Self-Forgiveness (11-22-2010)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'image' defines who I am as a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my life based on the 'image' of how I believe I should be based on my gender as a man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'image' creates 'expression' instead of realizing that I am 'expression' non-dependent on 'image'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'better' than people who have a family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'better' than people who have kids and grow to 'love' them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attempt to define myself as 'gay' or 'straight' believing that if I 'find' my sexual identity, I have now 'found' myself. Quite frankly, I cannot unequivocally define my sexual identity because it's partially fluid, therefore, I shouldn't have to define myself as something that has a continuous flux. This is the same with my gender identity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attempt to define myself as a specific gender identity believing that if I 'find' my gender identity, I have now 'found' myself.

Aela: Aren't you a man?

Leon: Yes, but what is a man?

Aela: A physiological being with the SRY gene.

Leon: I'm talking about mentality here.

Aela: Oh okay. You need to stop trying to 'find' yourself through 'words' and to realize that you are 'here' equal and one as all. Some people make 'finding themselves' through a specific word a spiritual quest.

Leon: Yeah

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to 'find' myself through words, and my past believing that the foundation of who I need to be is based on how I once walked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is special.

My past creates who I am, but I don't have to walk as my past. I can birth myself in the present and live 'here as breath' in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I define myself as a female, I'll be happier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I was a transsexual, I'll be happier.

Aela: Answer this. What would make you happier being a female?

Leon: Freedom from the point of having to be masculine because I am a male.

Aela: Well then that is the point that you have to work on -- tearing down gender constructs.

Leon: I've been doing that.

Aela: But it hasn't been effective enough.

Leon: What the hell do I need to do?

Aela: That's for you to figure out.