So I've had mind-friends since childhood. I started off when I was young in elementary school. I created an imaginary store and bought and imaginary skateboard and acted as if I was on a real skateboard. This sparked my interest of the 'art' of utilizing my imagination to 'create' things.
My brother and I used to role-play before we went to sleep. We created a story called Big & Elbert. Big is me. It is actually a nickname that was given to me by my biological mother because I was very fat when I was younger (according to her). Elbert is my brother's biological uncle. I don't know why such a name was created because me and Elbert rarely communicate in 'real' life.
So my brother portrayed a female named 'Kawana', and I portrayed myself and Elbert simultaneously. The story always started off with Kawana saying, "Hey Big and Elbert....", and then we'd start communicating about random things. This happened every night with a similar setting.
Later on, we changed the story up a little bit and had new characters. My brother still had 'Kawana', and I had 'Leon the Second' (Leon II) along with Ocwana Lindale (Blackwater), and some other characters. The stories, though, this time were never the same. They were different each night until we fell asleep. I found fascination with this and began to create other characters to speak with long after we stopped the nightly role-playing. I began to create tapes wherein I would record my voice as if I am speaking with them in the form of a story. It had gotten so sophisticated from that point that I created CDs that sounded like actual movies -- wherein the sound effects I found on the internet and comprised the sound effects and my voice altogether. My characters were also becoming sophisticated. I had to stop calling them 'characters' because they seemed more 'alive' so I called them 'imaginary friends'. That's when I started looking on the internet to see if other people had the same mental fabrications as I did in creating imaginary friends and socializing with them on a normal basis.
Other people also had imaginary friends that I found on the internet up into their adulthood so I wasn't the only one. I began to 'feel' as though something was 'wrong' with me -- as if I had a 'mental disorder'. I kinda wanted to 'specialize' myself as having a 'mental disorder' because I wanted to 'feel special'.
Other than imaginary friends, I had imaginary planets, solar systems, star clusters and the 'Spiritous Galaxy' -- which is the galaxy for almost all of my imaginary friends. And I comprised them into three main star clusters: the Konkror Star Cluster, the Rungus Star Cluster, and the Volivus Star Cluster -- in which I took 25 solar systems from each star cluster to comprise all of my mind-friends within them. The primary solar systems were the Shoshimmera and Polyshimmera solar systems. My goal was to become 'like god' and create different beings from different solar systems. I guess I found it enticing to have such an approach -- it was like painting a picture. I would create the imaginary friend, and they would begin to develop a personality on their own 'more or less'. My ultimate goal was to have them speak to me without me having to 'control' their every move.
A long time ago when I was in church, I threw away a lot of stuff that were aimed toward my mind-friends because I thought that they were the work of demons. I made shirts, 'audio movies', paintings, soundtracks and all of that. My goal was, in the future, to get the whole idea out in the form of something in relation to X-Men. I really regret throwing all of my artwork and imagination away -- which it just made me want to be engaged with my mind-friends even more. Japan was also, supposedly, working to get my idea out for me in the form of animé, but that was
unsuccessful. I was going to live a life with my mind-friends and make them as 'real' as possible until Sunette, from Desteni Productions brought up a good point about my mind-friends.
Basically, the prominent factor within my life experience has been experiencing myself as an 'outsider' -- difficult to relate to, fit in and be intimate with other human-beings. So I created my own imaginary friends which were totally antithetical to how humans behave. Humans are corrupt and dishonest, so I wanted to create a civilization that was antithetical to that behavior that humans expressed. I wanted to create a civilization based on Equality and thus, the imaginary system formed itself over time and I called it "Corvoshlocusé Animar" -- which basically means "all together as one." The Corvoshlocusé Animar was also a huge imaginary ship named after the principle of Equality. There's too much to talk about though -- as far as the structure of everything in detail and about each individual, but I've had plenty of imaginary friends in which they all formed their own personality with my relationship with them which was fascinating. I've also had a couple of girlfriends such as Nyatja -- an imaginary being from planet Earth who lived on the Severrian seaside (wherever the hell that's at, lol), and Tyra. These were, more-or-less, the main two throughout my relationship with my imaginary friends.
So I've tried plenty of times to get rid of them because I am not able to clearly see who I am within relation of myself in every moment -- thus hiding behind my mind-friends -- deceiving myself within my perception and reality within/as interacting with others. So I had to create a way to get rid of them.
My last mind-friends were named Caldera, Tetraszyndrekclvanijkhu (TE-TRUH-SIN-DREK-VAN-JI-KOO; Tetra for short), and Tetra's mother -- Aelaszyndrekclvanijkhu (AY-LUH-SIN-DREK-VAN-JI-KOO; Aela for short) from the world of Iinsen -- which is the same world where my imaginary girlfriend 'Atyrahnormanczek' (Tyra for short) was from (which I talked briefly about earlier). The world of Iinsen is a world full of Caucasian-like people with black hair, very logical, orderly, and stoic.
Atyrahnormanczek was a Geronian from that planet and grew up as a 'slow learner' not progressing as many others progressed in certain areas of study, but many times she expressed an interest in the dynamics of space travel. In latter years, Tyra gained enough knowledge to invent fusion propulsion for ships and was acknowledged as the first female Geronian that had intricate knowledge of the dynamics of fusion thrust which got her aboard the Corvhoshlocusé Animar mothership. Tyra then began to learn the structure and dynamics of artificial intelligence and became an Artificial Intelligence Engineer on board and created and directed the artificial intelligence that was used on that ship. She had acute telepathic and telekinetic skills as all of them had the ability to do back on Iinsen.
She was very attracted to my intelligence. I forgot how we met though, but nevertheless, we got into a relationship together and hit it off very well. She was a so-called 'dream girl' -- a girl that had the characteristics of logic, order and apathy. So I guess I created that image of my 'dream girl' within my head. Nyatja is nothing like Tyra though.
Nyatja was the rugged type of girl. She had hairy legs, muscles... but very 'beautiful' and 'feminine' at the same time. She appeared to be 'Indian' descent, but she was of Native American origin. She was also a hunter and could kill bears with two hunting knives.
Both of these relationships, though, started off as a point of sex (especially Nyatja) because at that time, I was interested in hairy women. Tyra was a little bit different. She was more to establish my 'dream girl' aspect as logical, orderly, and stoic within/as a pictured-presentation... and then sex, lol -- but I couldn't never be as sexual with Tyra as I was with Nyatja because Tyra had a different 'energy' about her wherein' I wasn't as attracted to her as sexually as I was with Nyatja.
So the relationship finally ended when me and Tyra made an agreement to end our relationship because of my process with Desteni. It was very difficult. Now though, I can't get her back because of the cemicals. Let me explain.
After Tyra and all of my mind-friends left (after the agreement was made), the only mind-friend that was left was Aelaszyndrekclvanijkhu. Now Aela was very very direct and straight to the point. She was more of a serious type of person... hardly ever smiled until near the end of our relationship together. She had the swagger like Nyatja, the logic like Tyra and a personality like Eden Sinclair from the movie Doomsday.
Note (From Left to Right): Aela Look-Alike, Caldera Look-Alike & Tetra
So basically after the agreement with me and Tyra, Aela came around. I've only seen her a couple of times before the agreement was put in place. Aela has a child named Tetraszyndrekclvanijkhu -- in which her personality is the opposite of her mom's. She's a lot more bubbly. Now Aela was a lesbian and dated Caldera. Caldera was a tall, long-torsoed well-developed-breasted chick that had a slight punk style to her. She resembled Tyra a little bit but her personality wasn't quite the same as Tyra's.
So I've never had a sexual encounter with Aela and we were never touchy-touchy like me and Tyra was. We tried, but it never worked out. She was willing to try, though, which surprised me. We did sleep together near the end of our relationship, but never actually cuddled until the last days that I associated with her... And the cuddling was more of a 'friendly' cuddling instead of a lovey-dovey type cuddling.
So Aela was very oriented on getting me to transcend my mind-friends. Her and a group of scientists on her planet created a device called a cemical bomb. Basically, it was a bomb that spread 'cemicals' which are imaginary cellular-like microscopic structures that has a fabric of 'erasing' the integrity of mind-relationships of a structure within the mind. The imaginary cellular-like structures would proliferate into a certain space within the physical reality that would 'erase' the 'fabric' of a mind-relationship of the structure that is being supported within the mind. Creating something like this as a 'storyline', my mind had to 'obey' it because the many other times that I would attempt to relieve my imaginary friends, they would come back. So within creating a story, I am able to 'follow' that story -- which is how my relationships with all of my mind-friends have grown into/as -- a story that proliferated itself to form other stories and relationships creating new mind-friends and a more robust relationship with the entire imaginary friend relationship complexity.
So the cemicals were spread in Durban, South Africa where I was supposedly to visit one day. Once I come into the range of the cemicals, they would infiltrate within/as me and 'delete' the relationship that I had with my mind-friends. At that time of inventing them, they were very 'weak', so not as strong as the last cemicals. Basically, it wasn't known that if the cemicals were able to be idled as a 'group' in a 'shell' for a long period of time, they would invest a lot of strength from the idling period. Thus, the cemicals were spread in Durban after three weeks of creating the cemicals, but Aela wanted to transcend herself and the rest of my mind-friends sooner, so they created some shelled cemicals that resembled round randomly-colored balls. The cellular-like structures were on the inside of the balls grouped together in the shell.
So basically, I was watching a video of Sunette one day talking about something in relation to stopping the mind and Aela had one of the cemical balls in her hand. She threw it up in the air while I was sitting down watching the video, and I didn't see her for a day. So she played with that again, and at the time, it wasn't known that the cemicals invest strength from idling. Well she did it again later on in the week and I didn't see her for about two days. Later on near the end of our relationship, Caldera and Tetra told me to throw five of them in the air and I never saw them again, lol -- because the cemicals invested strength from idling for a long period of time in a shell causing a 'lingering' effect wherein their 'fabric' -- as the 'connector' of mind-placements as 'Caldera' and 'Tetra' would cease to exist.
Caldera and Tetra actually came a little bit later during my relationship with Aela. Aela introduced me to Caldera, but I already knew Tetra even before Aela. Tetra and I would talk about various things. She's good at asking questions. Caldera was cool. I actually didn't know much about her, but she was nothing like Tyra even though they slightly resembled. Her expression was a bit more laid-back.
So when Aela came back the second time, she stayed for a while. I thought she was going to stay longer until she told me on January 8th, 2011 that she had a 'feeling' that her time was almost up. She then began to throw up some residual cemical particles that she had in her -- which didn't make her disappear or anything. Basically, the five cemicals that I threw at Caldera and Tetra, destroyed the whole fabric of the Spiritous Galaxy in about 13 weeks. That was the calculation. The Spiritous Galaxy is the galaxy wherein all of my mind-friends are placed in with the exception of the ones from the Mentorean Galaxy in the Liķhshkeshwųusdoug (LIK-SHESH-WOOSH-DUG) Solar System -- which is comprised of mainly androgynous beings. Dionysius came down spontaneously from one of the planets within the Solar System on January 8th 2011. Dionysius is one of the androgynous beings that resemble Ollon-Korona. Basically, Dionysius came to finish my interaction with all of my mind-friends by taking Aela to their planet and setting a 'veil' around the whole galaxy. Well, me and Aela had our last conversation with a kiss, but it wasn't a passionate kiss. It was kind of a joke to show us how we weren't attracted to each other intimately. After the kiss, we said, "Ewwww!" LOL, and then Aela went off. When I got home, I saw a bowl of cemicals under the bed, so I through them everywhere, and that ended my total interaction with my mind-friends.
So after that point, I've been having desires to actually speak with Tyra again. She'd 'come back' as if she really came back -- with a tight silver alien-looking space suit on and attempt to speak as if she was 'Tyra'. The point has been a little bit tough because missing my mind-friends has been prominent sometimes. I just want to touch Tyra and 'hold' her as if she was 'real', lol. So a scene would attempt to play in my head as if Tyra is 'talking' to me, and it would be 'sensitive' meaning that it would be spontaneous and easy to 'imagine'. So from this point, I am pushing myself to live the point of Self 'here' in/as the physical reality because my mind-friends were always me as a reflection of my own self. The question is, why do I have to 'find' myself within my imaginary friends when I was 'right here' all along? LoL......
Friday, January 14th 2010
So it's gotten a little bit easier. I haven't been having images of Tyra as I was before. I just have to learn to 'walk' as who I am 'here' without any manipulation of what I am accepting and allowing in every moment by not communicating or interacting with my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and 'imaginary friends'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'want' to 'feel special' by having imaginary friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'specialize' my mind-friends -- giving them 'precedence' of what is 'here' within/as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'specialize' my mind-friends as something 'bigger' / 'more than' who I am and what is 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility and realize that all is me and 'all' is what I create within/as me as a personality structure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'special' for having mind-friends because of the point of deeming it 'difficult' to 'relate' to people -- creating a 'personality' of, and justifying me within/as the point of introversion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the point of 'difficulty' towards communicating with people.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that interacting with my mind as 'mind-friends' is creating manipulation of the physical reality and creating the physical as the reflection of the mind through / as experiences instead of standing as the physical in 'purity' of / as what is 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'past' is 'separate' from who I am 'here' and that I have to 'recreate' the past through / within nostalgia.
I forgive myself for 'separating' who I am 'here' with the past -- believing that I am 'separate' from the past -- not taking responsibility for who I am AS the 'manifested past'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'mind' is 'more than' who I am and that I have to 'develop' my mind in such a way to become 'powerful'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a 'mental disorder' within/as the relationship with my mind-friends in order to be 'different, and to 'see different'.... to 'act different'.... to 'live' a point that was based on 'desire'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to myself 'behind' relationship through establishing 'relationship' with my mind based on 'mind-friends' -- instead of establishing 'relationship' here within/as the physical.... 'relating' to what is 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'abdicate' myself from what is 'here' by hiding in thoughts, feelings and emotions -- of / as the 'mind' (and ego) instead of taking self-responsibility for the moment 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'abdicate' myself from what is 'here' through 'wishing' for me to 'travel space' -- to 'run away' from what has been accepted and allowed to exist 'here' and bring a 'heaven' within 'ego' and self-interest instead of taking self-responsibility for what is 'here'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am able to create 'Equality' within/as who I am as a 'personality' -- living that point as a 'possession' and as a 'deception' of / as Self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'accept' myself as being 'difficult to relate to' -- instead of 'challenging' that point as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as 'wishful thinking'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as 'wishful thinking' within the point of 'women' -- being afraid to 'talk' to women by the belief that it is not 'acceptable' -- thus creating female 'mind-friends' to 'fulfill' a 'gap' -- creating 'deception' within/as my relationship with my mind-friends as a specific 'array' of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'lesbians' dislike who I am because of my 'sex' -- thus compensating for that apparent 'belief' by creating 'lesbian' mind-friends to 'fulfill' a 'gap' -- creating 'deception' within/as my relationship with my mind-friends as a specific 'array' of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'not special' and not 'favored' by the apparent 'higher evolved' alien beings -- thus compensating for that apparent 'belief' by creating 'alien' mind-friends to 'fulfill' a 'gap' -- creating 'deception' within/as my relationship with my mind-friends as a specific 'array' of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not 'special enough' because of not having the 'privilege' to be 'abducted' by a highly-evolved 'alien race' -- thus compensating for that apparent 'belief' by creating 'alien' mind-friends to 'fulfill' a 'gap' -- creating 'deception' within/as my relationship with my mind-friends as a specific 'array' of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as 'wishful thinking' within the point of 'aliens' -- believing 'aliens' are / have 'the answer'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'logic' is / has the 'answer' to everything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I incorporate 'logic' within my everyday life, I will be 'favored' by alien beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'live' as a point of 'wishful thinking' of desiring 'alien contact' to 'take me away' from 'reality'.