Resisting Communication

Here in this blog, I am writing about communication, which is a point that emerged on March 26th 2015 that I will investigate in this blog using self-forgiveness. Communication has always been a point that I feared, but I realize that what I am actually fearing is all of the thoughts and emotions that emerge in that moment of communcation that I resist understanding in relation to becoming aware of the reason that the particular thoughts and emotions are emerging in that moment. If you'd like to know more about self-forgiveness, you can read my blog about self-forgiveness here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist communication with another because of connecting it to intimacy and how I have defined 'intimacy' within my mind that I 'act out' with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach 'feelings' to 'intimacy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use 'desire' (which is a decision to allow myself to conform to a particular 'state of mind' because of the belief that I do not have 'enough' of that experience) -- to elicit feelings, and not realize that the moment that I make a decision to 'desire' something or someone is the moment that I, within myself, create a pattern.... a blueprint.... which becomes a script that I 'act out' like a program that I use to program my words and actions in specific ways that I will perceive is 'me' speaking those words and expressing those actions to others, and not realize that it was programmed by a 'feeling' or a 'state of mind' that I subjected myself to using 'desire' as its 'platform'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform to a particular 'state of mind' because of the belief that rI do not have 'enough' of that experience, and so believe that I need to experience it in order to 'feel' complete or 'whole'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program my words and actions through emotions and feelings, and thus, limit my words and actions to only speak / express them contingent on the intensity, strength, speed, etc. of a particular emotion or feeling that is developing in that particular moment which creates a 'desire' or a 'tendency' to speak words and express actions that have no self-depth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself from self-intimacy, and to instead, seek an emotional connection with someone that I have already, in my mind, created some 'feelings' or a 'likeness' about, and to define that point, act, or experience of communicating with them as an 'intimate moment' instead of realizing how that moment is already scripted / programmed because of how I already have a definition and 'idea' about the person that I am communicating with based on equivocal 'feelings' that I have inflated in my mind.

I commit myself to take each moment as a new moment, and to stop superceding reality with memories and emotions that can overlap with reality, and obscure reality to such an extent that I begin interpreting reality with thoughts, memories, and emotions of the past.

I commit myself to redefine 'intimacy' as the process of taking each and every moment, and seeing what kind of thoughts, memories, and emotions emerge within myself, and to within that point of 'seeing' -- write down or take note of the particular thoughts, and see how they contribute to me responding in particular ways when I approach a situation.

I commit myself to SEE-INTO-ME in every moment which becomes an opportunity and a process that gives the word 'intimacy' some depth rather than just an 'experience' that is created by thoughts, memories, emotions, etc.... I commit myself to dissect the particular thoughts, emotions, memories, etc. that emerge within myself to really see, realize, and understand the fundamental 'essence' of them that create the objective experiences that I participate in.

I commit myself to not just participate in an objective experience / situation but to, like a programmer, see, realize, and understand how I contributed to the 'programming' (which are the fundamentals) of a particular experience that is being shown to me in a particular moment.