I try to find 'proper' times to speak with her because of the belief that I can't just easily 'speak' / chat with her. I have to setup a proper time because it's all about doing it the 'proper' way. I have that same thought with most women.
So I spontaneously 'chose' to say 'Hi' to Bella on Wednesday, January 19th 2011, and there are some more points that came up. One of the points is not speaking with Bella because of the point of, "Now I am creating a point of likeness to another female -- in which I am not 'seeing' Bella as the same anymore because I am now creating an 'emotional' connection to/for this other female." But even within the point of creating an 'emotional' connection as 'desire' I realize what I am accepting and allowing and I remain 'here' in every moment of breath -- not accepting and allowing the 'feeling' of desire to 'create' a 'relationship' with someone out of 'deception'. I also realize that a relationship/agreement is never about the 'feelings' of an individual, but about walking as Self 'here' within/as the physical which is not subject to 'feelings'. Thus, not having prominent 'feelings' for Bella like I used to shouldn't change anything, and it really hasn't because the point of 'fear' has always been the most prominent factor and that is the 'fear' of communicating with Bella because of the previous point (of self-judgment) and because of the point of the belief that I 'failed' at meeting Bella at the farm. I had sufficient time to 'raise' money to see her, but I felt like a failure because I lost that time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationship/agreement is about 'feelings' rather than what is 'here' as what I am accepting and allowing in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationship is about money based on the definition of a man as the financial provider.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form the pictured presentation as 'memory' of what and how a man suppose to be/act like/as within a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a pictured presentation of what a man is within the construct of 'strength' -- instead of equalizing 'man' and 'woman' as strength within/as the construct of 'character'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on woman's 'opinions' of what makes 'man' in order for me to live that principle/presentation of a man in concordance to the opinions of a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what a 'man' is based on the opinions of a woman/female in order for me to be accepted by a female -- in order to have a relationship with a female.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what a 'man' is based on the opinions of a woman/female in order for me to 'satisfy' her ideal opinions of what a man represents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what a 'man' is based on the opinions of a woman/female in order for me to 'satisfy' her ideal opinions of a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base relationship on the opinions of the other party that I am in a relationship with in order to 'satisfy' their perception of an 'ideal' relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all 'relationship' is self-created and that whatever the relationship is existing as with another.... is the current relationship that Self has with Self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by opinions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a 'man' needs to show a woman his 'money' in order for him to be accepted as 'responsible', and a 'real man'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'less than' in relation to the point of 'guilt' of not participating with Desteni like I believe that I should -- thus, not being 'qualified' to speak with Bella.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what I am accepting and allowing within the point of procrastination -- projecting procrastination within the point of self-guilt for not walking my process as who I am 'here' within every moment of breath. I take self-responsibility to support who I am 'here' as Life -- as all as one and equal to all, and 'live' the point of Self-Honesty as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base myself on the integrity of Desteni instead of allowing myself to be intimate with/as myself within/as my process -- as who I am 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to 'let go' of mind-constructs and 'speak' with Bella -- as who I am 'here' as 'breath'. Instead, I am accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as the point of self-judgment -- walking as an idea, perception, belief about how I 'should' be like/act like/as when communicating with Bella.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'specialize' Bella because of my point of 'desire' to be with Bella within/as an 'agreement'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk/base my process on an agreement with another as who I am -- instead of walking my processes of/as agreement with self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my judgments to create my experiences within/as my reality -- walking as a 'personality' enslaved through/as judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give 'support' to/as the mind-consciousness system -- as who I am to the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of/as 'specialness' -- instead of realizing that 'specialness' doesn't exist but only within/as polarity as 'better than'... 'less than'... according to specific mind-constructs/resonances that I support -- as a 'slave' to it.
Going to Church With My 'Dad'
So I told my so-called 'dad' that I was going to be at church at 11:30 am on January 16th 2011, but I started watching these videos by Bernard Poolman and got side-tracked. My 'dad' then called me and I just abruptly answered and informed him that I was still at home and that I was on my way to the church. It was only 12:30 PM. Most churches let out around at least 1:30 PM, but he stated that the church service was almost over. So I accepted the slight reprimanding from him and informed him that I should've called him and told him that I wasn't going to be there around the appointed time of 11:30 am. I still, within, felt a sense of, "I don't have to confess up to him." as a form of ego. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to an 'ego' / personality of self-righteousness. Self-Righteousness all-in-all entails that I define myself as 'less than' in some other form or fashion, thus, compensating that point within/as the experience with my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that I am 'less than' who I am 'here' as Life -- as all as one and equal to all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that I am 'less than' another, thus having to 'compensate' the point of 'less than' within/as another experience -- introducing the point of 'self-righteousness' of who I am as a mind-consciousness system.
So then I met up my dad in some apartments where his dad stayed and we went inside and spoke. During the visit, me and my dad took a paternity test to find out if he is the father. During the writing of this blog, I still don't know whether he is my father or not, so I will simply refer to him as 'dad' here within this blog. So we took a paternity test, and I felt 'emotional' while taking it. Although, it wasn't so prominent that it was visible by my dad that I was showing 'feelings', but who gives a shit? I didn't know why I was having these feelings of affection. I can describe the feelings like a female having a baby and you're feeling that same feeling of affection. It seems like a lot of times, this feeling is mistaken for 'love', but it is simply a hormonal reaction that is programmed within the mind as who I am within my physical body -- in order for me to remain existent as a slave to my own perceptive reality based on chemical reactions. Any way, I forgive myself that I have not accepted the feelings of/as who I am within/as a physical body. I have to realize that the feelings that I walk as and 'feel' is who I am and what I accept myself to be as who I am 'here' as a 'manifested resonance'. I also forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I am 'feeling' within/as who I am is 'wrong' and that I have stop what I 'feel' -- believing that I am 'less than' the feeling instead of realizing that 'I am' the feeling -- as who I am within/as the experience wherein I am experiencing the 'feeling' as who I am as a 'reaction'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept my 'dad' (or whoever he is) as my dad (as a family member) -- attempting to act as a point of being 'better than' / 'more than' who I am within/as my family putting me in a position of polarity as 'less than' the 'experience'.
A person that acts as 'more than' or 'better than' someone else is 'less than' the experience.
Station 4
So I went to Station 4 tonight. Station 4 is a gay club. I first started going there to test my 'straightness'. Lo and behold, the realization is that I am not 'gay' but I do enjoy being around the company of gays. I feel as though I can 'loosen up' and don't have to act 'hard' and 'masculine' -- putting on a 'fake impression' of the definition of a man. That is one reason that I tried women's clothes on -- to eradicate that point of 'masculinity'. But the self-forgiveness is that masculinity and femininity are equal as one as the same, and that if one attempts to 'act' masculine or 'act' feminine empowers the opposing factor to be 'more' prominent within existence supporting/creating 'more' separation' of what 'man' and 'woman' entails. Then everything within 'gender identity' becomes more 'prominent' like 'love' -- which creates more 'hate', 'abuse', and 'wars' because 'love' cannot 'exist' without 'hate' -- thus creating more abuse within the constructs of sex and gender. Love has fucked up the nations and 'gender identity' would be one of the starting points for/as 'abuse' and 'separation'.
But I went to Station 4, and while I was inside, everything was fine. It's that point before I went in. I saw all of these sexy-ass white women, and I started creating emotions of not being accepted by 'white' women -- that same point that I have been accepting within/as emotional struggling -- for me to be accepted by them. When I look back, I think of the slavery days of how black men were treated, and I think about 'corporate' white women and how they are so serious. That's probably one reason that I seem to be attracted to 'older' white women -- in order for me to be accepted by them, but I have to realize that within the point of believing that I need to be accepted by others is the point of accepting myself as 'separate' from who they are and seeing them as a form of 'image' which creates 'condition' within/as who they are as a 'limited' being instead of seeing them as who they really as Life -- which is also who I am 'here' in every moment of breath. I allow 'image' to manipulate me through/as the programming of me as 'resonance' every time that I 'react' towards 'image'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated through/as 'image' instead of realizing that I am accepting limitation as who I am within 'image'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me based on the 'image' of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'program' my life based on 'image'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base 'image' on something 'more than' who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base 'image' on something 'more than' who I am within/as 'masculinity' -- walking the point of 'masculinity' as a slave to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base 'image' on something 'more than' who I am within/as 'femininity' -- walking the point of 'masculinity' -- denying the 'femininity' as who I am -- as one of the 'motivators' of my 'masculinity'.
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