Self-Dishonest Point of Going to Church

I went to church on Sunday, May 1st 2011. My pseudo-mother called me: which is a friend-of-mine's mother which I have been knowing for approximately 7 years: from the date and month of May 2011. I was in the bed that morning when she called me. In my mind I was like, "What does she want now?" Within that statement, I realize that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest in her presence, but instead, utilized 'kindness' to 'feed' her every 'financial' need.

She asked me to take her to church for a pastor-and-wife anniversary. From my perspective, I wanted to go, but for the most part, I didn't want to go. I simply wanted to go to see the pastor: because I used to be a member of the church. Thus, seeing the pastor would 're-member' my memories that I have about him. For the most part though, I didn't want to go because in order to be acquainted with him again would entail that I sit in the church service and hear the sermon and be 'one with' the congregation as they 'enjoy' the 'presence of the Lord'.

I didn't want to go through the whole rigmarole because I had other stuff that I wanted to do that day which was to 'blog' about certain points that I was going to blog about. Sitting in the church would entail approximately three to five ours wasted on bullshit.

I sat through, virtually, the whole church service. There was this girl that I saw in the church service. The girl was attractive, and I knew that she had a 'resonant attraction' to me also. I never saw her before in the past when I was an active member of the church. After church service, she said, "Hi.", and waved at me with enthusiasm. I said, "Hi." also, but was nervous, thus, I did not 'look' into her eyes because of 'fear'.

I kept observing her when me and my 'pseudo-mother' was about to leave. Points came up within me of 'sex' because of her attractive body. Later on, me and "J" talked about being attracted the body and how 'separation' is formed through thoughts, feelings and emotions which are 'generated' by the mind because of the 'shape' of the body and the 'assets' thereof.

Points I Saw Within This:

• Identification of me being 'separate' from the body.
• Identification of me being 'separate' from the female.
• Identification of me being 'less than' the 'physical body'.
• Identification of me seeing the body as 'more than' me.
• Identification with the construct of 'beauty' / 'ugly' polarity and believing that 'beauty' and 'ugly' exists.
• Identification with the 'breath' being 'separate' from the body.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from the female as I identify as the 'ego' -- needing a female to fulfill me in order to be happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from 'happiness' as I identify as the 'ego' -- needing to be 'fulfilled' by happiness: so I go out and 'look' for happiness perceived 'separate' from me in order to 'gain' that which I believe I don't have -- to become the 'ego's definition' of 'more than' the 'integrity' of who I am presently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'less than' that which I am 'seeking' in order to become the 'perception' of 'more than' the 'integrity' of who I am presently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'less than' the 'physical body', and so within that, seek another physical body that I perceive as 'more than' in order to 'feel complete'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the body as 'more than' me, instead of realizing that I am the 'breath' equal and one within/as the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'beauty' and 'ugly' exists as I identify as the ego -- judging others within the construct of 'beauty' and 'ugly' because I have 'judged' myself by comparing my physical body with the physical body of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from the body instead of realizing that I am the 'breath' equal and one within/as the physical body.

Self-Corrective Statements:

I am the 'breath' equal and one within/as the physical body, therefore, I am neither 'less than' or 'more than' another 'physical body'.

Defining myself as 'less than' another physical body is self-abuse; Defining myself as 'more than' another physical body is self-abuse.

Self-Corrective Application:

When I see myself go into a pattern of judging another as 'beautiful' / 'ugly', I stop myself, look at the 'motivating point' of what causes me to go into a point of judgment and apply self-forgiveness respectively.

To 'push' self to the point where the 'actual self' is birthed through self-forgiveness, self-honesty and practical application in day to day life, standing as Self and assisting each other to create a world where all life is truly honored for eternity.