Wearing Bracelets

I was cleaning out the closet on May 19th, and at 10:45 AM I saw a couple of bracelets that I used to wear when I was cross-dressing. When I put on the bracelets, there was a sudden rise in energy-experience (such as a feeling) that I labelled as a 'feminine' experience. There was also an 'experience' within myself of which I seen myself while wearing the particular bracelets as being a 'diva'. A 'diva' is basically a female that supposedly has great style and personality with confidence, and expresses their own style and not letting others influence who they are or want to be.

I see, realize, and understand within this how I am, essentially, projecting my own 'personality' to clothes. So here I'd like to write some self-forgiveness statements for this point. Self-forgiveness for me -- is me gifting myself, through writing, the opportunity to look back at my experiences, and release any emotional reactions that I attached to 'femininity', and within this, realize that it was never about me wanting to just 'express' femininity, but using 'femininity' as a way to 'compare' myself with females within the world that 'rejected' me so that I can feel 'likeable' and 'accepted' by females through 'cross-dressing'.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it was never about me wanting to just 'express' femininity, but using 'femininity' as a way to 'compare' myself with females within the world that 'rejected' me so that I can feel 'likeable' and 'accepted' by females through 'cross-dressing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being 'liked' or 'accepted' by others, and so use what I perceive as a 'feminine expression' (through cross-dressing) to get females to 'like' and 'accept' me as an 'individual'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on being 'liked' and 'accepted' by others in order to be an 'individual'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be an 'individual' is to be 'liked' and 'accepted' by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative energy-experience (within becoming emotional) through me being rejected by "CPepper" as a 'worthy enough' person to be her 'boyfriend' (at the time) because of how she perceived my physical appearance as a male as not 'enticing enough', and so use 'cross-dressing' as a way to look and feel 'beautiful' and 'enticing' so that I can be accepted by females as a 'worthy enough' friend or 'boyfriend' to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'rejected' by my biological father for not being present with me in my early ages, and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from 'females' and 'femininity', and so use 'cross-dressing' as a way to 'merge' myself with the 'expression' of 'femininity' as a means of attempting to 'fulfill the void' of not having a relationship with a female. And so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through cross-dressing, I can 'gain' that same 'experience' with myself as how I experience myself with 'females', and as a result, believe that I will have lessened my 'desire' for a 'relationship' with a female.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'alone', and so within this fear of being alone, use my experience and memories of my desire for particular females within my life, and how they looked and smelled and channel those experiences and memories into clothes and body spray as a means to generate that same 'experience' again within myself through cross-dressing -- believing that I can 'become' that experience as a means to keep myself 'company' so that I do not have to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear of being alone to the absence of memories and the absence of physical stimuli, such as smell, that stimulates my memories, and thus, my desires for relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the memory of when my step-dad called me ugly, and so within this, use this as a self-definition of myself within my life and experiences within life of which from, within this, use cross-dressing as a way to make myself 'attractive' and 'enticing' to females.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative energy-experience (within becoming emotional) through me being rejected by "TJ" at K. High School when I asked for her phone number, called it, and realized that the number was a non-working number, and so use 'cross-dressing' as a way to 'feel good' and 'confident' about myself as a way of 'compensating' for the 'lack' of confidence that I had when I asked "TJ" for her phone number, and the 'sadness' that I experienced when I called it and realized that it didn't work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason that most females did not 'like' me in the 'past' was because of me not being 'confident' enough, and having enough 'style' or 'personality' as a male in order to 'stimulate' the female, and so within this, use 'cross-dressing' a way to 'feel confident' about myself, and to have 'style' and 'personality' as a way to 'please' and 'stimulate' females, and thus from within that, change their 'perspective' or 'view' of me as a male.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to have 'confidence', 'style', and 'personality' is equal to, as a female, being a 'diva', and so within this, use cross-dressing as an attempt to become a 'diva'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason that I was 'rejected' by most females in my life was because I wasn't 'confident' enough in 'standing up' against a female's point-of-view and 'opinions' about things: believing that a female will 'appreciate' me more if she feels that her 'point-of-view' and 'standing' is being 'challenged' by a male as a way to 'prove' her confidence to herself, and from that, give the male 'more respect' that is trying to 'challenge' her.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a 'diva' when cross-dressing to become that very same 'personality' of 'confidence' that I see in females -- believing that a female's confidence is 'more superior' than a male's confidence because of the belief that it is, ultimately, the female that chooses the male to be in a relationship with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this to the memory of me seeing a man, within my life, physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse a female to get her to 'marry' her, believing that within this, since I was not able to physically do anything to 'save' the woman because of my physical size at the time, and because the particular male had to go to that 'extent' just to get the female to marry him, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'project' this 'difficulty' to / towards females, believing that it is 'difficult' for me to have a relationship with a female, and so within this, use cross-dressing a way to 'feel equal' to females.abused

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that memory of me seeing the woman that was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by a man within cross-dressing, and because I resembled her in cross-dressed form, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct that memory through cross-dressing by making myself appear 'more confident' as a means of giving that 'confidence' to that female within the memory through myself within cross-dressing.

I see, realize, and understand that my definition of 'confidence' is based on how I perceive other individuals within my life, their behavior, their style, their personalities, etc. I see, realize, and understand that real confidence is not contingent on other's expressions nor contingent on memories within myself of seeing others within my life and comparing their confidence-level with mine. I see, realize, and understand that confidence is, in-fact, based on that self-trust, within myself, which is that trust in knowing that I am 'here', and that I do not have to depend on others' expressions to make me who I am within how I physically move, how I behave, and how I express myself.

Thus, I commit myself to establish that self-trust within myself within becoming aware of who I am within how I physically move, how I behave, and how I express myself, and I commit myself to investigate my memories throughout the day, and the specific behaviors thereof, of myself within the memory, and see / become aware of how I aligned that or those behaviors within my memories, to my behaviors that I express within my life to others, and within that, correct that behavior in physical reality as a means of changing who I am in relationship to how I physically move and express myself.