Day 3 | Man of God

When I was Christian, I had these episodes of seeing myself as this black, righteous, moral man of God. It's like seeing yourself in disgust because I knew that I was being self-dishonest. My image appeared to be perfect: I'm a Christian; I'm a man of God; I pray; I trust God; I give God 10% of my check for tithes; I wear formal pants and a formal shirt with a tie at church which means that I have dignity; I don't cuss; I have a bible; I have given my whole life to God, etc.

It was like I cut off many other parts of my life to present this image of me being a 'righteous' man. And deep within me I wanted to present myself as a female to remove that image of me being a man that suppose to have this righteous image, who will eventually marry a sanctified female and have kids, and live a life of fearing (respecting) God.

First of all, within that, I realized that I had issues about my appearance as a male based on connecting the relationship with African-American males' images to righteousness. And who am I within this righteousness? Within righteousness I am a servant to the Lord, I felt just as that -- a servant -- a slave. I felt controlled, and I directly connected the opposite of the desire to be this female to rebellion. Why a female? Because females are shaped different than the man, and thus, within this point -- represented rebellion because I connected the relationship of African-American males' images to righteousness -- which is the reason that I felt disgusted as a man. I saw the female shape as a point of 'escape' from my self-judgment as a 'righteous' 'man of God'. So I needed a different form to represent the opposite as rebellion -- to balance it out. And within this rebellion point, I can thus feel 'free'.

So I know that there was a polarity point manifestation within/as my relationship with Christianity. I placed myself 'less than' Christianity in order to function as a 'Christian' within/as polarity. Thus, I wasn't really actually participating in Christianity, but rather in polarity. I was a Polarity-istian, lol.

Why did I allow myself to go into this polarity? Because I felt that I was being 'controlled' as a Christian, and thus, used polarity as a 'back door' to remain Christian in order to please the others. What was my starting-point of Christianity? It was to be in a position where I know that this is the way, the truth, and the LIFE. And I fervently believed that Christianity was it -- because I always had a desire to find the way the, the truth, and the life, and thus, allowed myself to go into Christianity through FEAR. Wow, it's cool that these points are coming up because I never realized them until I am writing them now. I allowed myself to be manipulated by fear and justified my choice to go into Christianity based on this fear because of the DESIRE to find the way, the truth, and the life of me. Thus, the fear and desire balanced out as another polarity point, and all of these relationship points began to become convicting -- which means that I felt guilty if I disrespected God in any way whatsoever. That disrespect would be questioning God or back-sliding -- meaning that I would be participating in sin.

When I joined Desteni and started my process of stopping the bullshit that I carry within me everyday, I started to feel the same way. I decided to commit myself to a seven-year daily writing point wherein I face myself through and within my writings. So thus within this point, conviction becomes an application wherein I write about whatever point that I participated in that day, and ALLOWED myself to not take self-responsibility to stop myself from sabotaging myself. FOR INSTANCE, this blog -- wherein if I allowed this point of resistance to linger, I would be accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility to stop the cycles of deception. I 'experienced' the point of me wanting to resist committing myself to myself on April 16th 2012, and felt as though I am becoming this 'holy' saint again (like I felt when I was a 'Christian') within this process of stopping my mind participation in points where I allow myself to abuse myself. I mean -- it can be small points like 'desire' -- because within desiring someone, I place myself in a 'less than' position, and thus create/support the belief that I need them to complete me or make me whole. But I realize that within this point, I also accept this type of relationship through EXISTENCE wherein I allow all beings in existence to abuse each other through relationships. I allow all beings to exist within needing another person to complete them -- needing to become fulfilled by another because they don't feel whole -- and allow ALL SYSTEMS to exist within this foundation wherein this point becomes something that is made reasonable through our existence. And that is why many of us can't see because we're stuck in these time-loops of self-manipulation, but it all seems coherent. It all seems to 'fall in place', but that is where the deception lies -- in the coherence of abuse.

I know that in Christianity, I may have felt this resistance, but my starting point was for me to find the way, the truth, and the life. And I created this resistance out of polarity -- existing within an image of righteousness. thus, I connected finding the way, the truth, and the life with righteousness and believed that I was becoming 'stuck up' within being this righteous person. But the question is, why did I even connect righteousness to finding the way, the truth, and the life? It was because I didn't want to give up on my ego. I saw me as the 'ego' as 'freedom'. Anything else would be limiting if it's not of an ego perspective. Thus, all 'good' things that exists in the world and reality was 'beyond' ego, thus -- limiting and full of shit because the world is not a 'good' world. Thus, I believed that everyone that is 'good' was short-changing themselves. And I didn't want to short-change myself within becoming this 'holy' man. I was scared to become the person that I thought I would become if I realized who I was within Christianity. Of course now I may not agree with everything within Christianity, but I knew there were some points in me that I was 'challenging' myself as the mind. Christianity really doesn't exist. No religion really exists. It's really all of self 'here' in this world and reality that self has accepted and allowed self to be and become as an integrity of relationship patterns, and my relationship pattern was simply similar to many others' relationship patterns that came together in meetings called churches that 'worshiped' and unseen entity that we agreed to be called God.

If I was to channel some of the things that I done within Christianity -- to what is 'best for all' it would be that same person seeking the way the truth and the life -- but realizing that the way, the truth, and the life is in-fact everything that is 'here' in this world and reality. Everything is 'here', but some of us have yet to see. Thus, what I was resisting was simply 'me'. That person that wanted to stand for self-change. I resisted because I embraced me as the 'ego' man that I believed was 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me based on the form of me as a 'black' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than' based on my form as a 'black' man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'intelligence' to the word 'form'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'morality' with the form of me as a black man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I was 'white' I would not have to 'experience' everything that exists within/as me that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, and beliefs and 'personality'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self-responsibility in correcting myself in every moment, but instead, desire to be 'white' to create the 'illusion' that I don't have to experience the points in me because I am now in a 'different' form.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse form by judging form, and within that judgment, create relationships of different 'experiences' as 'beliefs' that I created about that form, and thus 'experience' myself in different ways according to the form that I am presented with instead of directing myself in this world and reality through stopping all personality-points within me that I have projected onto/as form -- in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'righteousness' to the form of a black man based on the memories of me as the 'relationships' that I formed socially with black men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself in disgust that I projected onto form, shape, color, etc. rather than realizing that I am actually disgusted with/as the 'experiences' that I separated myself from, and thus see my own experiences as 'less-than', and experiences that I haven't 'experienced' yet (or other people's experiences) as 'more-than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and limit myself within/as 'experience' based on the coherence of how I formed/created myself to exist as -- in the midst of everything that I see, touch, taste, smell, and hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a female means that I am 'free' because of me having another form, and to believe that a particular specific 'form' has its own set of experiences instead of realizing that I am responsible for all experiences that are here -- no matter which form it is, because all relationships with forms are simply projections of me not taking responsibility to stop the relationship projections of ego.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility in my own experiences, and to believe that if I had another form that those experiences that I feel would 'magically' go away and that I would be 'okay' instead of taking self-responsibility in stopping all 'experiences' as 'ego' through eliminating all trust as relationships with my experiences, and thus, move myself to trust myself as 'breath' here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the polarity as 'righteousness' and 'rebellion'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect righteousness to enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that morality/righteousness cannot exist in a world where morality has been aligned to inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within rebelling against an 'experience' that is not real in order to 'become' another set of 'experiences' where I believe that I can exist within/as 'freedom' instead of realizing that this 'freedom' is simply another 'experience' superimposed on other 'experiences' that appear to be 'different' from my initial experiences within/as me that I have an aversion for. Thus in this, I manipulate myself into an illusion of 'freedom' as a foundation of self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the polarity of 'control' and 'freedom', thus, have an aversion to participate in process of stopping my mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, because of the 'feeling' of being controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my feelings to make decisions for me as I abdicate self-trust in place of that which is the foundation of abuse within/as this world -- created within the 'engine' of 'feelings' and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to exist within the dimension of feelings and emotions because of the 'good' that I can 'experience' from them -- as I have to place myself in a 'less-than' position in order for me to adhere to it, and thus, become it in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the way, the truth, and the life -- and to believe that I can find the way, the truth, and the life "out there" somewhere instead of taking self-responsibility to establish me as the way, the truth, and the life of/as me in/as equality (within establishing a 'doingness' that is 'best for all' man).

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for the past as me within/as resisting "the way, the truth, and the life" as what is best for all within this world and reality, and thus to cycle through it within time within/as Desteni within my process of stopping my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for another entity to take responsibility of correcting/convicting me -- instead of correcting/convicting myself in every moment, thus, to allow the abuse within the world to flourish through the excuse of time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop all relationship patterns of 'holiness' and 'rebellion', and thus create thoughts, feelings, and emotions which equal to 'experiences' of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within 'energy' as the mind within thoughts, feelings, and emotions (such as DESIRE) -- and thus accept energy as relationships through EXISTENCE wherein I allow all beings in existence to abuse each other through relationships as energy, and allow ALL SYSTEMS to exist within/as the foundation of the mind wherein abuse becomes something that justified through our existence.