One of my points for making myself 'very wise', 'deep' and 'smart' is to satisfy women to get them to believe that I am a 'good' man -- so I can have a relationship with them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the satisfaction of a female as support for their own self-abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship with a female in order to 'feel' as though I am now 'qualified' to be with a female.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that relationships are dependent on being 'qualified' to be with a female.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationships in order to satisfy the principle of 'energy' as the 'foundation' of the relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself 'live' as energy and to believe relationships are about 'spreading' the 'love' as 'energy' in order to keep the relationship strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to 'keep' a relationship/female I need to 'satisfy' their desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me based on my 'past' life instead of realizing that all past lives are here 'as' me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that past lives are important.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that past lives are special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should 'walk as' who I 'think' I am (based on energy) that was supposedly manifested within a 'past life'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that past lives are 'more than' who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'make' a past life a 'spiritual quest' in order to 'return' back to 'realization' instead of realizing that realization is in every moment of breath. HERE is where I stand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'make' my 'future' a 'spiritual quest' by/through the foundation of my 'past' life in order to 'believe' that doing that, I will 'realize' who I am within/as my personality structure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my 'spiritual' quest to 'transition' into a female. The question is 'why' do I want to transition into a female sometimes? Well the first time that I tried a dress on... after that, that's when 'broke' my 'cisgender awareness' and became gender-fluid. So sometimes I desire to be a female, sometimes genderqueer, and at other times, I feel 'aligned', as a man within a male physical body. So what do I do to transcend this point? I do nothing. I simply realize that gender identity doesn't exist and continue breathing breath by breath. Thus, I am 'breaking away' from the construct of what it means to be a 'female' and a 'male' (feminine and masculine).
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize that anything that is 'spiritual' that is 'energetic-based' that doesn't support 'equality' is a mind-fuck.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to speak with certain people (especially women) because of their apparent 'position' within the gridline-structure (that is dependent on their personality).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on their personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrain from others (especially women) by the belief that I shouldn't communicate with them because of their personality/image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'base' my life on the point of a 'gridline structure' as 'more than' who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain 'here as breath' and to not be concerned of something that is not in my present awareness as a practical measure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white women' are 'better' than me because of their image.
What is it that I 'want' and find 'desirable' within a 'white woman? It is their 'image', and I feel so 'far away' from them because I talk to more 'black' women than I do 'white' women.
Aela: Why does the 'white race' stand out though? Hell... most of your mind-friends are 'white' for god's sake.
Leon: I don't know... I think one reason that I am attracted to 'white' women is because they don't have a lot of melanin. It's like... your favorite color for instance -- mine being black and purple. Purple 'resonates' with me. Every time I see it, I get this 'resonating' feeling within me, and it feels good. It's kinda like that with 'white' women, but it's not always 'white' women. It's all races. White women seems to be the one that's most prominent.
Aela: But that's not the main point of why you believe that they are 'better' than you -- not allowing you to 'socialize' or communicate with them on an 'intimate' level.
Leon: Part of it is because of the 'slavery' days which makes them appear 'more than'. Then you have these 'angels' that are 'white', and they appear to have more 'ability' in the world which makes them appear more 'intelligent' and wise.
Aela: Okay, let's do self-forgiveness over that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white' women are 'better' than me because of their skin color.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white' women are 'better' than me because they have the same 'skin color' as angels.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the construct of 'angels' --- realizing the fact that 'angels' were created as a point of 'separation' deeming angels to be 'more than' who we are based on our 'apparent' 'lack' of ability as 'human beings' = accepting limitation as who we are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white' women are 'beautiful'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'women' (in general) are beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'beauty' exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support 'beauty'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white' women are 'better' than me because they were 'above' me (in position), as 'black' people, within the slavery days.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white' skin is 'better than' darker skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'white' is better than 'black'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge colors based on their 'image'.
Aela: It's all a fuckin' mind game. Beauty is a fuckin' mind game.
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