Stepping Out of Your Programming SF

Here in this blog, I am contining with the blog where I talked about my resistance to self-forgiveness, and how this 'resistance' is created within me because of self-forgiveness being something that does not 'fit in' with my 'natural programming' that I created and developed throughout my life since childhood. My 'natural programming' would be, for example, my 'personality', my 'behavior', the way that I react to myself, the environment, and others, and the way that I interact with myself, the environment, and others. It is the entire 'me' that I became used to since childhood. So this would be what I mean by my 'natural programming'. I only learned about self-forgiveness in my adulthood life, and so what happened was that because I only learned about self-forgiveness in my adulthood life, I connected it to memories and experiences that have already been a part of me for a while (and even since childhood), and so I resisted self-forgiveness because I resisted the memories that I connected it to.

In the previous blog, I stated that I connected self-forgiveness to prayer because of the similarities of self-forgiveness and prayer that I created in my mind. And those similarities again would, for example, be how I 'feel' as though I need to change my behavior, my expression of the words that I speak, and my conduct to something or someone that I believe is 'separate' from me when I speak self-forgiveness. This is essentially due to the similar experiences and feelings that emerge within myself when I used to pray to a being that I believed to be 'greater' than me (which would be 'God' in my case) because since self-forgiveness was something 'new' to me, I connected it to something else that was already a part of me in my life for quite a while (which is prayer). And those connections that I took from my experience of prayer to give 'definition' to self-forgiveness would be, for instance, the experiences, and the 'reactions' that I had in the past when I prayed, the change in mannerism and conduct when I pray, the change in my expression of words, and that experience of something or someone being 'greater' than me that will 'cleanse' me. So you see that what I am actually doing here is using memories of the past to 'relate' to something that is current or 'new' that hasn't been a part of me for a long time. So it is, in-fact, me aligning myself to how I programmed myself through memories (such as prayer), to be able to relate to something that is not already part of my current 'programming' or 'nature'.

So here in this blog, I will start the self-forgiveness process which is basically me speaking words, and within those words, what I am actually doing is creating 'blueprints' of 'new information' that I can live by and use as references of self-change which is a process that entails where I essentially move myself out of my programming (not forgetting or deleting who I have become, but simply stepping out of my programming) to be able to expand myself and my awareness of 'who I am' in relation to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself place myself inferior to something or someone in my mind through prayer or self-forgiveness when I speak words instead of realizing that when I place myself inferior to something or someone in my mind, and speak the words that I direct myself to speak when I pray or speak self-forgiveness, that it is not words that I am directing in all self-honesty, but words that are being directed from a starting-point of diminishment that I believe I am directing and expressing in all self-honesty because of the 'intent' that I put into the words.

And so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I speak words from a starting-point of inferiority, my words that I speak, regardless of how 'authoritative' or 'directive' it sounds, and regardless of how much 'intention' I put into it, will contribute to me diminishing myself even more to the very thing that I praying about or speaking self-forgiveness about.

I commit myself to release the idea that something or someone else is watching me or judging my self-forgiveness or my prayer instead of realizing that that very 'thing' that is watching me is my own doubt that I have programmed into myself, but separated myself from (that doubt) by anthropomorphizing it (characterizing it and giving it 'human' qualities and reactions) into something or someone that I perceive is 'larger' than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the way that I structure my communication and behavior to be more aligned to how I believe something or someone will be 'most pleased' with how I present myself instead of realizing that this 'change' in the way that I communicate or behave is based on an 'idea' that is created from a memory or an experience in my past which I give 'life' to again through my participation in it, and reaction to it.

I commit myself to, if I am praying or speaking self-forgiveness, or simply communicating with myself, and have an 'experience' to where I perceive that someone or someone is 'watching' me or 'judging' me (when no one is actually there), I stop and breathe. I realize that this is me creating an 'idea' in that moment, and giving 'life' to that idea to the point that the 'idea' is directing me instead of me directing myself.

I commit myself to direct myself by dropping all ideas, and being present in the moment by bringing my awareness from ideas, reactions, feelings, etc. in my mind to the present and interacting with the present / interacting with what is 'here' in front of me, and assess what comes into my mind to be able to better understand why these things are emerging within myself to be able to and as a way of expanding my own awareness of myself.

I will continue in the next blog with more self-forgivenesses and commitments....