01 October 2010

Thursday, September 30, 2010

So today I masturbated, but it was a 'dry' masturbation. I didn't use lubricant, and didn't ejaculate. After the 9th day, it became more difficult to direct myself accordingly because the temptation was a lot stronger. I 'failed' the 21 days to self-freedom of masturbation.

Speaking of 21 days to self-freedom, today, I was going do a 21 days to self-freedom from my mind-friends, but that didn't last. I was going to make a commitment to Raca, who is Tyra's friend, for her to be the point to have all of my mind-friends terminate communication with me, but there is a lingering point wherein mind-friends become very assisting and that is the point wherein I am able to ask myself questions from a third-person point-of-view utilizing my mind-friends to get to the 'core' of an issue. Raca had asked Tyra to come back to be with me, but Tyra didn't comply stating that it has been plenty of times wherein we would 'break up' to allow me to 'make a stand' and stop communication with my mind-friends. This time, Tyra is 'serious' and is not going to communicate with me further, according to Raca, to allow myself to 'see' myself 'without' her and to exercise the point of 'making a stand' to terminate my communication with my mind friends.

Other than mind-friends, today I've been desiring relationship more. I realize how committed I am of having a relationship that is based on reforming self through the deconstruction of mind constructs and establishing self here as an equal to all. I thought about how many have relationships that are simply lived out of self-interest into marriage, and then having kids and shit, in total, based purely on feelings alone. I have been desiring agreement, and have been turning down relationship and sex-potentials for a future agreement, but at the same time, it's like I've been wanting to experience the point of making-love with someone and sex, and even simply sleeping with someone. There's the point of 'cuddling' that comes through too.

So I've been having desires to go back to Christianity and be the 'best' at it. I know that this is a resonant point and is strong. My sister, I haven't been knowing her long, but she is a Christian and writes many points on Facebook that has to do with God and it's like one reason that I want to go back is to 'win' her accepting me as her brother. I asked her today how she 'feels' about me being her brother, and she said that I 'feel' like a 'bro' -- whatever that means, lol. We don't have a very close relationship, but it's 'close' enough. She's kinda shy -- something that I didn't expect because of her being a 'fighter' in school. I think all-in-all, It 'feels good' to have a sister. Actually, it feels a little too good because it's like I am able to 'identify' my 'feminine' point through her as her. But also, going to church it's like I want to be the 'best' Christian and committed to God. All of these videos that Bernard makes and I'm asking myself why is this even crossing my mind? Lol.... Sometimes, it's so bad that there is a point in me that just wants to say, "Thank you Jesus.", and stop cussing.....

My point in SRA, I've been feeling dumb. Bella is my buddy and I feel like a child sometimes not understanding where she's coming from within the SRA. I've scammed through Cameron's work and it's like I've been wishing that I was as 'intelligent' as him and then Bella would simply be like, "Cool stuff!" instead of having to explain to me what I am not doing. She's been too good of a buddy that I feel guilty for not understanding where she's coming from. I almost wanted to give up SRA for thinking that I'm too 'dumb' to be involved with it. I'm realizing that I'm doing my assignments the 'logical' way -- which is the 'incorrect' way. I've been so 'logical' through my life it's like I'm having to see things 'differently' when 'deconstructing' the mind. That's probably why it's difficult for me to accept my videos or write because they are not coherent or 'patternized'.

Today I looked at the men's and women's bathrooms and wondered why they are apart. And then the point came that men and women suppose to be separate from each other which influenced the thought that that's probably why it's so hard for me to have a relationship with a female because it's like we suppose to be separate. I was raised to think that way and as adults, it's the same way. Everything that pertains to sex is hidden. So when I look at a female, I see them as 'separate' and that I shouldn't think about them sexually because it's inappropriate. Sex is inappropriate. Bullshit. There's someone on my Facebook account; she's a female and she's so open sexually, and I like that point of her. Her last quote was, "my hands r full can sumbody scratch my booty. pleeease?" Lol, I get a kick out of her because she doesn't give a shit like 99% of women do about sex.

Raca: Lol, that percentage is too high....

Leon: Chuckles

No comments:

Post a Comment