Here in this blog, I am sharing my experience with tics. I have not been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome, but I have all of the symptoms of Tourette's which are both motor and vocal tics. Here in this blog, I'd like to discuss how I have experienced myself as being intellectually inferior when it comes to being out in the public. I realize how I primarily judge myself as becoming 'intellectually inferior' when I'm at work because at work, you spend a great deal of time with the same people -- that you begin to create different types of 'relationships' with them which activate certain behaviors within yourself, contingent upon the particular 'impressions' that you have about the other person / people. There are some particular people wherein, because of the assistance that I give them, there is this relationship that is developed where I define myself in relation to them as being 'intellectually sound' or 'superior' due to my ability to assist them proficiently and effectively. But with me having these tics that have a similitude to Tourette's Syndrome, my relationship to them changes. In other words, my definition of myself in relation to other individuals change where I believe that their impression of me changes, and in this case, the impression would be in relation to 'intelligence' wherein I believe that their impression of my intellectual ability and capacity changes to having an acute (sharp) or 'sound' intellect to 'declining' intelligence -- which means that my intellectual sharpness (or acuteness) is declining -- which is not really the case, but it has been my fear of what others think of me because it was always my own fear within myself. So in this blog, I'd like to write some self-forgiveness statements for accepting and allowing myself to fear something, which is in this case -- fearing to lose my 'intelligence' because of the fear that I will not be 'liked' by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by others, and so because of this fear of not being liked by others, form a 'relationship' with others where my intellectual capacity becomes one of the main attributes that I show to others so that I can get people to 'like' me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how this desire to be 'intelligent' comes from when I was young, and was told that I did not have sufficient 'common sense' like 'everyone else', and so instead of directing the point through investigating what common sense is, and investigating the origins within myself and the experiences that led to the reason why I reacted to the person that told me that I do not have a lot of common sense, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people and events, situations, and circumstances and not realize how me reacting to people / events / situations / circumstances, such as when the particular person told me that I did not have a lot of common sense -- that I reinforce my relationship having lack of 'common sense', and will try to become the 'opposite' -- which is having and showing 'intelligence' to get others to 'like' me, and thus, create the 'illusion' that if others 'like' me, I must have 'common sense'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I use others and befriend others to reinforce my relationship to everything that I do not want to 'face' within myself -- which is everything that I react to -- both 'positively' and 'negatively', and that if I do not investigate what is, in-fact, creating these 'positive' or 'negative' reactions within myself, that I will always be enslaved to the reaction(s) within myself, and believe that because I have 'friends' and 'family' that 'like' me, and 'enjoy' me -- that I must be 'okay'.
When and as I see myself having a tendency of going into a reaction within myself when I am having a motor or verbal display of tics that other people 'notice', I stop, and breathe. Instead of going into the reaction, of embarrassment, for instance, I investigate the reaction, and I investigate the origins within myself and the experiences that led to the reason that is creating the tendency to go into a reaction, or the 'desire' to react in 'embarrassment'. I realize that the people that I react to (positively and negatively), that I was never 'real' with them in the first place, but putting on a 'character role' or a 'personality' to get them to 'see' me in a specific way so that I can 'protect' that which I am really covering up -- which is my fear of not being liked.
I commit myself to turn 'reactions' into 'expressions' where I do not have to befriend others and create reactions to them and with them to get them to like me, and return the favor which creates the 'illusion' of 'friendship', but that I can turn 'reactions' into 'expressions' by being aware of what I am accepting and allowing in each and every moment within myself, and thus do not need to 'react', but that all interactions with others become decisions where I decide to do what I 'will' myself to do with others instead of allowing reactions as 'emotions' and 'feelings' to be / become the decision-maker for me through me not being aware of the intricacies of what is in-fact really happening in communication with others physically. I see, realize, and understand that I cannot be 'here' in physical reality if I am allowing reactions as 'emotions' and 'feelings' to be / become my decision maker where I do things and speak words from the starting-point of an emotional or feeling reaction because I see, realize, and understand that emotions and feelings can only operate on an emotional and feeling level within the mind, thus, I realize, that I cannot be 'here' and 'stable' in physical reality if I am in my mind accepting and allowing myself to be / become directed by emotional and feeling behavior. Thus, I stop. I am 'here'.