Me and Women

So a lot of my personality is derived by the reaction from the belief in Greenwichë Florzälclivette -- which is a word that I made up because of the belief that I have bad luck with women in this lifetime because of the belief that in a past life, I raped many women. This has caused me to play a sexless and unemotional role, as a man, towards women. I have prominent thoughts that women are unemotional because of how they are trying to get themselves together and 'start over' and keep from getting into relationships that are abusive. In other words, they are learning to be independent and self-sufficient -- emotionally and mentally. So that means that I don't need to get in their way. Also, there is a point wherein when I look at women, they quickly turn the other way as to not look at me. This has also caused me to believe that women are unemotional. I used to react badly from this and still have some form of reaction, but what I do is I try to do it faster than them. When a female looks at me, I simply quickly turn the other way as to not form any kind of attachment by staring at them intimately into their eyes.

When I was young, I used to ask many women to become involved in a relationship with them. If I didn't ask, I attempted to show signs of me liking them. After the fifth, sixth, seventh try, I start conjuring up the concept that I'm just not woman material. I don't know where I came up with the concept of me believing that, in a past life, I raped a lot of women. I think it's just from watching heterogeneous videos of women being abused and relating that within my experience of women trying to get their lives together by going to school and work and making something happen for themselves. Usually, this type of reaction / commitment comes from getting out of a 'bad' relationship with a partner that 'held' them down. But we all know that it was their initial choice to be held down, but many don't see it that way. So it's like a game of 'energy' -- "I am going to make something for myself now because I've been weighed down by various external factors within various relationships in the past."

So within my life, I learned, through this reaction that was provoked, to be unemotional and semi-aloof towards women and to always present a professional attitude -- because that's what it's about. I know that's bullshit, but that is my thoughts toward women. So when I see a woman, I talk about school and work, but nothing on a more personal level. I think one of the primary factors of why I am cautious when it comes to becoming personal is because when I, at the time, was asking women for their phone numbers, they would say, "No." So I thought this was a sort of disrespectful inquiry, so I took that as a partial 'offense' and stopped myself from talking about personal things toward women. This also goes for physical touching -- to not touch a woman physically whether it's sexual or not. Basically, with all of the rules that society has created / conjured up about how we should behave, I attempted to behave that way. Society basically wants the mass to represent a conservative outlook which doesn't involve sex or personal expression. Basically, society wants the mass to be batteries to a fucked-up system and adjust to the enslavement principles of what it means to 'live' -- which involves control through profit.

Within my days here within the world, I can say that most of my behavior is an effect of the past. That is everyone's plight. I attempt to keep a professional attitude and do the 'right' thing which is to make money, educate myself, learn as much vocabulary as I can because that is the acceptable way to talk. If you look at formal letters and other various writings, you will find that many of those writings are written professionally. Thus, everything that is considered frivolous is not sufficient to appropriate within ones daily life. In other words, the 'serious' factor seems to outweigh frivolity. So I myself have been trying to form myself into what I 'believe' that women really want: perfection, class, specificity, trust, loyalty, intelligence, independence, apathy and logic. Because of the high-interest in formulating myself within these specific points, I don't really use women as the reason why I 'pursue' these points (as myself). I never really did on a conscious level, but women are one of the primary points why I wanted to 'mold' myself into these points on a subjective level.

So later on, I formed imaginary friends as 'reflections' of these points. I created, within my mind, a planet called Iinsen that habitats people that are considered perfectionists, classy, specific, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, independent, apathetic and logical. Also, these are points that are antithetical of how people are on Earth, thus, being the direct 'reflection' of people on Earth.

Tyra was one of the many mind-friends that I developed that was from that planet. She was actually a derivation from Seven-of-Nine from Star Trek. Seven-of-Nine is considered one of my 'dream' girls, thus, I wanted to create a 'reflection' of her within my mind and communicate with that 'reflection' mentally as a constructed psychological formulated entity (imaginary friend). We got into a 'relationship' later on and we became very close, but I had to let her go because I was simply mind-fucking myself because of the fact that she isn't physical. I was, in a sense, not wanting to face myself within this reality towards people (especially women). I have to 'accept' the fact that many women (and people in general) are not all perfectionists, classy, specific, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, independent, apathetic and logical, but are are actually, within some level, semi-coordinated, not very specific, not as trustworthy, not very loyal, not very intelligent (depending on the mental construct and genetic placement of the individual), can be co-dependent or dependent (on an emotional level), not apathetic and not logical. Even though it is clearly seen that people behave this way more than the aforementioned, my mind (as who I am) always reverts back to the idea that people are all perfectionists, classy, specific, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, independent, apathetic and logical.

So I can say that my mind-friends is a reflection of what I have 'developed' myself to become through the span of time, but maybe these things were already programmed in me before I was even born into this reality. To summarize the behavior of my mind-friends, most, if not all, of them are perfectionists, classy, specific, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, independent, apathetic and logical. Plus, they are my mentors. When I need assistance with something pertaining to this reality, I'd turn to them for the answer which is a direct reflection of who I think I was back in a past life.

I believe in a past life that I had a similar family construct wherein I learned many things from my family as a child in which I died as a child (because I don't remember growing up). This point has been prominent throughout my life. My family were actually perfectionists, classy, specific, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, independent, apathetic and logical. They didn't cling to thoughts, feelings and emotions as reactions. Thus within this lifetime, whether the story is true or not, it has been difficult for me to accept people as beings that have a foundation of thoughts, feelings, and emotions as reactions. Because one thing that I do is I incline to turn to people for the answer and image them as sophisticated as my mind-friends and the 'family' that I had back in a past life, but when I see the behavior of the mass as diverging off of the 'sophisticated' mark into their own thoughts, feelings and emotions as reactions, I tend to be perplexed by it.

So in relation to women, I see women are 'more than' or 'better than' who I am, in general, just because of their image presentation as how they look -- putting on the impression that they are perfectionists, classy, specific, trustworthy, loyal, intelligent, independent, apathetic and logical, and that they are trying to 'get somewhere' in life re-establishing who they are towards self-growth.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as 'less than' women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who and how a person is based on their image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'need' women to validate who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 'need' a relationship in order to be validated and as the definition of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base women as a point of 'need' through the point of 'sex' -- believing that if I have sex with a female, I am now accepted by all women as a 'real' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want / believe that I need to 'change' who I am in order to fit the description of how a woman sees / wants a man to be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the definition of what a man is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the 'ego' of a 'man' instead of realizing that I am 'here' within/as a male physical body not defined by the role of how a male should operate within/as the construct of a particular behavior that is given / has been defined by the mass.

Opinions are the building blocks of illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become the definition of what it means to be a man (so I can have relationships and sex).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my duty to 'win' a woman over in order to establish a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base life / happiness as having a relationship and sex with a female.

Leon: But it is good.

Aela: You never had sex nor a relationship. Plus, it is the point of the starting point for having a relationship and sex with the particular person. Are you involved within the relationship as a point of 'energy' -- attempting to satisfy a particular 'energetic point' that is the foundation of why you're in the relationship and having sex in the first place? Soon, the 'energy' will subside and then you will become to realize that you've just fucked yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my duty to find happiness within/as the construct of a relationship and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness as satisfying a particular 'energetic' point within/as me believing that finding and satisfying these points, I become whole and complete.

I forgive myself for not realizing what is 'here' within the physical and the 'truth' of our actual nature.