The Desire to Have Sex with a Specific Female
So this specific female (I will call her "Alexis"), is a person that I know. I'm not here to talk about her, but I am here to expose my lust towards her. I had a desire to have sex with "Alexis" this morning. Every morning I masturbate off of someone whether they're a young girl, an older lady, a guy (to try to make myself become gay).... I seem to try everything that has an asshole (except most of my family members, lol). One of my uncles showed me a movie preview about some black men that were slaves for a white family. Well one of the men got a white woman pregnant. The white man didn't know who did it, so every black man took a step up and said, "It was me." Well the point is, "Alexis" is a white woman, and the ideal white woman that I find attractive. I was masturbating to her this morning to try to get some 'white woman energy' in me so I can 'feel' as though white women accept me. In other words, if I have sex with a white woman, they should accept me right? Well it doesn't matter, but this is the thought that I had this morning.
Reading About Mind-Consciousness System Components:
So today I was reading about the Mind-Consciousness System Components: remaining 'here' within the physical reality -- rather than being caught up/trapped within the mind. I've been trying to live this point when I'm at work, but it seems difficult because you have the thought of wanting to be home and work on blogs, watch Desteni videos, read Desteni material -- in which I always have a difficult time of doing because of primarily work -- which takes up a lot of my time. That's nine hours a day. You have these people that you are talking to on the phone that are either angry and/or yelling at you because of their services and it seems like you did something wrong when you didn't. Technically, I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but it seems that way because there is not a leverage of using your own decision-making processes because you have to follow the protocol of the company -- which is based on a dollar. So everything that you speak, you have to be conditional and you can't think for yourself because you have to protect the apparent 'value' of the company. So I'm angry when I got work all of the time because you are apparently a slave to the business principles and protocols. The business needs 'you' to survive, so you gotta be fake when communicating with the customers and give the business it's apparent 'value'.
So there was a small passage within that article:
As you get dressed your mind runs rampant of what must get done at the office, the children that must be dropped at school in time and this continue, all through the morning as you get ready for work and have breakfast with the family. This is the moment in the morning where you start charging your entire consciousness mind thought system within you with stress, anxiety, anxiousness, fear, worry and concern etc. which is charged by thoughts - using it to motivate you to be able to get through the day and you remain in these reactive emotional and feeling experiences within you right through the entire day at the office. In constant emotional and feeling reactive energetic experiences within you which you charged and ignited before you went to work...You return home after a very long, gruelling day at work, tired and weak because all the emotional compound energy you have charged within you in the morning before you went to work have literally sucked every last drop of strength and life essence within you during the 30 day as you constantly used up the emotional compound energy within you, which was charged by thoughts to get you through the day.This is also the reason why human beings come home 'tired' because they have 'depleted' and 'weakened' their physical bodies and used the emotionally charged compound energy within them to carry them through the day - in constant emotionally charged turmoil. When they come home, they for a moment let go of the emotionally charged compound energy which they have used to motivate them to get through the day at the office - then realize how 'tired' they are when they get home and then rest. Rest to have the ability to once again recharge their entire mind thought consciousness system within them, so that the next morning their minds and thoughts may run rampant and charge yet again themselves with emotional compound energy to have the ability to get through the day at the office.
So reading this point here really invoked a realization within me of what I am accepting and allowing myself to be and become when I am at work thinking about being home, or when I'm at home getting ready for work, but the question is, don't I have a good reason for feeling the way that I feel? When you are not able to be self-honest with who you are at work -- having to follow protocols and principles for the business to support the value of the business? Thus, what I feel within me is a deep anger towards me participating in such an environment because of the 'need' to be able to survive in this world. The only thing that I can do is work my alternate business to try to replace my income, but there is a deep-seated fear of talking to people and not knowing what to say to them. Well of course I know what to say, but it always seemingly comes out in a 'robotic' fashion because, again, I am selling a product that everyone has and needs -- which is electricity, and trying to get them to switch their electrical company. Again, there is a certain level of fakeness to it, but at least it's better than being at work sitting in a chair all day hearing angry customers talk about their services. What I'm going to have to do is push myself to talk to people no matter how it comes out. If I could get two good communicators under me, then I'll be cool -- while they run their business and get more consultant and customers -- and then I'd be a little bit better because I'd be making money off of them. I got my apparent 'dad' into the business in which he is a good communicator. I just need one more.
And as far as my current position at work, I just have to remain in the present and embrace the stress and breathe through it. That really sucks.... It's like being in Hell being tortured and you can't die. That is exactly how it feels, but there is nothing that I can do about it if you don't have a lot of money. I do not accept 'tiredness' as who I am in relation to supporting thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Even in the stressful atmosphere that I am in at work, I will not accept and allow myself to be 'less than' who I am within the construct of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Those times on the phones are the best times to 'build' myself up in relation to 'silencing' the mind as who I am.
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from certain people because of my skin color.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me and create/walk as a 'personality' based on my skin color.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to certain people because of my skin color.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'less than' white women and that I have to acquire attention / have sex with / acquire 'love' from a white woman in order to feel accepted by all white women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on their skin color which reflects the point of judgment within/as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a victim of my own thoughts, feelings and emotions no matter what kind of environment that I am in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, live, and create a 'personality' of limitation based on my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the participation within the construct of 'love' that is expressed primarily as 'lust' based on 'image' and memory constructs -- creating war based on strongholds within/as the mind instead of stopping all interactions of 'love' as 'desire'.
Self Forgiveness: Love, Sex, Relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'Self-Expression' according to and as having sex with another being, instead of realizing Self-Expression is who I am here in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'masturbate' and become obsessed and possessed with the holographic pictured presentation of males and/or females within sexually-suppressed desires, instead of realizing they are one and equal as me 'here' and who they are is not the picture I see with my human physical eyes and so the same with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire a relationship based on how society as the media and advertisement corporations display and present relationships to be, when I know within me, that the pictured presentation of relationships is the deception and is never as I desired or dreamed or imagined it to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships and sex is a sacred oath as incorporated within religion, instead of realizing that I am buying into the corporation of the mind and will remain enslaved to the mind within marriage until I become a corpse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use having a relationship with another as an excuse to have and get what I actually want, need and desire...which is... SEX.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be in a relationship with another -- because I fear being alone with me here.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise -- that sex is but the means the mind consciousness system use, to recharge and rejuvenate itself as all the systems and constructs, to which I have defined me of the mind -- and that the orgasm is but the indication of an 'upload and transfer' of systems between two beings having sex -- being completed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will find and discover love out there separate from me, instead of realizing that the search for love and the want, need and desire thereof, merely reflect the eternal search for myself that has actually always been here -- but I haven't allowed myself to recognize me here. Thus, love does not exist -- I have always only been searching for me = that is HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy my mind with dreams and imaginative fairytales of meeting 'THE ONE', instead of realizing that I am one and equal with and as all as life here and the self responsibility that goes with it towards all as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill my mind with pictures of women and/or men, which I use to masturbate with, to fulfill the desire of sex with another and the experience thereof within and as me -- and not realizing the consequences thereof towards myself and all others within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look and search for all and everything I believe I am not within relationship towards another, instead of Self accepting me HERE as who I am HERE -- within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being within a marriage or relationship and having sex within it -- as being 'happy' and 'complete' now that I have found my apparent 'other half', instead of realizing that I am already 'halved' in separation within and as my own mind -- because who I am is not HERE as all as one as equal as life.
Self Forgiveness: Relationship (Veno)
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I require and need another separate from me to fulfill and complete me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept my self and incomplete and unfulfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from myself as another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek and search for love in another from who and which I have separated me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘love'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘relationship'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to be completed and fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another separate from me to be loved and to experience love.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to consider the words ‘falling in love' – only noticing and considering the word love in the equation and not the word ‘fall'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dream and wish and hope and desire to be ‘whisked' and wiped off my feet by an eligible attractive man or attractive beautiful woman of which I pictured in my mind as being: The One.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition and conform to society by desiring wanting and needing a must-have relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to influence and change myself to attract a hopeful possible partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ‘knees going weak' and ‘butterflies in the stomach' are actually experiences of me instead of realising they are manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually literally ‘buy into' the ludicrousness of the fact that love actually exists.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that love and relationship is the trap of this world to remain pre-occupied in ‘my own world' instead of opening my eyes and ears to see and hear what's really going on in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ‘fall' into the trap of the mind as love and relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define love and sex under the category of the manifestation of a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become blind and deaf by the overwhelming experiences of feelings and emotions within a relationship and closed myself off and separated myself from the rest of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a relationship as an escape from the world to not have to face the world I exist in and experience myself within.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will ‘find' and ‘discover' myself within a relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that emotions and feelings for another separate from me are actually experiences of me as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire, want and need a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to merely accept and allow emotions and feelings for another separate from me – believing such emotional and feeling experiences to be ‘normal' and ‘okay' because everyone else is also experiencing them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enjoy ‘being loved' by another – instead of me accepting joy as me as the expression of me as self love.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to love myself and because of this – I went on a journey to find, search and seek love elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that by me wanting, desiring, wishing and needing a relationship – I was actually asking for a relationship with me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to ever in my life, not once in my life – consider me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to start a relationship and go on a relationship quest – because that's what the rest of the world is doing – so most obviously: I must do it as well.
I forgive myself that I have allowed sex, relationship and love to become my obsession, oppression and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resist myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take me for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define holding, cuddling, kissing and sex and intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my eyes to deceive me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that love and relationship actually exist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, perceive and think that others who are in relationship are happy and content – not really knowing or understanding that what they are projecting is the lie to the world and the deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust my thoughts feelings and emotions instead of me trusting myself as who I am of life within and as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself and I this judgment requiring and needing another separate from me to love me, appreciate me and adore me because I apparently couldn't and cant for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is ridiculous.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is too simple and fallible to actually assist and support me in what I am experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and condemn my own words.
I forgive myself that I have even allowed to give the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions the ‘time of day' and taking for granted the breath of life as life of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fulfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in a relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that God created male and female as is to experience the apparent joys and wondrous ecstasy and euphoria of sex and to make babies and start a family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live by the laws and regulations of society of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that people who've been in relationships actually know something of relationships and have allowed myself to follow the example of other love sick puppies lost in the mind as I am.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to notice the word ‘sick' in ‘love sick puppies' and only notice the word love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words ‘love' and ‘relationship' and ‘sex' to control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words ‘love' and ‘relationship' and ‘sex' to have power over me and power of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive and dishonour and lie to myself in the name of love, relationship and sex.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be intimate with me – self intimacy is the key of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my parents were actually ‘happily married' and that I'd also want to have an experience like that with another: Relationship, marriage, home, car, children, successful business and money.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that I have ‘fallen head over heals' for the deception and manipulation and lies of the system when ‘falling head over heals' for another separate from me.
Resources:
http://www.desteni.co.za/a/veno-self-forgiveness-relationship
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqOT05EZWag
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